All 'Team Trotter' and 'Jeddy' associated writings are purely for the amusement and benefit of Ongar rugby club members.
Team Trotter rides again
Team Trotter rides again
‘Official’ match report Saturday 19thJanuary
Ongar v Westcliff
The snow fell from the sky like dandruff falls onto Dave Lewis’ shoulders after he shakes his head.
Love Lane had been transformed into a winter wonderland full of beautiful snow drifts and Jeddy running naked. Although no one could actually see Jeddy running in the snow, only when opened his mouth could a faint pink patch been seen darting around.
One lone dog walker keeled over with shock as his trotter came bobbling along past him. It even raised its little Japs eye and winked at him.
Therefore because of this deluge no match today.
Westcliff could stay by the sea and clean out their gills for another day.
With no match today this report will catch up on what our players did instead, all seen through the eyes of Aaron Hardy.
This story starts early Saturday morning……………
Once upon a time in Aaron Hardy’s house
Aaron rolled over in his cot, open his eyes and let them adjust to the light. Hiss hand moved to his teddy bear ‘Mohammed’ and he pulled him up to his face and started to nuzzle.
He looked over to his wall where the pictures of Ghandi, Martin Luther King and Cilla Black hung pride of place in guilt frames.
Aaron is the only man who is so racist that he makes Nick Griffin look like a cuddly uncle. He is the love child of Oswald Mosley and Jim Davidson, but he didn’t know that.
There was a knock on the door and in walked Michael Blake in his stripy pinney with nothing else on underneath. ‘Breakfast is ready’ he squealed and then disappeared back into the larder where after closing the door the sound of several locks turning could be heard. ‘That’s him gone for the day’Aaron thought to himself.
Aaron slipped out of his cot and put on his favourite fluffy pink slippers. These were a present from his ex-girlfriend Jo Browning who dumped him for being the most useless peace of floppy offal in the bedroom. Aaron was terrible in the sack and needed sexual therapy from the Willingale sex clinic to cure his awful ways. He though doggy style was when you put a poodle under the covers and let it lick your balls and he thought the missionary position was where he went off to Africa to preach the words of Jesus in Congo-Brazzaville.
Aaron walked to the window and drew back the curtains. Outside in the snow was little Carl Regelous gaily throwing snowballs at Sam Minns who was getting quite annoyed that his tweed was getting wet. Sam harrumphed and snorted at Carl to stop. Carl was taking no notice and chucked another one which missed Sam and hit Ralton Fenner in the face. Ralton angrily started to shout at Carl but no one could understand a word he was saying.
Aaron went down to the kitchen where from inside the larder he could hear noises that resembled a medieval banquet, in fact is was Michael Blake just eating yogurt off his tits.
Breakfast was a solitary kipper on a plate with a bite mark in it. Aaron looked forlornly at the kipper and it reminded him of his sex life, cold, dead and smelly.
What do I do today though Aaron to himself? Aaron was lost without rugby, he had no friends to go and play with as he had scared them all off while trying to eat rhubarb from Nick Cronjaeger’s bum while Peanut had a citrus induced fit. Everyone at the club had thought that was a little too far and had shunned him. All expect Jason Field who then got inside Peanut and wore him like a glove.
I wonder what Jason is doing Though Aaron. So Aaron picked up his phone and dialled him.
‘What do you want you offal munching homo’ was Jason’s greeting message.
‘I am lonely’ said Aaron to that Jason slammed the phone down.
Aaron slumped at the kitchen table and started to cry.
Then there was a knock at the door.
Aaron opened the door and a smile immediately swept across his face. Because standing there with trotter in hand was Jeddy Jeddy Bang Bang; or to give him his full name Jeddy Jeddy Jeddy Jeddy Jeddy Wallop Marmaduke touch snail Bang Bang.
Jeddy jumped straight into Aaron’s arms and gave him such a manly cuddle that Aaron felt a stirring in his limp noodle.
‘You must come with me Aaron, Barnet is in trouble’, said Jeddy. With that Aaron threw on his mauve dressing gown and raced out of the house leaving the eating noises of Michael Blake in the distance.
‘What has happened to Barnet’ implored Aaron. Jeddy then told Aaron an absolutely unbelievable story about how Barnet had accidently got his meat hammer cock stuck in the channel tunnel and he was in danger of having a French freight train enter his Jap’s eye.
‘If that happens the world will end’ said Jeddy.
‘My God’ gasped Aaron,’ I know just the man to save us’.
Jedy and Aaron ran to the nearest telephone box and dialled the secret number of their saviour.
A faint whirring occurred and then the phone started to ring.
A gruff voice answered bluntly and demanded what they had woken him for.
‘Dave we need your help’ Jeddy gasped.
‘Is that you my sweet Trotter’ Dave said.
‘Yes my love’ Jeddy retorted.
‘I am on my way, Totter team assemble’ shouted Dave Lewis.
With that the phone line went dead.
Jeddy and Aaron stood hand in hand in the phone box. Aaron in his pink slippers and mauve dressing gown and Jeddy stark bollock naked apart from a French foreign legion kepi on his head.
Then they heard it! In the distance the rumble and screech of a super crack team being assembled and clad in lycra.
A noise of a car approached, the engine roaring and ploughing snow away from the road as it raced up to the phone box where they stood.
A large black car appeared with tinted windows and big ‘Team Trotter’ painted on the side.
The car skidded to a halt dramatically sending an old lady flying into a nearby snow drift. She complained about her hip but no one cared; because out of the car dressed in nothing but helmet and robes and dripping in olive oil was Dave Lewis. The best King Leonidas impersonator this side of Basildon.
‘Oh Dave you are here’ cooed Jeddy.
‘Not just me my child, I have assembled the best team known to man’, bellowed Dave.
With that some very dramatic music started to play from Dave’s utility belt and he started to introduce his team who all emerged from the car.
First out of the car was a man wearing a suit made of straw and he had udders coming from his stomach and obviously no penis. He also stunk because he had never showered. ‘This is Willingale hero man’ said Dave. He can talk to the animals.
The next person to step out of the car was dressed head to toe in leather bondage attire. He had a whip in one hand and a butt plug in the other. He was greased up with Vaseline and had a ball gag in his mouth. ‘This is gimp man, otherwise known as Tom Bristow’ Shouted Dave.
He then lowered his voice and whispered, ‘Just keep him away from fat women’.
Then out of the car came a giant bubble with Dave Blake inside. ‘This is the baby maker, uber fertile Dave’. ‘Don’t touch him otherwise he will make you pregnant, I have had six kids already while trying to get him into that protective bubble’, said Dave.
Lastly this is animal from the muppet’s and Mad Matt came hurtling at them in chains. ‘Down boy’ said Dave as he pulled his chains that restrained him.
Matt calmed down and then started to eat some sugar lumps out of Dave’s hand.
‘This is my team my loves’, shouted Dave.
‘I do however have some more heroes I can call upon if needed’.
Jeddy enquired who these heroes were and Dave told him.
‘Well there is Saville man, otherwise known as Neil Springate, but he is on a 4 hour call out. Tweed man otherwise known as Sminns and lastly Spanish man but he hates you Aaron for unfulfilling his sister so he is unavailable unless you are killed in action’ blurted Dave.
The team was assembled, they stood in their resplendent uniforms in the sun, the snow started to melt and a plan was hatch.
‘I think I know who is behind this heinous crime’ said Jeddy.
‘Ooooh who?’ asked Dave Lewis.
‘This looks like the dastardly work of Hobbit man and his evil side kick ticklish Alan, those bastards are always up to no good’.
‘This is true’ said Dave Blake whose voice was muffled inside his bubble. ‘Last year they kidnapped Mark Jones and made him sing for them in a ditch’.
Onwards cried Jeddy and with that Dave Lewis turned on his utility belt music player and then ran off into the distance to rescue Barnet to the sounds of Bonnie Tyler.
What will happen to our intrepid adventurers?
Will Jeddy be eaten by sharks?
Will Aaron stop crying and learn how to use his penis?
Or will Barnet’s chopper be ravaged by a French train and Hobbit man and Ticklish Alan become the new rulers of the world?
Or will the world as we know it end with one giant Barnet penis explosion?
Tune in next time for episode 2………………………………………
The air was rank and water dripped from the ceiling echoing down the long passageways.
The faint whirring of machinery could be heard in the distance.
Footsteps started from far away and slowly grew louder as they approached. Every now and then the footsteps would splash through a puddle.
These feet belonged to Ticklish Alan, confidante and muse of Hobbit man, the most evil man in history.
Ticklish Alan walked down the corridor in the semi darkness; his eyes glinted in the candle light.
In his hands he carried a vial of precious serum, a serum that had been developed over time and at incredible expense.
This top secret serum had the potential to change the world.
Ticklish Alan approached a large metal door covered in rivets. He knocked once and a spy hole opened and two blood shot eyes stared down at him. Then the spy hole slammed shut and the door slowly creaked open.
Behind this door was an immense chamber that must have been a 300 meters long. One side was stacked with machinery and large glass jars. Large enough to house a man.
The other side of the chamber had the biggest collection of red wines known to man.
At the far end of the chamber was a small wooden door marked‘The room of unspeakable evil’. This is where Hobbit man could be found.
The minion who owned the blood shot eyes stepped away from the door to let Ticklish Alan enter. ‘Morning master Alan’ slurred the minion who had one leg longer than the other and arms the size of spoons.
‘Go away and put the kettle on Jack Smith’ squeaked Alan.
With that Jack the minion hobbled off muttering about how he wasn’t treated like this at Brentwood.
Ticklish Alan clutching the vial walked down the chamber towards the door of the room of unspeakable evil.
He reached the door and knocked loudly. Nothing happened.
He knocked again, this time a fast burst of loud knocks. Still nothing and no reply.
‘Where is he?’ wondered Ticklish Alan.
Just as Ticklish Alan was about to knock again minion Jack came hobbling over with minion number two dribbling on the floor as they came.
‘Master Hobbit man is up the mountain oh Ticklish one’ grunted minion number two.
‘How long will he be Picket Minion?’ asked Ticklish Alan.
‘Not long ticklish one, he enters now’. Gurgled Picket minion.
With that a loud hailer sounded and a red light flashed, the ceiling of the chamber started to retract revealing blue sky and a bright sun. Then Ticklish Alan saw him.
At first he was just a spec but soon he grew bigger and bigger and the noise intensified as Hobbit man arrived on his jet pack.
‘Morning Ticklish Alan, how do you find the new evil lair?’Shouted Hobbit man over the sound of the jet pack.
Hobbit man descended at quite a pace cut the engine and landed safely. ‘Take this off me minions’ cried Hobbit man. The minions fumbled at the jet pack straps before hauling it away muttering something about being paid to play rugby.
‘How did you find this new evil nerve centre oh master?’enquired Ticklish Alan.
‘Ha ha easy Ticklish one; I got it off right move’.
‘I see you have the vial; is this the finalised product, the cure to all our problems and the creator of life’? Said Hobbit man.
‘I bloody hope so sir. I spent long enough milking him to get it’ said Ticklish Alan.
Hobbit man held the vial of green liquid in his hands, he held it up to the light and it glinted. A wide smile broke across his face, finally he could create what he had been trying to for years, finally he could rule the world and finally no one could stop him.
He started to laugh, a maniacal deranged laugh that echoed around the chamber which was descending back into darkness as the roof closed. The laugh echoed around Ticklish Alan’s head and he began to giggle and join in.
The Trotter team
Dave Lewis ran along puffing his chest out. Behind him rolled Dave Blake in his anti-impregnating ball, Jeddy naked as a baby still in a French Kepi with Aaron Hardy close behind him. Aaron’s slippers were not the best for running and he kept stopping. Every time he did Dave would shout at him to man the fuck up.
Winningale hero man was shedding straw as he ran and Tom Bristow the gimp man followed up the rear.
Sadly they had lost Mad Matt en route. He was fine for the first mile but as soon as he saw a dog he lost it. He barked and growled and started to hump gimp man’s leg. Therefore Dave Lewis had to take him to the vets to be spayed. They would be collecting him tomorrow evening if they managed to save the world that is.
‘Dave how far away is it’ gasped Jeddy as his trotter jiggled as he ran.
‘Not long my sweet, Hobbit man’s new evil palace is over that hill and past costcutters’.
They continued to run and Aaron glanced at his watch. It seemed like a long time ago they had left his house with Michael Blake having a food orgasm in the larder, he hoped they would be able to save Barnet.
Onwards they ran until the came to a large hill. ‘Wait here I will use my new Spartan eyeglasses to check for bandits’ said Dave.
As he got out his new Spartan eyeglasses Dave Blake rolled down the hill screaming.
He picked up speed and soon was tumbling down the hill out of control inside his protective ball. He screamed and screamed and soon vanished into the distance.
‘Don’t worry my pretties, we will catch him up. Oh and there is the lair of hobbit man over there’ said Dave.
‘How can you tell that is it’ enquired Aaron.
‘Because there is a massive sign saying Hobbit man’s evil tours this way you fool’ grunted Dave.
With that they set off again to catch up Dave Blake who had rolled right through a school playground.
We must follow his tracks Aaron told everyone.
But they had a problem. Jeddy had his trotter out and to go near that school would mean he was in breach of his trotter near kids harassment order.
‘Jeddy don’t you have any clothes at all’ enquired gimp man as he caressed his chode.
‘I have a pair of leopard skin pants but he can only have them for ten minutes and as soon as we pass the school I want them back’ Said Dave.
With that Jeddy slipped them on and gave a provocative jiggle. Aaron felt his limp noodle stir once again.
They ran past the school and soon were on the driveway up to the secret lair.
Jeddy handed over the pants and Dave gave them a quick sniff when no one was looking.
Then they made their way up the path, trotter swaying in the wind.
Meanwhile in the channel tunnel.
‘Help help help’ cried Barnet. He lay tied to the rail tracks with his penis shackled and pointing in the direction of the tunnel. His japes eye was forced open with wooden pallets and some old scaffold poles.
‘Help help help me please’ he cried.
He tried to work out how he was in this situation, how did he get here and who had done this to him.
This morning had been like any morning. He woke up early before the sun rose and drove his van to a deserted layby. He opened the back doors and pulled the bodies of last night’s victims out and drove home for tea and breakfast cake.
He arrived home and as he was boiling the kettle it all went black. He awoke 3 hours later tied to the rail tracks with no one else to be seen.
His head swam with fanciful ideas and people who could have done this to him. He had made many enemies in his role as rugby club captain.
His role was basically only second in rank to the Prime Minister and many people were jealous. Was this a plot to take over Ongar rugby club?
He squirmed under his bindings but the knots were too tight.
He was stuck fast and scared.
‘Help me prawn he said to his tattoo’ But there was no reply, even his talking tattoo had deserted him.
Back in the evil lair.
‘Ticklish Alan the time has come to see if the serum works, the time has come to rule the world’ boomed Hobbit man.
For many years Hobbit man had been trying to build his own clone army. He needed an army to take power and rule the world and Ongar rugby club. He had got rid of the captain and his end was approaching fast. All he needed now was an army to quell the uprising once Barnet had met his maker.
This morning Hobbit man had jet packed over to Barnet’s house. He waited in the bushes until Barnet left to dispose of his latest victim’s Daphne and Roger.
While Barnet was away he scaled a wall and went down Barnet’s chimney and there he lay in wait for him to return.
When Barnet came back Hobbit man pounced and used Barnet’s own stash of chloroform to render him unconscious.
He tied and gagged him and transported him to the channel tunnel where Ticklish Alan did the dirty work with Barnet’s penis.
Hobbit man knew that the only way to kill a Barn child was by train up the Japs eye. This had happened once before back in 1786.
So with Barnet out of the way Hobbit man’s plans of world domination were in place.
Now to create the clone army.
He had tried to create many clones armies but all had failed.Each one was just not powerful enough and withered and died. Therefore he needed a new serum, one so high in cholesterol that it would not wither and die. One so fatty that if needed it could survive on its fat reserves for months.
Therefore while Michael Blake lay in a food induced coma back in the larder Ticklish Alan had slowly milked him for his elixir of life.
He combined the elixir of Blake with a packet of ready salted crisps, a tear of a goat and two pubes from a tramp and the serum was ready.
Hobbit man started to flick switches on a large control panel and the chamber lit up. All the large glass cylinders started to light up and spin; these were the incubations pods for the Michael Blake army.
Hobbit man pulled a lever and the pods filled with liquid, a clear birthing liquid. He flicked a switch and the lights dimmed.
‘Now for the serum Ticklish Alan’ boomed Hobbit man.
Ticklish Alan passed him the glass container and Hobbit man slowly inserted it into the console.
‘All I have to do is flick this switch and my army will be created, nothing can stop me now’ roared Hobbit man as Ticklish Alan giggled with delight at the wondrous work of his master.
Hobbit man reached for the switch, finger out stretched. He was just about to flick the switch when there was a knock at the front door.
‘Who could that be’ though Hobbit man.
‘Get that Ticklish Alan’ boomed Hobbit man ‘I have master work to do here’.
Ticklish Alan ran off to the door as Hobbit man lent forward towards the switch.
Just then there was a loud bang and a cry of ‘Spongar’!
What on Earth could be happening?
Tune in next time for episode number 3
‘Spongar!’ cried Dave Lewis as the front door to the secret lair blew off its hinges.
Shards of wood flew into the air and peppered the two minions who started to cry and suck their thumbs. ‘Run’ they both cried and disappeared out of the door in the direction of Brentwood.
Ticklish Alan was blown off his feet and flew several yards into the air. He landed heavily and whacked his head on one of Hobbit man’s ornamental metal panda sculptures.
He was out cold on the floor and out of the game.
The door landed with a clatter and the dust settled.
Standing in the doorway was Dave Lewis spear pointing and his helmet at a jaunty angle. Behind him Aaron Hardy peered over his shoulder dressing gown fluttering in the breeze.
‘We must stop Hobbit man’, cried Jeddy his trotter slightly charred from the blast.
Hobbit man heard the blast and the cry of ‘Spongar’. He immediately smashed the glass over an enormous red button which said ‘Smash in case of emergencies’. Today was certainly an emergency so he hovered over the button and started to giggle.
‘No one can stop me, not now, not ever’, he cried.
Hobbit man had one last trick up his sleeve. He knew his secret lair was under attack and his final defence mechanism would be released to defend him.
Just as he was about to press the button a high pitch yokel voice could be heard.
‘Is he dead’ whispered Willingale hero man.
‘No my love, he is just unconscious, but we better strip him put a cucumber up his arse and hand cuff him to that post over there just in case’, said Dave.
With that Jeddy pulled a pair of handcuffs out of his marsupial pouch and handcuffed the unconscious Ticklish Alan to a pole while Willingale hero man firmly inserted a cucumber up his anus.
Hobbit man hesitated before pushing the big red button. His fingers lingered over the top of it as a thousand thoughts about world domination raced through his mind.
His eyes narrowed and an evil grin swept across his face, he bared his teeth in an animalistic fashion and slammed his hand down on the button.
He then ran back over to the main console and picked up the vial of serum. He held it up to the light and the Blake milk shone in the gloom. He slowly inserted it in the console until it clicked into place.
All he needed to do now was flick a switch and his Blake army would live.
He keyed in the secret reference number into the machine, did a facial recognition and then licked his lips.
All was ready for the greatest moment in genetic science the world had ever seen.
He casually flicked the switch and the lights flickered, the air filled with static as the giant glass jars started to bubble. Inside the liquid was becoming optimum Blake temperature.
The serum slowly decanted into the console and when every last drop had entered the guts of the machine the liquid in the jars started to turn an inky blood red.
Slowly inside the jars little men started to appear. They were unmistakably little Michael Blakes as they all had rather large boobs and a lovely sweep haircut.
‘They live, they live, they live, I am a father; welcome to the world my clone army’, screamed Hobbit man.
Outside Hobbit man’s science lab Dave Lewis was busy shoulder barging the door to try and get in to face his old adversary. He rammed and rammed and rammed he door.
But it was no use it was solid oak and would not budge.
Just then they heard a noise.
A guttural grunting in the darkness.
‘Bristow are you wanking again’ enquired Jeddy.
‘That noise is not me, I have already shot my load over a picture of Susan Boyle today’ retorted Bristow.
The group all stopped and looked at each other.
There was someone else in the room.
‘Aaaaaaarrrrrgggggh’ boomed a voice and suddenly Dave Lewis was swiped by a giant Chinese hand which sent him flying.
Whack! Bristow fell to his knees as he was smashed by a giant downward punch.
Jeddy was sent into a cabinet containing Faberge eggs and Aaron was kicked so hard in the balls that he rather liked it.
Willingale man was suplexed and left for dead as he lay winded on the floor.
Dave Lewis clambered to his feet and picked up his spear. He thought to himself who could this beast be which so much power and strength.
He flicked the light switch on and all was revealed.
Ralton Fenner had been genetically modified by Hobbit man in his science lab and was brainwashed as a security guard. Hobbit man had released him to vent his fury on the Trotter team.
Ralton windmilled at Dave Lewis who chucked his spear as hard as he could at Ralton’s head. The spear shot through the air like milk from Simon Franklin’s udders and clattered off Ralton’s head without leaving a mark.
Dave knew he was in for a fight. He lunged at Ralton grappling with him and raining down blows. There was only one way to win this fight and that would be the greased up wrestling way.
Dave quickly got a bottle of extra virgin olive oil out of Jeddy’s marsupial pouch and oozed it all over his body. Ralton lunged at Dave but he simply slipped out of his arms.
‘Fly you fools, fly’, shouted Dave to the others who had just managed to get back to their feet.
They ran off into the dark leaving Dave wrestling man on man with the giant Ralton.
They ran into the dark past the door where Dave had tried to knock down and along a gloomy corridor.
Aaron started to cry, ‘who will lead us now’, he blurted between tears that streamed down his face.
There was of course only one man for this role.
Cometh the hour cometh the man.
It was Trotter Time.
Jeddy reached down into his marsupial pouch and pulled out a little bag which was labelled ‘Just in case’.
He unzipped the bag and pulled out a gold glistening all in one lycra suit with a golden cape. On the front was a giant embroided letter T for trotter in black and he also had a little zorro style black mask.
He suddenly started to spin on the spot until he looked like a Tasmanian devil having an orgasm. Dust filled the air and he started to hum.
The dust settled and Jeddy stood looking resplendent in his new lycra costume.
Trotter man was born.
‘Follow me to victory’ boomed Jeddy in a new manly voice.
They all followed Jeddy down the corridor and suddenly came across a back entrance.
‘Oooh I love a back door’ said Bristow.
‘Quiet Gimp man, this is no time for sexual innuendo’ boomed Jeddy.
His macho hand grasped the door and slowly opened it.
What he saw would scar him for life.
On the other side of the door were thousands of Michael Blakes all staring wild eyed and clutching cream bums in their hands.
Hobbit man sat on a giant throne being carried like a sedan chair by four Michael Blake clones.
‘Kill them’ boomed Hobbit man.
Jeddy and the gang back tracked, they ran for their lives. They had never seen such a sight. A thousand Michael Blakes were matching at them. All giggling and rubbing their bellies.
Some of the Blakes started to wobble faster and faster and were closing down on them.
‘Dave will know what to do’ shouted Jeddy as they ran back to where Dave was still fighting the giant genetically modified Ralton.
Dave was exhausted; his body was battered and bleeding. His arms felt heavy and his vision was starting to blur from all the head shots that Ralton had bombarded on him.
Dave sung a punch and Ralton grabbed his hand. He grinned down on Dave and said ‘Yoooo can a bea me Meester Dayviid’, in a Chinese accent.
Dave fell to his knees as Ralton started to crush his hand. He cried with pain.
‘Must not let my beautiful children of trotter fame down’,he thought to himself.
Jeddy and the gang rounded the corner. Wilingale hero man was firing milk from his udders at the advancing Michael Blakes. Every milk shot was futile however as the Blakes simply lapped up the delicious milk.
Aaron started to cry again and fell into the foetal position rocking backwards and forwards.
Jeddy glanced at Dave, he was almost finished. Jeddy could see the defeat in Dave’s eyes as his hand was slowly crushed.
Dave’s free hand beat on Raltons feet in a last ditch attempt to free himself. Ralton just smiled at this.
Dave knew this was it, he was prepared for death, a true Spartan death. He closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable.
He was just lapsing into unconsciousness when a tremendous smash occurred.
Ralton went flying through he air as a giant ball took him out.
Inside that ball was Dave Blake. Dave had picked up so much momentum that he sent the giant Ralton into a wall.
Ralton got up and lunged at the ball. He started to shake it violently sending Dave inside spiralling out of control.
Then Ralton made a grave error. He ripped the ball apart and grabbed Dave Blake. His arms in one hand and legs in the other. Ralton held him up in the air and began to stretch Dave; he was going to snap him into.
Just as Ralton started to correct Dave’s spinal posture he grunted and moaned. He dropped Dave and rolled in agony on the floor.
‘You should never touch someone as fertile as me’ boasted Dave.
Ralton looked up he knew what was next.
Suddenly out of his arse came hundreds of Chinese children. Ralton screamed and writhed around in agony as he gave birth from every orifice.
‘This could take some time, the bigger they are the more offspring they give birth to’ said Dave.
The genetically modified Ralton was out of the game.
They formed a human shield around the unconscious Dave Lewis and all turned as one to face the oncoming Blake army.
This battle was going to be epic!
Coming soon to a multiples near you Episode 4…………………..
Dave Lewis lay unconscious, his body was a wreck. He had defended his team valiantly but had paid the price.
The Michael Blake clone army were advancing on Team trotter, Aaron Hardy was still blubbing and the giant Ralton had now given birth to 346 Chinese midgets.
Jeddy took the initiative, he shouted for Willingale hero man to blow his sacred horn of destiny.
Willingale hero man rustled in his straw suit and pulled out a large bullock horn hollowed out to form a musical instrument.
‘My village elders gave me this horn to blow if I ever was in trouble; this will be the first time I have blown it’ he said.
Willingale hero man blew hard into the horn and a long low pitch note boomed out and reverberated around them.
‘What now’, cried Aaron.
‘I don’t know I have never blown it before’ said Willingale hero man.
The Michael Blake army slowly came closer and closer. Team trotter all backed up to the wall.
‘We need to get out of here’, screamed Bristow.
The Michael Blake army were now cutting them off from the door, there looked like no means of escape.
‘We have failed, the Michael Blake army will destroy us, and they will eat us whole with marmalade and peppercorn sauce. To top that off Barnet will lose his chopper and the world as we know it will end’, blubbed Aaron. His tears streaming off his face and making his pink fluffy slippers soggy.
Jeddy wanted to be a leader, he wanted to fight, but he was scared. He put on a brave face and decided there was only one thing for it.
He started to cry!
Suddenly the wall shattered into pieces and light from the world outside beamed in. A lorry had smashed its way into the secret lair.
‘Where the Penny Blake did that come from’ spluttered Jeddy.
‘Behold the knowledge wagon’ shouted Willingale hero man.
When Willingale hero man had blown his horn of destiny the noise alerted his villagers far far away.
They were minding their own business toiling in the fields and sexually abusing the animals when they heard the sound.
The village elders suddenly looked to the hills and knew that Simon Franklin, otherwise known as Willngale hero man was in trouble.
‘Get the knowledge wagon out of the barn’ shouted the chief elder.
They ran to the barn after delicately removing their genitals from the farm yard animals.
Soon the knowledge wagon was ready to roll.
In other parts of the world a knowledge wagon is known as a mobile library, but in Willingale it was their entire universe. It contained the book of life, otherwise known as Asterix and Obelix and also their sex education manual; top hits of the seventies with Jimmy Saville.
The villagers however cannot leave Willingale, only one villager at a time may venture into the outside world. If more than one leaves their crops will fail and the woods will reclaim the village hall.
As Willingale hero man was out of the village no one else could leave.
Luckily they knew just the man.
The day before the villagers had caught someone in one of their traps.
He was out for a walk in the field when he was suddenly set upon by pitch fork wielding villagers.
Sam Minns was escorted back to the village hall where they marvelled as his most excellent tweed array.
Because they were fascinated by this outsider they had kept him in a large cage so they could stare at him with their cocks, udders and 3 tits out.
Luckily Sam Minns was not from Willingale so could drive the knowledge wagon.
‘You must save our favourite son’, pleaded the chief elder.
Sam Minns accepted as he knew this was the only way he could escape the villagers clutches and a life of sex slavery.
Sminns gunned the knowledge wagons engine and sped into the distance.
The villager in distress arrow on the dash board told him which way to go. He drove as fast as he could as the large mountain where Hobbit man’s evil lair loomed into view.
The knowledge wagon had smashed its way in like Bristow smashed the Beast of Brentwood. Dryly, messily and disgustingly.
‘Get in chaps’, cried Sminns from behind the wheel.
Jeddy looked around even though the knowledge wagon had come to their rescue there were still several Michael Blake’s in front of them and escape.
‘There mine’, growled Dave Lewis.
Jeddy and Aaron spun round to see Dave Lewis standing up, chest out and fist clenched.
‘Go my loves, I will fight them off’, he cried.
With one giant leap Dave Lewis launched himself at the Michael Blakes, some fell like skittles, and others bounced back up like an inflating bouncy castle.
‘Run’, cried Aaron and the trotter team all crammed onto the knowledge wagon.
‘You are not getting on here if you are going to make us all pregnant’, Said Sminns to Dave Blake.
Jeddy quickly delved deep into his marsupial pouch and pulled out an emergency bubble. ‘Get in Dave’, be hollered.
Dave Blake quickly slipped into his protective bubble and rolled onto the bus.
Willingale hero man was already on board licking a copy of a 1987 edition of the radio times.
Gimp man lunged on dragging a still blubbering Aaron Hardy by the hand.
Jeddy turned and looked for Dave.
‘Come Dave, we can’t leave you’, he screamed.
Dave was lost in the melee of Blake flesh. Then his bearded face appeared under a giant moob.
‘Go without me my loves, I will see you in the next life’,Dave cried.
‘Why did you not make the clone Blakes pregnant’, shouted Sminns to Dave Blake.
‘No one can make Michael Blake pregnant, Lucie Vaz forbids him so he sold his womb on ebay’,replied Dave Blake.
Dave Lewis threw a giant punch into the gut of a clone Blake. The clone Blake shuddered and fell backwards but rolled straight back up and came at him with sticky bun gloopy fingers.
Dave knew there were too many of them, he knew this time it was curtains.
He looked over and saw the knowledge wagon reversing. Sminns spun the wagon round and slammed his foot on the accelerator.
He drove into the distance leaving Dave Lewis to a terrible fate.
‘We can’t leave him’, screamed Aaron.
Jeddy had a tear in his eye and Bristow looked sullen.
‘Sorry chaps, but we had to get out of their before one of those Blake clones got their sticky fingers on my dapper tweed’, said Sminns.
Aaron looked out of the back window as Dave Lewis grew smaller until he could be seen no more. Then he took Jeddy’s hand and looked at the floor in silence.
Aaron raised his head and turned to Jeddy; ‘You are our leader now, I will follow you to hell and back’, he said.
Jeddy knew this would be the making of him.
Could he still save Barnet even with a clone army of Michael Blakes on the lose?
Dave Lewis was spent, he fell to the ground, the Blakes surrounded him and went in for the kill.
Dave opened his eyes and he wanted to stare death in the face and laugh.
Just as he thought the killer blow was coming a voice boomed.
‘Stop, I want him alive’, boomed Hobbit man.
Hobbit man appeared aloft his giant throne sedan chair.
‘Release Ticklish Alan’, he shouted. The Blakes waddled over and ate the handcuffs to release him.
‘Ticklish Alan put this man in chains and a gold bikini, I want him as my slave’.
To be continued!
‘Dance my pretty, dance’, cried Ticklish Alan whose head was bandaged from the injuries sustained when the door was blown off.
Dave Lewis had a face like thunder, never before had he been so humiliated. His Spartan clothes had been torn off him and he was forced to wear a gold bikini. His wrists, ankles and neck were shackled and he felt incredibly exposed.
Hobbit man perched up on his sedan chair throne looking down on Dave Lewis.
Hobbit man seemed even more evil now and out of the gloom of his lair you could see his features.
His nose was pointed and underneath was a curling buccaneer moustache that jiggled when he spoke. He was missing one eyebrow from a small explosion caused when he tried to make his first clone army and his bare feet were large and hairy.
‘Show me your moves you mighty Spartan’, Hobbit man sneered at Dave Lewis.
Dave Lewis had nothing to lose; he was on his own and knew his friends were speeding away in the knowledge wagon.
With nothing to lose he began to dance. He started by tapping his foot and then dropping a shoulder in a suggestive manner. Before he knew it he was in full swing, he gyrated and grooved and swung his hips in all directions. He was having the time of his life. He whooped and woo’ d and started to clap his hands. Ticklish Alan was fascinated and joined in. They bum bumped and gyrated around each other. It was a truly magical sight.
Sam Minns gunned the engine and sped bumpily down the road.
‘We must get to Dover and see if we can save Barnet’, cried Aaron whose eyes were red raw from crying.
‘Even with the clone Blakes on the lose we can still save our capitano’, Said Dave Blake from inside his ball.
A plan was hatched. The Trotter team now led by the magnificently gold costumed Jeddy would travel o Dover and free Barnet and his giant man slong from the channel tunnel.
That way if Hobbit man did try a coup d’état with his forces of clones they could smuggle Barnet across the border and have a government in exile with Barnet sending propaganda leaflets over by plane drop telling his subjects that he was still alive.
If they failed and Barnet was killed by a cross channel train entering his Japs eye then Hobbit man would come to power unopposed and would leave Nick Clegg as his only challenger.
Sminns swung the knowledge wagon round a corner and then slammed on the brakes. Everyone inside fell forwards and hit the book stack containing the manuals on animal husbandry.
‘What now’, shouted Willingale hero man who was busy drinking from his own udders.
‘They have cut us off’, cried Sminns.
In front of them were thousands of clone Michael Blakes. They stood grinning hands reaching out dribbling on to their stomachs.
Over their heads creating a vast shadow was a large air ship.
This was however no ordinary air ship. It was a giant inflated Michael Blake clone.
Obviously Hobbit man had inserted a air pipe into the clone Blake’s bum and had blown him up to monumental proportions.
Underneath the giant Blake was an immense wicker basket with a door and a rope ladder descending down to the ground.
Thousands of Blake clones were descending down the ladder and filling the horizon.
There was nowhere to go, if they went back they would face the oncoming Blake army and if they drove forward it would be into certain death.
‘We are trapped’, cried Dave Blake.
There was nothing for it but to fight.
‘I don’t want any of those bastards touching my tweed ‘,shouted Sminns.
With that he pulled from his breast pocket a giant musket.
‘We fight or die, my friends’, shouted Sminns.
The noise was now tremendous. The oncoming Blake army from the airship started to advance. Each step sent a shock wave of reverberations and made the ground shudder.
‘Behind us look! We are surrounded’, shouted Gimp Bristow.
The trotter team spun round to see the Clone Blake army approaching over the hill. The advanced in a hug line and in the middle of them was Ticklish Alan carrying a giant spear.
There were Michael Blake archers to the rear and Michael Blake flag bearers, there were even a troop of Michael Blakes on trumpets and bugles.
‘Look over there a farm house on high ground’, shouted Sminns.
They jumped back into their seats and Sminns drove speedily up to the farm house and put the knowledge wagon in a barn.
They jumped out and closed the barn door.
‘Quoi we need to make a defensive line, use those thousands of conveniently placed cardboard boxes over there’, shouted Jeddy as his gold cape fluttered in the breeze.
They all shifted the boxes and were now surrounded by their own version of the Maginot line.
Aaron Hardy had run into the farm house, everything looked deserted and there was dust covering every surface. He saw a large metal cabinet marked ‘gun’s. He tried to wrench it open but it was padlocked shut.
‘Quick Simon shoot your man udders at the lock’, cried Jeddy taking charge most efficiently.
With that Simon the Willingale hero rolled on to his back and started to stroke his man udders with gusto. One udder erupted and shot a milky goo rocket like at the lock. The lock smashed into pieces and clattered to the ground.
Jeddy rushed up and opened the cupboard as he did so he smiled. Inside were enough guns and ammo to arm each member of team trotter.
He quickly dished out the antique muskets and the ammo.‘There is enough but not ample amounts, so make your shots count’, shouted Jeddy.
They all rushed outside in the nick of time as the Blake army had just reached the barricade of cardboard boxes.
‘Steady, steady, hold your fire’, shouted Jeddy.
The Clone Blakes started to eat their way through the boxes with ease. Everyone started to sweat, their fingers poised on the triggers.
‘Two lines’, shouted Jeddy and team trotter assembled in two rows one in front of the other, the front row kneeling the rear row standing.
‘Fire’, screamed Jeddy.
The front row fired and many Blakes fell to the ground.‘Second row, fire’, said Jeddy and more Blakes fell to the ground.
‘Independent fire at will’, screamed Jeddy and a volley of shots went off. Blakes fell to the ground and started to melt all around them.
But there were too many. They started to scale the boxes and break through.
‘There are too many chaps, fall back’, screamed Sminns.
The Blakes poured into the farmyard, every so often one would be dropped by a good shot from team trotter.
‘We are running out of ammo’, cried Aaron.
‘Dave can you make a gun pregnant and crate more guns and ammunition’, asked Jeddy.
‘I don’t know but I will try, hand me a rifle’, shouted Dave from inside his bubble.
Dave Blake opened a flap in his bubble and held out a finger, he caressed a rifle and it started to shake and rattle. Suddenly five fully loaded muskets popped out of the barrel.
‘Quick Dave start touching guns’, shouted Sminns.
With that Dave Blake caressed every gun in reach, more and more guns gave birth to more and more. There was now a large pile being created.
‘Fire’, screamed Jeddy who from somewhere had managed to get a sword. He lunged the sword into a gut of an advancing clone Blake, the clone Blake looked him in the eye. A little tear appeared and then he fell to the ground and melted.
Even with Dave Blake touching guns like chode Britsow touches fat girls, it just wasn’t enough.
The advancing clone army had destroyed the barricade and were now eating the farm house.
One of the Blakes suddenly grabbed Aaron by the tail of his dressing gown.
‘Help’, cried Aaron as they Blakes set about him with podgy hands.
Blows rained down on Aaron, his eyes were black and his nose was smashed. He was in a terrible way.
Sminns ran over and hit a Blake clone so hard with the butt of his rifle that the clone exploded.
‘’Fix bayonets’ screamed Jeddy.
Team trotter all fixed their bayonets which gleamed in the sunlight and advanced as a line to help Aaron who lay motionless on the floor being pummelled by over 50 Blake clones.
They charged the clones popping about 30 of them but they were too late.
Aaron wasn’t breathing, he lay stil,l blood oozing from his mouth, nose, ears and anal passage.
Jeddy quickly checked his vitals.
‘It’s no use he is gone’, shouted Jeddy over the noise of popping Blake clones.
Aaron Hardy had fallen; he lay dead on the ground. This morning when he woke up he would never have imagined that his life could have been this interesting.
His whole life had been one giant boring problem, but he had died valiantly. Well Jeddy at his memorial service would say that as it sounded better than he died crying and screaming while being fisted by a clone Blake.
Team trotter let off more volley fire and several Blakes fell into the dust.
‘Sound the retreat’, shouted Jeddy, he knew this fight could not be won.
Just as they were all about to run into the farm house and barricade the door there was a roar overhead.
The farm house shook and the window panes rattled.
In the sky was an easy jet plane flying low.
Out of the plane a figure could be seen to jump. He jumped and opened a parachute which was decorated with the Spanish flag.
The figure quickly descended to the ground and landed on two feet. He unclipped the parachute and shouted ‘entra granja’.
Jeddy who could speak several languages ran for the farm house, they all scurried through the door with Dave Blake having to suck in his ball to fit in.
‘Bolt the door’, cried Willingale hero man.
Jeddy slammed the bolt shut and placed a chair against the lock.
‘They will never get through that’, he cried.
The parachute jumper stood facing the onrushing Blake clones.
He had a plan up his sleeve.
He quickly pulled out of a backpack a sign that said ‘sin cortes’ (no cuts) on it. He handed it to the first Blake which approached him.
The Blake clone grabbed the sign and was just about to eat it when suddenly the magic of the sign took hold.
The parachute Spanish speaking man had created an economic down turn and had tricked the clone Blakes into thinking that they were all in a triple dip recession.
The Blakes were now in disarray, they were demanding government funded cream buns and a ban on liposuction.
Ticklish Alan watched spear in hand from far away as the first wave of his attack failed. They were now in full protest mood and were building a camp outside the farm house. Several of the Blakes were setting up a tent city and joining the ‘occupy’ movement.
‘Master will not be happy with this’, he thought to himself.
The Spanish man scooped up the body of Aaron Hardy, he was light in his arms. He lifted the flap of his dressing gown and looked at Aaron’s genitals.’ No wonder no girl can be satisfied’, he thought to himself in Spanish.
He carried the body in to the farm house as Jeddy unbolted the door.
Team Trotter was silent.
‘Who are you’, asked Dave Blake.
‘Hola mi nobre es El Wingo’, said the Spaniard.
‘We must give Aaron a proper burial’, said Jeddy while holding back the tears.
Team trotter carried him outside and built a pyre.
The protesting clone Blake looked on shouting about down with capitalism.
They lay Aaron’s body on top of the pyre and set it alight.
Simon sprayed the logs with his man milk for extra flammability and Jeddy bent down to light it.
‘Rest in peace my darling, you may have not been able to satisfy women in this life but in the next you may be a god of sex’, said Jeddy.
With that he flicked a match onto the pyre and it erupted into flames.
Everyone was silent and sullen; they dropped their heads and tears rolled down their cheeks.
‘That is two we have lost now’, spluttered Wilingale hero man.
Soddenly a voice boomed from behind them.
‘There is a way to bring him back’, said the strange voice.
Jeddy spun round to see a figure draped in the brown robes of a holy man.
‘Who are you’, enquired Jeddy.
With that the figure stepped from the barn and walked over.
He pushed his robe hood off his head to reveal a round smiling face.
‘I am Dale Jackson’, said the man.
‘Not the legendary holy healer of Harlow’, screamed Dave from inside his bubble.
‘The healer of Harlow who cured Carl Regelous of leprosy’,said Sminns.
‘The very same’, replied Dale the healer.
‘How do we save him’, asked Jeddy.
‘Easy really, when he is burnt to a crisp we collect his ashes and spill the blood of a virgin over them, and then he will rise again’,said Dale the healer.
They gathered round the fire and waited a couple of hours for the flames to diminish. The Blake army were still protesting and now looked very unwashed and some had dreadlocks and ban the bomb logo t shirts.
Finally the flames were out and the healer gathered up the ashes in a sacred earthen pot.
‘I must say some words and then we will pour the blood of a virgin over them’, said the healer.
‘Where do you get virgin’s blood it’s not in the argos catalogue’, asked Jeddy.
‘There is one amongst your group who is still a virgin’,said the healer.
Everyone in team trotter turned to each other. Which one was a virgin?
It certainly was not Dave Blake that was for sure.
The healer crouched over the pot and said the magical words.‘Mark Jones, Mark Jones, Mark Jones, Mark Jones oooooooh’.
‘You’, boomed the healer.
His finger swept across the member of team trotter and stopped at gimp Bristow.
‘I am not a virgin’, Bristow suddenly said.
‘Oh yes you are my son, fat girls do not count’, replied the healer.
With that the healer grabbed gimp Bristow’s hand and pricked it with a knife.
A drop of blood oozed out and dripped into the ashes of Aaron Hardy.
‘Mark Jones, Mark Jones, Mark Jones, oooooh’, repeated the healer.
The pot started to glow red and hiss and fizzle. There was a humming noise and then a waling.
The healer started to shout the magical words over and over again in a demented roar.
Then suddenly there was a bang and smoke started to plume out of the pot.
Jeddy backed away and hid behind Sminns. Everyone else closed their eyes.
‘Mark Jooooooones’, boomed the healer!
Then there was a flash of lighting and all was still.
Jeddy peered over Sminns’ shoulder and there standing in front of them was Aaron Hardy. But not Aaron Hardy as they once knew him!
To be continued………………………………………
The smoke started to clear and the outline of a man could be seen.
‘He lives’, cackled Dale the healer.
Everyone stared at the figure and waited for their eyes to readjust.
In front of them stood someone that looked like Aaron Hardy but there was something different about him, something strange. No one could put their finger on it though.
‘He looks younger’, said Willingale hero man.
‘He looks sexier’, said Dave Blake from inside his bubble.
Jeddy stepped forward and took one long look at the new Aaron. He eyed him up and down suspiciously.
‘Your black’, cried Jeddy.
Aaron stepped forward and indeed he was blacker than black and had the skin tone of Equatorial Africa.
‘I have always been black my loves, I just hid it under copious amount of make-up’, declared Aaron.
‘I feel free now, I feel myself, like a massive weight off my chest’, said Aaron.
‘Oh one last thing’, he said.
‘What’s that mate’, cried Jeddy.
‘Well I have always been useless with the ladies and there is a reason behind that’, said Aaron.
‘I thought it was just your little limp noodle refusing to work’, Chode piped up with.
‘Well it’s more complicated than that. Jeddy you know how you sometimes find me looking at you while you shower and watching you through the keyhole while you poo’, said Aaron.
‘Yes, I do find that strange’, said Jeddy.
‘Well the reason is because I love you, Jeddy I am gay, I am gayer than Royston Manning, gayer than a passion fruit on a cruise ship. I am fruity galore, bent as a scoliosis sufferers spine, gayer than a man in hot pants roller blading down Brighton sea front’, declared Aaron.
Aaron felt lighter than air; he had finally faced his demons and opened up to the world. He was black, gay, disabled and proud!
‘I must leave you now team Trotter, my work is done. I have healed one of your numbers and now must return to the mountains’, said Dale the healer.
With that there was a puff of smoke a small bang and he had vanished.
Jeddy looked into the horizon. He could see some miles off the clone Blake army standing in formation under the control of Ticklish Alan. They stood waiting and watching waiting for the order to attack.
Most of the protesting Clones Blakes had popped in the mid-day sun now. Only a few were still protesting and were out of the game.
‘We can’t face that army down again’, cried Jeddy.
‘We have but one option, we must all get back in the knowledge wagon and rescue Barnet before his Chopper is destroyed’, said Jeddy.
‘We will smuggle him to France and form a government in exile, we will muster our forces and attack with one epic fight scene that will take 5 pages to describe on the beaches at Dover’, said Jeddy.
‘Hell yeah’, team trotter cried in Unison.
‘I say chaps, I have just discovered something rather nifty about the knowledge wagon’, said Sminns.
Sminns was looking resplendent in a dear stalker hat and had a pipe daintily lolling from his mouth.
‘If you press this big red button marked ‘Chitty Chitty bang bang’, we have flight mode or water mode. Those people of Willingale made some serious improvements to this bus’, said Sminns.
Jeddy taking command in Dave Lewis’ absence shouted a plan of action.
‘Onwards team trotter, all aboard the knowledge wagon and on to save Barnet from almost slightly maybe certain death’, he cried.
Sminns jumped behind the wheel wheel Spanish man and the dribbling Bristow gimp rolled Dave Blake on.
‘There is also a gun turret button’, said Willingale hero man.
Sminns searched the dashboard until he came across the button, he pressed it and a gun tower slowly rose from the roof.
Willingale hero man got behind the gun while Spanish man held the ammunition belt ready to feed it in case of a fire fight.
The all new improved black and gay Aaron minced onto the bus.
‘Onwards duckies’, he squealed with delight.
Sminns slammed his foot on to the accelerator and the wagon lurched forwards.
‘Onward to Dover’, Jeddy cried.
He opened the window and his golden cloak fluttered in the breeze.
Ticklish Alan saw the knowledge wagon drive off. ‘Master, master they are heading towards Dover’, he cried.
Hobbit man was still sitting on his throne; he looked down at Ticklish Alan with a sneer.
‘Follow them with the Blake clone army; and drive them into the sea. I want no prisoners. Bring me that trotter on a plate’, Hobbit man shouted down at Alan.
Ticklish Alan sounded the advance trumpet and the thousand strong clone army started to march towards Dover and follow the dust trail being created by the speeding knowledge wagon.
Meanwhile Dave Lewis was shackled and lying on the floor of Hobbit man’s tent. His gold bikini was dirty and he was exhausted from dancing for the pleasure of Hobbit man and several overly touchy Michael Blake clones.
He looked around and saw that his Blake guards were off for their seventh lunch break. Now was his chance.
He started to cough and spat out a small shard of metal from his Spartan helmet. He scooped it into his hand and fiddled around with his wrist bonds. He placed the shard of metal into the lock and moved it forwards and back. The lock clicked and one cuff fell off, he quickly did the same to all of his bonds and was free.
He rubbed his score wrists and ankles and peered out of the tent flap.
There were Michael Blake’s everywhere.
He knew he needed a disguise if he was to escape.
He could see Hobbit man berating Ticklish Alan and the Michael Blake army getting ready for a waddle march. He heard Hobbit man shout ’I want no prisoners’. Dave Lewis’ heart filled with joy, he knew his friends were still alive. He had to get back to them somehow.
He looked around the tent, it was full of books and bottles of red wine. There was also a small box. He opened it up and inside was a telephone.
Dave dialled the only number he knew. His fingers punched the keypad and a voice answered.
‘Who is this’, said the voice.
‘Jason it’s me Dave, I know I said I would never ring you again after our affair went south, but its am emergency, Jeddy and his beloved trotter are in trouble’, Dave panted down the phone.
‘Where are you’, said Jason.
Dave Lewis explained where he was and Jason said he would be there post haste.
‘I have a plan Dave, just listen out for the sound of a horse’, said Jason.
Dave looked around for some clothes to wear; he was getting quite cold in his gold bikini. There was nothing in the tent apart from his Spartan helmet. He picked it up and kissed it, at least he could look semi Spartan again. He placed the helmet on his head and he felt some power seeping back into his sore muscles.
Jason Field put down his pen and stopped drawing pictures of everything that has happened in this true story.
He dashed outside and whistled with his fingers in his mouth.
Suddenly a horse started to gallop up. The grey horse skidded to a halt on the pavement and looked over at Jason.
‘You whistled Jason’, said the horse.
‘Neil Springate horse carry me onwards to save Dave Lewis and on to trotter victory’.
The Neil Springate horse allowed Jason to jump on his back; he reared up and galloped off into the distance heading towards Dave Lewis and an epic rescue mission.
The knowledge wagon sped along down the road. Sminns swinging the wagon round corners.
Willingale hero man was still manning the gun in the tower.‘The clone army are on the move’, he shouted.
Jeddy looked out of the rear window and could see the lumbering bulk shape of the clone army lurching forward.
‘We can out run them and get there in time’, he shouted.
Spanish man opened up a picnic hamper and started to dish out chorizo. It was the first food any one had eaten all day. They suddenly realised that they were all famished.
‘We have to stop for fuel’, shouted Sminns ‘ keep an eye out for a garage’.
They shot down the road, a sign appeared saying Dover 50 miles. They knew they could get their before the army, but getting Barnet out of the channel tunnel and to safety would be much much harder.
Aaron Hardy pulled his pink dressing gown closer to him; he was feeling the cold now. ‘Hold me Jeddy’, he whispered.
With that Jeddy allowed Aaron to rest his head on Jeddy’s shoulder. They drifted off to an uneasy sleep in the knowledge wagon as Sminns sang as he drove.
Jason galloped along and soon could see the camp where Hobbit man’s clone army had been.
The clone Michael Blakes were now several miles off being led by Ticklish Alan. Hobbit man followed up the rear on his sedan chair throne.
The camp had been left with a skeleton crew, just those left behind to guard Dave Lewis.
Jason had a plan; he had stopped at Sainsbury’s en route and picked up loads of cream bums.
He galloped up to the camps entrance.
‘Free bums’, he cried.
The clone Blakes all looked up in joy; they stumbled forward and had hands out stretched for the buns.
‘Go get them’, Jason cried and threw them as far as he could.
The Blake clones scrambled after them and started to squabble over them rolling around and fighting between them for the buns.
Neil Springate horse reared up and whinnied loudly.
Dave Lewis heard the noise of a horse and popped his head out of the tent.
He saw Jason riding Neil Springate horse and made a dash for it.
The Blake clones were greedily devouring the bums and did not notice him jump up on the horse behind Jason and gallop off.
‘We must catcht he rest of team trotter up’, Dave Lewis shouted to Jason.
They galloped into the distance hoping that they would reach them in time.
Meanwhile in the Channel Tunnel.
Barnet lay silent, his voice was horse from shouting for help and his penis was throbbing with pain under its bonds.
He wondered why a train had not come sooner, if only he knew that there was a French lorry blockade at Calais and no trains would be coming along today.
Join us next time for episode 7.
Jason and Dave Lewis sped off along the dirty road astride the Neil Springate horse.
His chubby little legs were working overtime as he clip clopped along.
They had decided to overtake the clone Blake army by cutting through the woods. They would gallop under the cover of the trees and reappear onto the road before the Blake army had seen them approach.
‘Woooah Neil Springate horse, what’s the matter’, shouted Jason.
The Neil Springate horse bucked and whinnied. ‘I do not like it inside the enchanted forest Jason, bad things happen to horses’, the horse whinnied.
‘Oh man the fuck up’, bellowed Dave Lewis and they plunged into the darkness of the forest.
Deeper they rode as the darkness seemed to get thicker and envelope them.
Soon they were lost and Neil Sprinagte horse wasn’t happy.
He whinnied and bucked and rode up. He certainly did not like being in the forest.
‘What is the matter horse’, shouted Jason.
‘Look a man approaches’, the Neil Springate horse whinnied.
Dave Lewis looked up and jumped down off the Neil Springate horse. He clenched his fists and was ready for a fight.
‘Fear not for I am a friend’, the figure in the gloom said.
The figure stepped forward to reveal himself. He looked up to show a kind smiling face.
The figure was dressed in pure white robes with a crotch less section. Underneath a leather thong with metal studs could be seen.
‘I am the guardian of the enchanted forest and I know of your quest. I have seen the evil army on the road yonder; I know the pains that you have suffered’, said the guardian of the forest.
Dave Lewis had indeed been through a lot of pain. Even since he answered the call of Team Trotter he had endured the most painful beatings in the heat of battle.
‘We are lost guardian of the forest, which way to the road for we must save our friend who could have his knob violated by a train’, asked Jason.
The guardian stepped forward and his studs on his thong glinted in the shards of light that penetrated the forest canopy.
‘Carry straight on, but beware the forest goblins’, he said.
The guardian of the forest looked at Neil Sringate horse and licked his lips. ‘Mmmm tesco’, he muttered.
‘He is not food you devil, he is our trusty steed’, barked Dave Lewis.
‘I demand to know which way’, snarled Dave Lewis.
The guardian of the forest had been alone in the woods for many years, he did not like the way that this gold bikini glad Spartan spoke to him.
‘You shall fight me to find out’, he cried and with that pulled off his robes to reveal pierced nipples his thong and a butt plug sticking out of his arse with a tail on the end.
‘I was south area thumb wrestling champion before I became guardian of the enchanted forest. In those days I was known as Martin Parker’,cried the guardian of the forest.
The forest guardian and Dave Lewis crouched low and started to circle one another, Neil Springate horse started to get jittery and Jason had to told his rains.
The guardian made the first move and lunged at Dave Lewis who landed a massive upper cut and sent the guardian hurtling back into a tree.
He smacked the tree with such force that he was showered in leaves and twigs that fell from the very top.
‘Oi stop shaking my tree’, came a voice from above.
All eyes suddenly turned upwards and there peering out of a rudimentary tree house was a forest goblin.
‘Run, run for your lives’, shouted the guardian of the forest who got up and suddenly he was gone.
‘That stupid sod causing trouble again’, said the goblin.
‘Who are you’, demanded Dave Lewis fists clenched.
‘Calm down you bearded clown I mean you no harm, my name is Carl Regelous the forest goblin. That nut job who calls himself the guardian is just some odd ball who has scrambled his brain by looking as weird sick porn on his phone all the time’, said the goblin.
The goblin Carl quickly descended the tree and stood on the ground.
He was over 7 feet tall and was stark naked with a bulbous red helmet.
‘Stop looking at my knob, I can’t help being Jewish’, said Carl the goblin.
‘We need to get out of here’, whinnied the Neil Springate horse.
‘Well you have come to the right goblin; follow that path for 3 miles and when it forks turn right. Bang you will be on the road’, said the goblin.
‘Thank you, how can we repay you’, said Dave Lewis.
‘Well there is one thing’, said Carl Goblin.
Several hours later they all were smoking cigarettes in the goblins bed in his tree house. Dave Lewis looked exhausted and Jason had a grin on his face.
The goblin was asleep and Neil Springate horse was tethered below as his hooves would not allow him to get up the tree.
Quietly Jason and Dave Lewis crept out of bed and descended the tree, they jumped on to Neil Springate horse and followed the path for 3 miles before turning right. The canopy grew less dense and suddenly they were back on the road.
The Michael Blake army had not caught up yet so the galloped off to try and catch up with the knowledge wagon.
The knowledge wagon was now on the outskirts of Dover.
Jeddy was using a road map to guide them into the area they needed to be.
The channel tunnel entrance was patrolled by customs and policemen. But Jeddy had a plan to get past.
‘Dave run at the police men and impregnate them all, while they are giving birth we will drive through and hide the knowledge wagon under those conveniently placed tarpaulins. Then we will use these torches that I just so have happened to have found in Chodes arse and we can go down the tunnel’.
Dave Blake was ready. He unzipped a section of his ball and was just about to lunge at the police men when all hell broke loose.
‘Hi boys’ cried the exuberantly gay Aaron Hardy and he lunged at the police men’s crotches.
‘Come here I love a man in uniform, let me feel your meat’,he kept saying.
The police started to give chase. ‘Chase me boys, chase me and back me into a corner’, Aaron kept shouting.
‘My god it’s working’, though Jeddy. , Aaron had caused such a kerfuffle that the entrance was now unguarded.
Quickly they drove the knowledge wagon through customs and hid it under a large tarpaulin. It didn’t look conspicuous at all.
Jeddy ran down the channel tunnel torch in hand. The beam of light shining like a light sabre in front of him. He was followed by Spanish man, Willingale hero man and Dave Blake in his ball.
Sminns and Bristow gimp were keeping look out outside the tunnel.
All the time Aaron Hardy was playing kiss chase with the customs and police officers.
They travelled deeper into the tunnel.
‘Donde Barnet’, asked Spanish man.
‘He must be down here somewhere’, though Jeddy.
Then they heard it.
‘Help me, please help me’.
They ran down the tunnel their torch beams jiggling as they ran.
‘There he is’, shouted Dave Blake in excitement.
Barnet lay semi-conscious and slightly delirious in the dark.
‘Jeddy is that you’, he said through gasps.
‘I am here my captain; we have come to save you. Quickly Willingale hero man shoot milk from your udders and break his bonds’, shouted Jeddy.
Simon the Willingale hero made quick work of the bonds and Jeddy picked up Barnet and carried him out while the other three struggled to pull his massively swollen penis out behind them.
They reached day light and were greeted by a terrible sight.
All along the tops of the white cliffs of Dover were thousands of Michael Blake clones all looking down on them.
Hobbit man had a megaphone in his hand and shouted through it.
‘You are surrounded, give up and I will welcome you with open arms into my new regime’, he shouted through the megaphone.
‘Fuck that’, shouted Jeddy. ‘Sminns fire up the knowledge wagon we are driving through the tunnel’, Jeddy bellowed.
Sminns ran over and pulled off the tarpaulin and jumped in the driver’s seat.
‘All aboard’ he shouted.
They aimed for the tunnel but the knowledge wagon was too big for the opening.
Jeddy lay the unconscious Barnet on the back seat while Spanish man strapped his chopper to the roof.
‘Hit the chitty chitty bang bang button’, cried Jeddy.
Sminns smashed the button and the knowledge wagon started to rumble and whir. The noises of clogs turning filled the air. The whirring got louder and a giant rotor blade appeared from the gun turret.
The rotor blades started to spin and the down draft sent papers, bins and a sleeping tramp flying.
‘Get in’, bellowed Spanish man.
They all jumped in and last to get aboard was Aaron Hardy who had finished touching the policemen.
The knowledge wagon took to the air just as the Blake clones swarmed down the cliffs and towards them.
‘Get them, don’t let them escape’, screamed Hobbit man.
The knowledge wagon took to the sky just as the first Blake clone grabbed the axle. One solitary Blake clone was lifted into the air and carried out to sea as the knowledge wagon escaped.
At that very moment Dave Lewis and Jason on Neil Sprinagte horse tore through the streets of Dover.
‘We can make it, we can make it, Barnet’s cock is dangling off the roof, if we can just grab it then we can catch a lift’, shouted Dave Lewis from behind Jason.
Neil Springate horse’ hooves went into over drive. He knew that if they didn’t make it the Michael Blake clones would put him in a tesco burger.
They tore into the harbour and along a Jetty.
‘We are running out of track’, shouted Jason.
Suddenly Neil Springate horse leapt into the air Dave Lewis outstretched his hand and grabbed the end of Barnet’s penis. In his other hand he help Jason and Jason had hold of Neil Springate horse’ tail.
‘We made it’, Jason cried as they slowly disappeared over the English Channel.
Ticklish Alan looked on as the knowledge wagon flew out over the channel. He was helpless to stop them and lost for ideas.
Ticklish Alan hated being the head of security and wine production for Hobbit man. He never envisioned a career in this field. He was a trained dancer who studied at the Bolshoi theatre in Moscow and was a talented male ballerina.
Many years ago after leaving the theatre he looked for work in London; he joined the cast of a travelling theatre company and toured the UK dancing to a large chorus of booing. His ballerina talents did not go down very well in the working man clubs of Northern England; for some reason the Northerners did not get ballet.
Ticklish Alan left the travelling theatre company and fell into a life of alcohol abuse and male prostitution. One day he caught a ferry to Spain and danced on the streets of towns to earn money. He danced to film sound tracks played on an old stereo and managed to gather enough money to travel through Europe and one day found himself in the Hungarian capital of Budapest.
Alan arrived unwashed, shoeless and destitute. He had spent his last pennies on buying a cappuccino from a petrol station.
He had nothing to his name, no money, no friends and no chance.
Ticklish Alan sat on the floor with a dead look behind his eyes. How could a trained dancer become such a poor soul of a man? He sat sullenly and stared into space for a long time.
Night fell and the temperature dropped. Ticklish Alan pulled his arms across his chest and rubbed himself for warmth. His teeth chattered and his feet felt numb.
A shadow slowly crept across Alan and he was suddenly aware that someone was standing over him. He looked up and saw a diminutive man with a devilish smile dressed in full khaki dress uniform with a long curling moustache.
Ticklish Alan was saved from the cold that night by Hobbit man. He knew he was indebted to him for saving him from a life of blowjobs for a fiver behind the public toilets and selling his kidneys. But he hated Hobbit man for what he stood for.
He hated the pure evilness, he hated the vengeance in Hobbit man’s voice and he hated his lust for breaking every health and safety law.
Hobbit man installed Ticklish Alan as his head of security. He washed him, shaved him and dressed him in a little sailors’ uniform for several months. Every day Ticklish Alan learnt how to be a henchman. He fired guns, learnt garrotting techniques and also wore many pairs of suspenders when he danced for the minions who would one day run away to Brentwood.
Ticklish Alan stood on top of the cliffs of Dover. The wind sent his hair flying in every direction and the spray from the sea stung his eyes.
He looked on and saw one Michael Blake clone still clinging to the axle of the knowledge wagon as its rotor blades carried it out to sea.
Dangling below was Dave Lewis gripping with all his might at the tip of Barnet’s chopper which dangled down. In Dave Lewis’ other hand he held Jason field and Jason held the tail of Neil Springate horse.
Ticklish Alan saw them slowly disappear and a smile started to form on his face.
In that group of would be heroes and random odd balls he saw a band of brothers that he would love to belong too.
He had not smiled for years in the service of Hobbit man; he had just felt pain. But when Hobbit man captured Dave Lewis and he and Ticklish Alan had danced he had felt a pang of lust and a feeling of joy. A feeling that he had not felt since he was in Moscow appearing in the nut cracker.
Ticklish Alan knew that Hobbit man would command his Michael Blake clone army to drink the channel dry or form a giant blubber raft and float across. Whatever was easier really?
He had to try and get to these strange new would be friends that he so sought before Hobbit man could capture them and turn them into ornaments in a charity shop window.
He had little time, he knew Hobbit man would be carried into the port soon on his sedan chair throne. He must catch them up, but how?
Dave Lewis held on for all his worth, he was making Barnet’s helmet turn purple and resemble a heart attack victims forehead.
Jason shouted up to the knowledge wagon but the rotor blades were too loud and no one inside could hear them.
All the while a baffled looking Blake clone hung onto the axle whimpering.
‘I have a plan’, shouted Dave Lewis. ‘If I can start to swing you we can gain some momentum and swing up and smash through the window, thus landing safely and making a rather dashing entrance’.
Dave Lewis started to swing and Jason moved his hips with the rhythm of the lunges.
Soon they were building up momentum like on a child’s swing and Neil Springate horse was looking a little squeamish.
Inside the knowledge wagon Aaron Hardy was mincing about and trying to touch Sminns. ‘Not while I am fly driving’, Sminns barked at him.
Jeddy stood looking out the window sipping on a glass of Simon’s udder milk. The milk moustache that formed on his top lip tasted a little salty and he shot a look at Aaron.
‘Sorry ducky I couldn’t help myself babe’, squeaked Aaron as Jeddy spat out the udder milk in disgust.
‘How far to France’, Said Dave Blake from inside his bubble.
‘Is France part of Wales’, said Tom the Gimp Bristow.
Jeddy was just about to back hand Bristow for being an imbecile when there was a smash and glass shards flew everywhere.
‘What the devil’, cried Sminns who almost lost control of the knowledge wagon and banked a steep right to level out.
‘Dave’, shouted Willingale hero man.
Everyone spun round and there standing covered in blood and glass shards was Dave Lewis. His Spartan helmet looked blemished and dented and he was wearing a red bikini.
‘Spongar, I have returned my loves. I battled beasts, men and lesbians and now am here to lead you into battle’,shouted Dave.
There was a silence and all eyes turned towards Jeddy. Two leaders in one knowledge wagon, could this work? Would it become a Clegg Cameron relationship where one is no more than a glorified rent boy or would it become a Jedi and young Padawan relationship?
‘Where did that fat old horse come from’, shouted Dave Blake from inside his bubble.
Suddenly all eyes fell on Neil Springate horse who was looking a bit green after all the swinging.
‘Hi I am Jason, I can paint your portrait and if I paint cats they come alive’, Jason piped up.
‘We will come to you later artist boy’, shouted Sminns. ‘Who is the bloody horse’?
Neil Springate horse started to whinny.
‘No horses allowed in the knowledge wagon’, shouted Willingale hero man.
Neil Springate horse started to back and rear up. Willingale hero man threw on a harness and lashed a rope from his harness to a hook in the wagon.
‘Outside and stay out, we can’t have you pooing on the floor horsey’, said Willingale hero man.
With that the knowledge wagon continued with an air sick horse vomiting while dangling on a rope outside.
‘Oh one last thing my loves, we have a Blake clone hanging to the axle’, said Dave Lewis.
Jeddy saw this as an opportunity to show his new leadership skills and enforce his alpha male presence on the bus.
‘I will deal with him lads’, Jeddy cried.
He ruffled under his gold lycra and put his hand into his marsupial pouch.
‘I have a handy net gun, we could capture him and plug him for information’, Jeddy said.
‘Great give it to me’ boomed Dave Lewis.
‘No I want to do it’, Jeddy retorted.
‘Why have you got a net gun Jeddy’, Aaron squealed.
‘I use it for catching shop lifters in Marks and Spencer’,Jeddy said.
‘Pass it here my child’, said Dave Lewis.
Jeddy knew this could turn messy, he knew he had one chance and one shot before Dave Lewis lunged for the gun and took it off him.
He stood staring Dave Lewis in the eye. The wind from the broken window blew his cape up and ruffled Dave Lewis’ beard.
Suddenly the net gun was grabbed out of Jeddy’s hand and aimed out of the window. The trigger was pulled and in one sudden lightening moment the net shot out surrounded the startled Blake clone that screamed and was hauled inside the knowledge wagon.
‘I use net guns to catch young girls’, said Barnet who had woken from his slumber.
‘Let’s question him’, Barnet shouted.
Everyone surrounded the Blake clone who was still inside the net and peering out. He was shaking with fear and almost unresponsive.
‘I have an idea’, said Jason who offered him a cup of Willingale hero man’s udder milk.
The Blake clone lunged for the milk, snarling and dribbling.
‘No no no you don’t, tell us all we want to know or we won’t feed you’, said Jeddy.
The Blake clone looked up, his eyes were full of tears and his lip was sticking out in a childlike expression.
The clone took one big breath in and said, ‘I just want to be cuddled’.
Ticklish Alan saw Hobbit man approaching him. He hated the sight of that evil man; he hated the thing that he had made him do. Ticklish Alan’s memories were scarring his brain from the things that Hobbit man had ordered him to do.
Ticklish Alan had killed, stolen, punched and kicked old women. Been responsible for arson, burglary, running a Thai lady boy peep show and the worst of all he had been made to appear as a naked extra in Glee.
He knew he had to escape his clutches now and he had to do it fast.
Alan’s brain raced and his eyes searched for an escape.
Just as he was running out of ideas an old lady cycled past on an old bike. He ran towards her and snatched the bike off her.
‘That’s my bloody bike’, she croaked.
‘Shut it you slag’, Ticklish Alan shouted and with one big shove he pushed her off the white cliffs of Dover to a certain death.
Luckily she landed on a pile of Blake clones and was unharmed.
Ticklish Alan pulled off the bicycle pump and shoved it up the nearest Blake clone’s arse.
He pumped furiously and the clone started to inflate.
Hobbit man saw him and realised something was up.
‘Ticklish Alan come here and dance for me’, he boomed.
‘Bugger doing that’, Alan thought as he pumped vigorously into the Blake clone’s arse.
The clones was rising into the air and floating. A giant balloon with little legs and little arms sticking out.
Ticklish Alan jumped up onto the inflated Blake clone and braced himself. With one ‘pop’ he pulled the pump out of the clone’s arse.
The air rushed out and Ticklish Alan shot out over the channel giving the finger to Hobbit man who had turned red.
‘Wait for me my potential friends’, Ticklish Alan shouted as he rocked through the air.
‘You will be punished for this Ticklish Alan, I will hunt you down like a 1970s sex offender in operation Yewtree, Hobbit man boomed. But his words were lost to Ticklish Alan who was travelling faster than any Blake clone had travelled before.
Hobbit man threw down his glass or merlot, it smashed on one of the Blake clone’s moobs.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a phone and dialled a number.
The phone rang and a gruff voice answered.
‘Is this the committee?’ Hobbit man said. ‘I have a little job for you’.
To be continued……………………………….
‘To whom am I speaking’, Hobbit man sneered down the phone.
‘You are through to the committee, which department do you want’, the voice on the line said.
The committee were a ruthless band of mercenaries founded by pirates in the 19th century. They have existed ever since in the secret world of shadow and lies.
They have outlived many secret societies and cults but unlike most weald incredible power and have many eyes and ears in the corridors of Whitehall and other countries governments.
‘I want to hire your most vicious assassin’, said Hobbit man. ‘But I want him cheap’.
The voice on the other end went silent. There was a long agonising pause and Hobbit man was about to ask if anyone was there when he heard an answer.
‘There is one man who may help you. I will send for him right away, but I warn you with his cheapness comes a potential for self-destruction’.
With that the line went dead.
Hobbit man put the phone back in his pocket and started to pace up and down. His khaki dress uniform was messy from the dust created by the marching Blake clones and his moustache was starting to droop in the heat of the sun.
He knew that Team Trotter had escaped all his attempts to capture, kill, maim or destroy them.
They were resourceful, cunning and led by the mysterious Jeddy.
Hobbit man and Jeddy had a long history going back many years. Jeddy however did not know of this connection.
When Hobbit man was a young pup he would walk in the fields full of dreams of saving the world and eliminating famine and disease. He was a dreamer, but one full of promise who would go on to achieve things.
One day he was walking through the fields and he saw some old chemical containers dumped in the ditch. One of the metal drums was open and oozing a green liquid into the ditch.
Hobbit man looked on disgusted at this horrible piece of environmental waste. He could not believe that people would dump potentially toxic filth in such an idyllic location.
Hobbit man walked over to the other side of the ditch where a road backed onto it. This is where the lorry carrying the drums must have come from to dump them.
He was leaning over the drums trying to read the corroded labels on them when a red car came down the road.
It had L plates on a ginger kid behind the wheel who was slightly out of control. The car came skidding to a halt and attempted a 3 point turn. A young spotty teenage Jeddy was behind the wheel as he reversed he felt a bump. He stopped looked in his mirror but couldn’t see anything. His instructor told him to drive on so the teenage Jeddy finished the jerky manoeuvre and then kangarooed the car from first into second and sped back down the road.
The young Hobbit man lay motionless dazed and bruised in the pool of oozing green goo. The car had knocked him off his feet and into the ditch.
He lay motionless ad the toxic liquid soaked into his clothing and travelled deep into his pores.
The liquid entered his blood stream and travelled fast to his brain.
Hobbit man awoke several hours later. His head throbbed and he was filthy. He stumbled home and washed the ooze off himself.
He looked into the mirror and didn’t recognise what he saw. He seemed older somehow, his hair slightly grey, his facial hair was growing faster than it ever had done and he had the 5 o clock shadow on his face even though it was only lunchtime.
His eyes seemed different, almost like pools of deep deep water. He stared into his own eyes and was lost in the vision he saw.
The vision he saw was that of hatred for the world
The toxic fluid had corrupted him, it stunted his growth physically but his mind grew rapidly.
His body may have been short in stature but he matured quickly. Gaining wrinkles and grey hairs.
His brain demanded information and so he took to the road and travelled the world for several years.
He lived in Nepal with the Buddhist monks trying to control his inner rage that grew bigger each day until he could take it no more. A fire raged inside him and he felt anger so strong that he could scream at the world for no reason. His eyes grew blood shot and the longer he fought off his inner pain and more the toxins inside his blood stream made him delve deeper into madness.
One day he snapped he could fight no more and he fell in to a deep coma.
The monks nursed their strange angry lodger as his body sweated and thrashed about in a sleep turmoil resembling night terrors, until one day he opened his eyes again.
The person who woke was no longer the young man who had fallen asleep. He was a vision of terror a man hell bent on ruling the world and shackling everyone into slavery.
His thirst for knowledge was fantastic and he devoured every book he could get. He read military tactics, chemical weaponry, biology and eugenics. He looked into cloning and wanted to create an army that would help him take over the world.
He travelled extensively looking for ideas and speaking to scientists. Many would only divulge their secrets after he had tortured them.
Then one day in rainy Budapest he stumbled upon a man down on his luck and adopted him as his body guard and second in command.
Hobbit man stood looking down at the English Channel and the last dot on the horizon that was Ticklish Alan vanishing on the inflatable Blake clone.
The rage inside him rose. He could feel it form in his gut and rise up his throat. His fists were clenched and the veins in his temples stood out.
Ticklish Alan would pay for this treachery. ‘All the things I did for you boy’, he hissed to himself.
‘You will pay for this, mark my words’.
In a dark room a large round table stood. Sat round it were several cloaked figures. All were still and no one spoke. In the centre of the table was a telephone that had recently rung.
One of the cloaked figures looked up. No face could be seen under his cloaked hood. Only two burning red eyes.
His voice came slow and pronounced. It escaped his hidden mouth and haunted the room with its presence.
‘Hobbit man requires an assassin. There is one such man available. Send for Royston’.
With that the committee members rose as one and floated out of the room. Their cloaks hid any trace of life underneath but you could see the skeletal finger tips protruding from their arms.
Carl the forest goblin sat in his tree house. He had felt so lonely since those two lovely lads had ridden that fat horse here and he had spent a fantastic sexual evening with them.
His feet dangled off the side and he sighed a sigh of someone who had missed a chance.
The forest was silent. Not even the guardian of the forest could liven things up as he had gone AWOL.
The silence was broken by a rustling.
Carl the goblin looked down and saw a man walking and puffing out his chest. His bald head reflected the shards of light that broke the canopy and fell to the forest floor.
‘A new play thing’, Carl though as he clambered down the tree.
‘Who are you’, enquired Carl as his red headed penis jiggled as he stepped over the roots of the tree.
The puffing chest person stopped and looked up at Carl.
‘I am the famous assassin Royston’, he beamed.
‘Never heard of you, were you in a band’, enquired Carl.
‘You must have heard of me’, Royston said.
‘I am famous in these parts’.
‘Famous for what’, Carl retorted.
‘I was the one who almost killed the dragon of Shelley, I was the one who ran away from the porn double of Tescos, I was the one who narrowly lost to a pensioner at the biscuit game.’
Carl looked at Royston none the wiser.
‘Would I know you from anywhere else’, he enquired.
Royston scratched his bald head. ‘I was the assassin who made my silencer so silent that I didn’t realise I had shot myself, the assassin who shot a cow by accident when I was trying to initiate a war in Mali. You must have heard of me? I was the assassin who can’t shoot straight and fell asleep on the job’, Royston said exasperated.
‘Doesn’t ring a bell’, said Carl.
‘Anyway, fancy coming into my house for a quick horizontal workout’, Carl interjected.
With that episode 9 ends with Carl; and Royston climbing into bed.
This part has been cut by the British board of control who deem it too rude to write.
Join us next time for episode 10.
Will Carl climax before Royston or will Royston the terrible assassin fail to shoot his gun?
Ticklish Alan could see the knowledge wagon in front of him with a fat horse dangling from a rope.
The inflated Blake clone shot through the air and he hung on for dear life gripping into the fatty flesh with his fingernails.
Inside the knowledge wagon the captured Blake clone was still crying. Blubbing into a crusty hanky that Aaron had given him.
Jeddy stood looking out of the window as what he thought was a bird.
‘There is something gaining on us’, he bellowed and all inside turned to look at the unusual sight of Ticklish Alan waving a white hanky and riding an inflated Blake clone.
‘This must be a trick’, Dave Lewis shouted. ‘Battle stations everyone’.
Before everyone could get ready the rear window smashed as the inflated Blake clone hurtled into the rear of the knowledge wagon.
Glass showered over the interior and Sminns at the wheel momentarily lost control and the knowledge wagon lurched violently to the left, sending Aaron falling into Gimp Bristow’s lap. ‘Hello ducky’ he purred before Bristow pushed him off because he wasn’t a fat girl.
Ticklish Alan had hurtled through the window and landed on the floor. He rolled over and sat up and immediately lifted his hands up in surrender as Simon the Willingale hero man covered him with his udders in a menacing stance.
‘Move and I man milk you’, barked Willingale hero man his straw suit rustling in the breeze from the broken window.
‘Don’t milk me, don’t milk me, I have come to join you. I hate Hobbit man and the way eh treats me. I want to join your fight and defeat him for once and for all’ pleaded Ticklish Alan, his hands raised up covering his face from a potential man milk soaking.
‘Kill him’ barked Dave Blake from inside his bubble..
‘No’, shouted Jeddy as he stepped between the udders and Ticklish Alan. ‘I believe him’.
‘So do I my children’ said Dave Lewis stepping forward.
‘When I was captured by Hobbit man Ticklish Alan looked after me and we had a little dance together. I feel his pain. I accept you into my loyal team of misfit’, Dave said.
‘Hang on I thought Jeddy was the leader’, said Spanish Wingo in a Catalan dialect that no one understood.
Everyone ignored him and turned to look at Jeddy.
‘I wanted to be a leader, to be a real boy, big and strong with a mighty trotter’, said Jeddy.
He turned and looked out of the window, his golden cape fluttering in the breeze a tear welled in his eye.
Dave Lewis could see that Jeddy had always wanted to lead; he had always dreamed of being a somebody and had always felt it was his destiny.
He put his arm round Jeddy’s shoulders and gave him a squeeze.
‘My child there can be two leaders, for there are two massive jobs. We need to raise an army to fight Hobbit man and we also need to appeal to the United Nations general assembly. I will raise the army and you can lead from a political perspective’, said Dave Lewis.
Jeddy’s eyes grew wide and a smile erupted on his little ginger face.
‘The United Nations, New York, in front of the world’s press you mean’ Jeddy spurted out.
‘I am in, I will do that and we will defeat Hobbit man once and for all’, Jeddy bellowed.
‘That’s the spirit’, Dave Lewis said and slapped Jeddy on the back making him cough.
There was a loud popping noise and all heads turned to the shattered rear window as the Blake clone Ticklish Alan had ridden through he air exploded.
‘Ticklish Alan you are the man from the other side, the man who came in from the cold, how do we defeat that clone army’, said Dave Lewis.
‘There is a way, but first we must land in France and get Jeddy on the TV speaking to the world’s press’. Alan said.
‘Send word of our imminent arrival; Willingale Hero man use your udders as an aerial and send a Morse code message to the French authorities’.
Royston the world’s worst assassin walked through the forest and arrived on the road to Dover. He was sore from the night of passionate love making with Carl the forest Goblin, but he was even more sore from when the Guardian of the forest Martin Parker suddenly appeared and demanded a threesome.
Royston was never one to turn down a free meal so had gone along with all the naked play fighting, but he was limping badly and was sure he had caught something as a rash had appeared in his nether regions.
His limp hindered his progress as he headed for Dover, at this speed it would take days to get there.
Back in Dover…..
Hobbit man stood on the Jetty at Dover looking on as his army of Blake clones marched back toward Ongar.
He had decided to leave his enemies in France and return to build a fortified castle near the rugby club from which he could rule the world.
He was going to send his clones out to every corner of the land and round up the local people. Once they had been terrorised into submission he would put them into working groups and set them to hard labour building war machines for his world domination.
He laughed hard and long and his eyes looked even more demented.
Now that he had pursued his enemies across the channel he had deemed it as a magnificent military victory and had taken to wearing a full Field Marshalls uniform adorned with row upon row of gleaming medals.
‘Blake clones onwards to Ongar’, he boomed and as the army marched off carrying him aloft on his throne sedan chair his cackling laughter grew fainter and fainter.
The knowledge wagon had touched down on French soil and immediately been besieged by the worlds media.
Camera flashes surrounded them and startled their eyes.
‘Calm down, calm ladies and gentlemen’, Jeddy cried while standing on top of Dave Blake’s bubble.
The press started to quieten down and all were poised with Dictaphones, note pads and cameras to capture his words.
‘I am Jeddy and we have travelled far and battled hard to get here. We need your help in raising an army to fight the evil Hobbit man who threatens your liberty and freedom. He will bind you in chains and ruin this world if we do not stand toe to toe and battle him’, Jeddy shouted over the crowd.
People started to shout and the American journalists shouted‘Hell yeah’ while the more refined British of Fleet street nodded and doffed their caps.
‘I want all men women, Children, animals and French things of fighting age to assemble at Dover for the march against Hobbit man’.
A huge cheer erupted from the crowd and Jeddy’s words were lost in a wall of noise.
People started going ape shit and jumping about, they danced shouted and sang songs about death to Hobbit man.
Jeddy was hoisted up high and paraded through the street. Following him were the other Members of Team Trotter all carried shoulder high into the centre of Calais.
In a dark room with a round table sat several cloaked figures. No one spoke and the silence was deafening.
Suddenly a telephone in the middle of the table started to ring.
One of the cloaked figures reached out a skeletal hand and answered.
‘Speak’ the cloaked figure’s voice hissed into the mouth piece.
‘Eh hello is that the committee. It’s Royston the assassin here. I am not sure how to tell you this but I seem to be lost’. The voice on the phone line said.
‘Where are you’, hissed the cloaked figure.
‘In a gay bar in Soho, I took a wrong turn and seem to be in drag and am up on stage in ten minutes. I am not sure I will make the assassination attempt on Team Trotter on time’.
‘Useless’, hissed the cloaked figure and slammed the phone down.
‘I don’t know if we are on the right side’, he hissed, his burning red eyes looking at the other members sat around the table.
One of the cloaked figure stood up and drifted towards an ancient television. He flicked a switched and it whirred into life. On the screen was Jeddy standing next to Ban Ki Moon the UN secretary general and giving a speech.
He was pleading for the world to unite and supply an army to fight Hobbit man.
‘There is a way he can defeat the armies of Hobbit man’,hissed the cloaked figure.
‘He just does not know his powers yet; only one of us committee members can unlock his inner power’.
‘We must have a meeting and consult the oracle to see whether we can let this Jeddy know of his true potential’.
All cloaked heads turned to one another and nodded in agreement.
‘Send for the oracle, send for Mark Jones’, hissed the cloaked figure.
The long march to Love Lane
Last time we saw Team Trotter they were in France after narrowly escaping from Hobbit Man and his evil Clone Blake army. They escaped over the channel and landed safely in France.
There they were joined by a defecting Ticklish Alan who had finally had enough of the dastardly ways of Hobbit Man.
Jeddy had taken the lead in a political perspective and was appearing on TV the world over urging everyone to unite against the evils of Hobbit man and his plans for world domination.
Royston the assassin was lost in a gay bar in Soho and therefore was out of the picture, and the committee were starting to think that they were on the wrong side supporting Hobbit man.
Back in Ongar
Hobbit man had been carried on his throne Sedan chair all the way from Dover to Ongar. The clones had set up camp at Love Lane the spiritual home of all true love in the world and many were standing guard by the swings.
Hobbit man sat in a large tent with a massive four poster bed in the middle. He sat on a camp chair and looked pensive, his military Field marshal’s uniform was opened at the neck and his cap was on his knee.
Running through his mind was everything he wanted to do after he had achieved world domination. Already the people of Ongar had fled as his clone army waddled into town.
First of all he wanted to introduce a new currency, he would name it after his old adversary. He would call it the ‘Jeddy’. One Jeddy would buy a loaf of bread but a million Jeddies would buy military machines and a special gun that when you shot it your enemies turned to Jelly.
He sat all through the night in a state of deep though, so deep that outside the Blake clones were starting to get restless and fight between themselves.
They were hungry and had ransacked both Sainsbury’s and Tesco’s and were after more food. The less food they got the more irritable they became.
Cross Chanel Ferry
Jeddy stood on deck his cape fluttering in the breeze, along ide him Dave Lewis stood. His nipples under his Spartan robe were quite erect from the sea spray.
The ferry was loaded with members of the world’s press, team trotter the knowledge wagon and a thousand strong army made up of volunteers from the world over.
Each were armed with hovels, spade and pick axes and would all die rather than see Hobbit man achieve world domination.
The Ferry docked at Dover and the army disembarked slowly. The large columns of men all stood to attention as Jeddy appeared on the quayside. They saluted and fell silent to hear his words.
“Free men of the world we are united here to destroy a common enemy that if we do not face up to it will force the world into an era of tyranny” Jeddy boomed.
“Oooh he is such a lovely speaker”, purred Aaron into Gimp Bristow’s ear.
“Follow me to the death” Jeddy screamed.
The crowd erupted and started to cheer and sing.
They started to march and slowly made their way from Dover to Ongar.
Soon would be the final show down.
In a dark airless room that stank of mould the committee sat around their large oak table. Each one cloaked with their faces hidden.
“Soon the oracle will be here”, one of the masked figures hissed.
With that there was a loud ding dong as the doorbell chimed.
A cloaked figure rose and drifted across the floor and opened the door.
There standing in the door way surrounded by busty Hooters girl was a man resembling a younger Chuck Norris. In walked Mark Jones, otherwise known as the oracle.
Mark Jones sauntered into the dark room; his stone wash tight jeans and double denim shirt illuminated everywhere he went with his 80s persona.
The cloaked figures surrounded him and pointed at him with skeletal hands. “You must release the Jeddasaurus when the time is right Oh Oracle, you must help Team Trotter”, they hissed.
Mark Jones knew exactly what to do.
He winked at the committee and raced out of the room. He jumped on his Raleigh chopper and pedalled as fast as his legs would carry him.
Off he went to find the sacred stone of Rex. Only the Rex Stone could release the Jeddasaurus.
Mark Jones was the only man who knew where the stone was kept. This stone was a mysterious and sacred item hidden many years ago in a safe place. Only if the world was in real danger could the stone be uncovered and its full powers released.
Many years ago when Mark Jones was masquerading as a policeman he undertook the job as keeper of the stones secret.
It was a dark day and a red moon lingered in the air.
A child had been born, not just any child but a flame haired child. This child was not the son of any human. In truth it came from a planet far far away and the child had the potential to possess superpowers. He was being brought up as their own by a kindly couple called the Rileys.
They knew this child was special but did not know of the Rex Stone.
If Mark Jones managed to get the Rex stone and place it in the chest cavity of Jeddy then Jeddy would transform into an unstoppable being. He would become the Jeddasaurus Rex. A powerful all conquering machine of a man. So strong and amazing that women would fall at his feet and Aaron Hardy would drool for a thousand years.
Mark Jones retold this story aloud to anyone he cycled past as he headed off to the secret place he had hidden the Rex Stone.
He arrived after 5 minutes and opened his toilet door, pulled the cistern lid to one side and splashed his hand into the water. He sploshed about for a bit and then pulled out a brightly shining ginger stone.
“Behold the Rex Stone” he cried to no one in particular!
On the Road to Ongar
Team Trotter and their army marched along.
Jeddy and Dave Lewis rode Neil Springate horse while the rest of team trotter followed behind.
Dave Blake rolled along in his ball and beside him minced Gimp Bristow and Willingale hero man, his udders dripping milk in anticipation of the battle ahead.
Aaron walked holding hands with Jason the artist and Sminns who was resplendent in tweed and smoking his very best Shire tobacco.
Carl the sex mad forest Goblin had joined their ranks and along with Martin Parker the forest guardian. They also had Dale the Harlow healer in their ranks and he walked with a giant boner as he looked at Aaron in his new battle costume of tight leather shorts and nipple clamps.
Spanish man el Wingo walked behind them followed by Barnet with his giant penis on a trolley.
Then came Ticklish Alan who had never looked better. He walked with a smile in his step and a boner in his pants. He was happy to be free from the clutches of Hobbit man and his evil ways.
New members of team trotter had gathered and were on the march.
Dale the healer that cured Chinese Ralton from having constant babies and the giant China man lumbered in the crowd.
There was a Northern man with a whippet who nobody could understand called Dave who had turned up trying to flog fake DVDs of the film Kes. Nobody had bought one off him so he had joined in anyway.
There was a man with giant Jack in the bean stalk legs and tiny tight shorts, a bloke with a video on his phone of a Northerner with his penis in a pump and lastly a guy with long blonde hair who has yet to play for Ongar.
Together this group made up the All New Team Trotter.
There was only one person missing however. They wanted to recruit Royston the world’s worst assassins but after his stint on stage in drag in a Soho bar he was now on a world tour performing as Tulula Tickletits!
Together this beautiful group of Spartans marched in unison with a sole purpose of saving the world.
Will they beat the evil forces of Hobbit man or will they be destroyed and will darkness descend over the green fields of Ongar?
The final chapter
The Battle of Love Lane
Team Trotter had marched all the way to Brentwood and their forces had grown. As they walked the roads from Dover people had joined their ranks from all walks of life.
There numbers swelled rapidly and they knew that they were in with a great chance of defeating Hobbit man and his evil plans for world domination.
Jeddy rode Neil Springate horse and the sun shone off his gold lycra suit as his cape flapped in the wind.
His head was full of battle plans and he dreamed of leading his army into battle.
Dave Lewis on the other hand walked rather than ode that old Springate nag. His head was awash with ideas. He knew he was born to lead and he knew he was the true leader of Team Trotter. His vast military experience of years spent chasing boy scouts qualified him to lead this army.
Was it a mistake to give Jeddy equal top billing on this adventure?
He knew that Jeddy was a worthy leader in the political arena but when it came to the battle field would be do an Aron Hardy and curl up into a foetal ball and cry.
The Team Trotter army marched on and soon they were within sight of the skyscrapers and big wheel of Ongar town.
Mark Jones pedalled as fast as he could, in his pocket the had the Rex Stone. The giver of power and true glory.
He had to get to Love Lane before it was too late and the forces of Hobbit man overwhelmed Team Trotter.
Hobbit man inspected his troops, he had quelled the Blake revolt by feeding them extra lard for breakfast. His clone army stood to attending bellies wobbling in the breeze.
He had amassed a massive army of over 20 thousand clone Michael Blake’s. He knew that this army was invincible and victory was in hand.
The only dampener on his victory would be that his one trusted right hand man Ticklish Alan would no longer be by his side.
“Ii will kill that treacherous back stabbing turncoat” shouted Hobbit man at the nearest Blake clone who simply smiled and burped in reaction.
Hobbit man knew that team trotter were going to be here very soon. He had sent out Blake clones as lookouts and they had reported a five thousand strong army marching from Brentwood. The noise of their collective footsteps filled the fields and reverberated all the way back to Ongar.
Hobbit man stood to his full height his medals sparkled in the sun and he adjusted his field Marshall’s cap. He looked resplendent for today’s battle. He had a plumed hat, gold braded shoulders tassels and a sword and belt hanging from his side.
He added to his attire some white gloves and pinned on himself a new medal with a picture of his head on it.
“This will be our victory medal” he hissed in an evil manner.
Suddenly all at once the Blake clones started to laugh and giggle.
They were now ready for battle.
Team Trotter reached Ongar and the massive columns of soldiers halted.
Jeddy went ahead and saw a twenty thousand strong army of Blake clones in front of them. He knew today was the moment when Team Trotter wrote themselves in to the history books.
Suddenly a thousand arrows lurched into the air.
“looose”, cried Hobbit man as a thousand Blake clone archers shot their wooden death sticks at Team Trotter.
People fell all around Jeddy. He looked up and saw Dave Lewis pulling an arrow out of his leg nonchalantly.
Bodies were piling up all around them and Barnet’s penis on the trolley had at least 75 arrows sticking out of it. Aaron Hardy donned a nurses hat and started to pull them out one by one and then added sudo cream to the wounds and a little get well kiss.
A second burst of arrows filled the air, the sun was momentarily shut out by the thousands of arrows.
The arrows rained down upon team trotter and more bodies fell to the ground.
“We can’t stand here and take this punishment, onwards my loves, chaaaaaarrrge”, bellowed Dave Lewis.
With that a terrifying blood curdling scream was let out and the surviving members of the Team Trotter army charged with full force at the Blake Clones.
There was a tremendous crash at thousands of bodies collided. Soon the Blake archers were overwhelmed and fists were flying and Blake clones were popping creating a machine gun of popping noises that echoed all around love Lane.
Hobbit Man watched from his command sedan chair. He had already taken out a fifth of the Team Trotter army and wounded many more.
He had 10,000 Blake clones in reserve and had sent the other 7 thousand plus 3 thousand Blake clone archers into battle already.
He sighed deeply for he knew this was going to be an easy victory.
Love Lane was a sea of blood, the green pitch was stained red and the screams of injures and dying soldiers filled the air.
Team Trotter were losing men fast.
Hobbit man sent in another thousand clone archers and they were destroying Team Trotters advance.
Things didn’t look good for Team Trotter.
The original members of team trotter re grouped inside the knowledge wagon. Sminns at the wheel Dave Blake on a roof mounted bren gun and Willingale hero man shooting udder milk out from a window.
The knowledge wagon lurched onto the battle and soon was swamped by clones rocking the bus and smashing the windows.
The knowledge wagon teetered onto two wheels and suddenly with a devastating crash and smash fell onto its side.
Jeddy rode his horse through the battle swinging a sword and popping Blake clones as he went, his face was contorted with rage and his gold lycra suit was splattered with lard and blood. He would never give up and would never let the evil Hobbit man win.
Dave Lewis charged dementedly into the fray, his spear impaling at least seven clones as once and his shield slicing through the air popping at least 20 clones all at once.
His face carried an expression of anger and rage, he was on a mission and no one would stop him.
The light faded and the battle went into darkness. Team trotter members set up fires to give illumination and Hobbit man erected two spot lights to watch the battle from his command chair.
The fighting raged throughout the night and into the light of the next morning.
As the sun rose on a chilly Ongar day the true scene of devastation could be witnessed by all.
Bodies lay strewn all over Ongar and the cries of the sounded filled the air. Popped Blake clones littered the floor, trees and surrounding countryside. The popped skins resembled fat shredded snake skins and covered the ground in lard.
Team Trotter were down to their last 300 soldiers now. Hobbit man still commanded an army of over ten thousand and things looked bad for the boys under the dual command of Dave Lewis and Jeddy.
Hobbit man sat at his command post looking through his field glasses, he adjusted his uniform in the mirror and sat down to have breakfast. He knew that it was only a matter of time before his victory was complete.
Dave Lewis was exhausted, he rad rampaged through the night and shouted at Aaron to stop touching the Blake clone intimately and fight them. He knew that he had to get out of the fray and try and out flank the Blake army and take on Hobbit Man alone.
He slipped away and hit behind the changing rooms at Love Lane, then using his stealthiest walk he managed to sneak past a column of a thousand Blake clones and disappear behind some trees. Off he set to take on Hobbit man.
Jeddy was now on foot he had abandoned his Neil horse because it was too tired and was trying to organise his last remaining troops into a battle formations.
The almost never ending line of Blake clones advanced slowly and soon Jeddy’s resistance was broken and they had to fall back.
“Form square” Jeddy hollered and the last remaining members of team trotter fell back and formed a defensive square.
They had muskets, stolen bows and arrows and any weapons they would muster or steal. Their defensive square suddenly took a full attack from the clones and their lines barely held.
“Steady, hold the line” Jeddy shouted over the noise of the advancing clones.
How long could they withstand this onslaught Jeddy thought to himself? He knew that at this rate his troops would all be decimated within the hour.
Mark Jones pedalled as fast as he could go, his pocket throbbed with the Rex Stone inside. He had to get there before at Team Trotter was smashed into a million atoms and Hobbit Man would gain world domination.
He pedalled faster and his legs became a blur and sweat appeared on his brow. His tight stone wash 80s jeans began to chaff but he put that to the back of his mind. “I am coming” he shouted to himself.
Dave Lewis had managed to get to within a stone’s throw of Hobbit man’s tent. He could see him looking at the battle through his binoculars. All Dave Lewis needed to do was sneak up from behind and spear him. Then all the Blake clones would instantly pop when their master was defeated.
He needed to get close and needed a disguise.
He hid behind a tree and waited for a clone to walk past. As the clone stepped within a foot of his hiding place Dave reached out and grabbed the clone, he pulled him behind the tree and popped him with his spear. Grabbing the flappy rubbery skin he pulled it over his head. He didn’t look to much like a Blake clone but the disguise would have to go. He quickly padded out the Blake skin with some conveniently located pillows and adjusted how he looked in his special hidden compact vanity mirror that he never let anyone know that he always carried.
He looked feasible as a clone so stepped out from his hiding place an walked slowly towards Hobbit man.
He walked up to a table of food and picked up a tray and carried it in one hand like a waiter towards Hobbit Man.
He was so close now.
“Your food Hobbit man”, Lewis said.
Hobbit man looked up from his field glasses and saw this odd pillow filled Blake clone standing next to him.
His eyes narrowed and in a flash he jumped up and drew his sword.
Dave Lewis in an instant pulled off his disguise and pulled out his spear.
Sword and spear circled each other like caged gladiators. Both looking intently into each other’s eyes.
This would be a fight to the death.
“Leave him to me clones”, sneered Hobbit man.
The Blake clones all backed off and watched as both spear and sword glinted in the sun light.
Back on the battle field.
Tea Trotter were being destroyed, they were down to their last remaining members as all their new followers had fallen in the battle.
Each member apart from Aaron had battled hard and given it their all. Sminns had torn his tweed and was most unhappy.
Jeddy knew they were doomed but he wanted to die fighting, to die for something that mattered to him.
His gold lycra suit was torn open revealing his concave pigeon chest. On that chest was a small indentation that he had had as a child. Never before had he realise just what glory that indentation could hold.
Jeddy was just about to signal one last charge, a charge of death like the British at the Battle of Balaclava against the Russian guns. A hopeless task.
Suddenly he heard a bell ringing, he looked up and saw an 80s denim glad balding man on a Raleigh chopper bike appearing ringing a bell on his handle bars.
“Who the devil is that”, Jeddy shouted out loud.
The bike somehow penetrated the Blake clones and sped up to them. Mark Jones busted out a wheelie and brought the bike to a stop in front of Jeddy.
“Who the devil are you”, Jeddy shouted at Mark Jones.
Mark Jones reached into his pocket and pulled out the glinting Rex Stone, its ginger light illuminated all around.
“I have seen that stone before”, Jeddy said.
Suddenly it all came back to him, his life on another planet and his child hood trip to Earth.
Before he could utter another word Mark Jones placed the stone inside Jeddys chest cavity and suddenly a giant ginger lights illuminated the entire town of Ongar.
There was a flash and a huge bang.
The dust settled and Jeddy stood ten feet tall bulging with muscle and a trotter the size of a sparrow.
“Behold the Jeddasaurus Rex”, shouted Mark Jones.
He looked at the remaining Blake clones and suddenly from his eyes a piercing ginger beam of light shot out and popped every single clone in the land.
The collecting bang from the popping noise filled the air and made every one jump.
There were no more clones and Team Trotter had won the day. They each looked at each other and then up at the giant Jeddy.
Mark Jones mounted his bike and peddled off into the distance, he had to get to the over 50s disco before the night was out.
Jeddy looked at team trotter and in the purest of voices said. “Hobbit man is mine”. He then set off galloping like a horse into the distance towards Hobbit man’s command tent.
Dave Lewis and Hobbit man smashed sword against shield. Their fight was a stalemate as each blow was countered by a defensive one.
Suddenly a large ginger bright light appeared and then a giant collective bang. The bang was so loud that both Lewis and Hobbit man fell over onto the ground.
The dust settled and Hobbit man looked up. All his clones had popped, he was army-less and on his own.
For the first time in his life he felt defeated and alone.
Dave Lewis looked up and saw the same sight, his heart was filled with joy and he raised his spear.
“Time for you to die Hobbit man”, he said in a low deep menacing voice.
He raised his spear and was about to plunge it through Hobbit man’s chest when a ginger flash appeared and grabbed the spear from Lewis’ hand.
“No Dave, Hobbit man is mine”. Jeddy boomed.
Lewis looked up and saw this giant Jeddy with a ginger stone glinting in his chest.
“No he is mine”, shouted Lewis and with that charged at Jeddy. Both of them hit each other with such force that it sounded like a crap of thunder.
They punched and pummelled each other.
“I should have never let you take the lead from a political perspective”, Lewis shouted.
“I am the true leader and you know it”, Jeddy boomed back.
They reigned blows down on each other repeatedly.
Hobbit man stood there looking confused, what was going on. His two most feared adversaries were fighting each other. How had things come to this.
Just then Hobbit man felt a sharp pain in his back and a warm feeling running down to his legs.
He looked down and saw the end of Dave Lewis’s spear poking out of his chest. He turned and staggered and saw ticklish Alan standing there smiling.
Ticklish Alan had picked up Dave Lewis’ spear and had stabbed Hobbit man from behind.
Hobbit man fell to his knees as the blood pooled around him.
“No he was mine”, shouted Lewis and Jeddy in unison.
They ruched over and Lewis cradled the dying Hobbit man in his arms.
Hobbit man tried to talk, his voice was a gurgling low rasp and it came within gasps for air.
“What are you trying to tell me”, Lewis said.
Suddenly a green glow emitted from Hobbits man’s mouth.
The evil was leaving him.
It seeped out of him in the form of a green mist.
“Stand back otherwise it will enter you and you will become evil”, shouted Ticklish Alan.
Ticklish Alan looked down at his blood stained hands and started to cry.
“I am sorry”, he wept.
Jeddy as the Jeddasaurus Rex was impervious to the green mist but Dave Lewis was not.
The mist latched onto him and surrounded him. It entered his nose and Dave started to stagger.
“He has become evil”, Ticklish Alan yelled.
Dave Lewis opened his eyes and they were darker than usual, his stare more penetrating and his soul was corrupted by evil.
“Noooooooooo”, boomed Jeddy.
But it was too late Dave Lewis was now evil and he ran off into the distance.
Ongar and the world had been saved by Team Trotter and Jeddy becoming the Jeeddauaruas Rex but next time will they have to fight an even stronger villain.
Will Dave Lewis be able to control the evil or will it corrupt him? Only time will tell.
The Team Trotter members looked at the scene of devastation surrounding them.
They each decided to go home.
Jeddy took out the stone of Rex and put it in his pocket. He shrunk down to normal size when he did so.
Aaron was still black, gay and disabled walked home.
He opened the front door and walked in. There was a letter from the vets saying that please could be return and pick up Mad Matt who he dropped off their in episode 1.
Aaron was hungry and went to the larder, he opened the door and jumped at what he saw.
There sitting on the floor eating ice cream was Michel Blake.
“Did I miss anything”, he slurped between spoonfulls.
Team Trotter will return in a new set of adventures.
Tune in next time.