Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Ongar Rugby Football Club match reports 2011-12


Ongar Rugby Football Club 2011/12 season match reports

Bancroft RFC 15-42 Ongar RFC.
Tries: Whateley-Harris, Brownwings (2), Smith, Hardy, Franklin
Conversions: Hardy (6)

Ongar overcome a Bancroft XV on a hot September Saturday in their first game of the 2011/12 season.
Bancroft took an early lead scoring a breakaway try after weathering an Ongar storm in their 22. Ongar replied soon after with Ben Whateley-Harris crossing the line after a fine run from Dave Blake.
Jon Brownwings added another under the posts shortly after, before Bancroft managed to break Ongar's defence to bring the game closer.
The game turned on its head soon after with Bancroft taking a 1 point lead by touching down their third try after a bouncing ball flummoxed the Ongar back line.
This defensive lapse gave the O's the shot in the arm they needed as Jack Smith scored to take Ongar into the second half leading the game.
Bancroft endured a tough second half where Ongar's summer fitness showed as they ran in 3 more tries in the second half without reply.
Dave Blake ran 60 yards down the field before popping a pass unselfishly to Aaron Hardy to score under the posts.

Jon Brownwings added another score to take his tally to two before being adjudged wrongfully to have been held up and missing out on a hat trick and buying a jug for the team.
With Ongar leading 35-15 there was just enough time for Simon Franklin to use his blistering pace to break the Bancroft defence and score under the posts.
Aaron Hardy easily converted to kick a 100% record for the game and score a personal tally of 17 points.
Team captain Ian Springate said' "I was proud of our display today, it is always good to start the season with a win and start my captaincy on a high".
Bancroft's gave Ongar a good, entertaining game and the perfect way to spend a Saturday; and with 18 players turning out everyone got a run out even 48 year old Royston Manning who has finally been allowed to play by his doctors.
With confidence running high in the Ongar camp, the Passmores game cannot come too soon!








Ongar 7-24 Passmores
Try: Brownwings
Con: Hardy
10/9/11


A strong, young and well drilled Passmores side overcame a resilient Ongar team where the score line slightly flattered the visitors.
The friendly game at Love Lane was played uncontested and therefore took away Ongar’s main threat against the opposition. With the pack neutralised in many aspects it gave Passmores an opportunity to run the ball more.
If the game had been played contested; which is what Ongar wanted then the score line would have been different.
Passmores took the lead when their flanker broke a tackle to score under the posts with the fly half converting after.
Just before half time Jon Brownwings copied Ben Youngs’ England try and took the ball from the back of a scrum to beat two tackles and put down under the posts for his third try in two games.
Aaron Hardy slotted home the conversion to put two more points to his season tally of 19 so far.
The second half was even more physical with tackles flying in and the odd headbutt thrown in for good measure.
At times the game became scrappy and Ongar conceded 3 tries with only one being converted in the second half.
Ongar never gave up and fought for every ball, tooth and nail.
The final score line was not reflective of how Ongar played; the tries being conceded could have been avoided and the game would have been different if the scrums would have been contested.
At the end of the day Ongar can hold their heads high after a brave performance against a team a division above who only lost three games all of last season. We learnt a lot from this game as a team and as individuals.
The team spirit is still high after the game and what doesn’t break us makes us stronger.
On field Captain Jon Brownwings said’ “We dug deep as a team and even though we lost we came off the pitch with pride with our heads held high”.
Ben ‘Melman’ Timmons was named man of the match for his energy and tackles on the wing; just beating Dale Jackson to the award. A solid debut from Jack ‘Redwood’ Burton was another high light.
Dick of the match went to Ben Whateley-Harris for his strange outburst after being head-butted; but he wasn’t the only one leaving the pitch with a shiner.







Southend 54 – 12 Ongar
17/9/11
T- Dave Blake, Matt ‘Biggerman’ Adcock
C- Aaron Hardy

Ongar’s trip to the seaside was marred by terrible traffic, players just making the game on time and some dubious substitutions from the Southend team.
It wasn’t to be Ongar’s day when Southend started brightly and ran in two tries before Ongar could even get their heads into the game.
With Ongar trailing they started to realise that they were on the pitch and eventually managed to get back into the match. Dave Blake scored under the posts with Aaron Hardy converting before Matt ‘Biggerman’ Adcock was on the end of some good passing from Ongar’s backs and Andy Surrage playing at 9.
At half time Ongar were down but not out, they were getting closer to their potential until the second half started and what looked like a new Southend team re-emerged on to the pitch.
The rest of the match doesn’t really need writing about; Southend made loads of changes and almost changed their entire team. We had 3 brand new debut subs and were tired out.
The final score will not reflect the score to come when we have them at home and they cannot bring on a new bus load of players.
The match was marred by missed tackles, poor tackles and lack of tackles from Ongar. Something that will be remedies at training.
But on a brighter note Michael Blake played a whole ten seconds at scrum half and would like a special mention for it.

Ongar 7 – 26 Upminster
Try: Springate
Con: Hardy


This was not a pretty game or even a good one by Ongar standards. Mistakes, missed tackles, lack of cohesion and Biggerman’s little hissy fit marred the day.
There is no excuse for the result of this game; I cannot even write how Ongar fought gallantly and lost by counterattacking stylist play. It was plain and simply a poor show by all involved.
Upminster took control of Ongar’s lineouts and punished us by running in more than we could ever have imagine in that game.
It all started so brightly for Ongar. Our new stylist kits had arrived and we walked out into the September sun feeling proud to have them on. But alas the Upminster kit was the same colour so we had to turn them inside out on their maiden outing.
The only good points from the match were that Captain Ian Springate choppered himself over the line to score a consolation try with Aaron Hardy converting and making up for his atrocious between the posts miss the week prior.
All in all a game to forget and some valuable learning points for training were painfully highlighted.
Next up is Rochford at home; let’s hope that hard work on Tuesdays and Thursdays can get Ongar’s season back on track and improve Captain Barnet’s 25% win record.

Ongar 66 – 10 Rochford 4s
Trys: James Nott, Pete Hovell (2), Ian Springate, Aaron Hardy (3), Simon Franklin, Nick Cronjaeger, and another
Cons: Aaron Hardy (8)


1st October 2011
Ongar returned to winning ways in resounding fashion. Brushing aside recent performances and putting behind them a run of three straight defeats.
Ongar showed their early intend; going over comfortably and dominating the game from the beginning.
Captain Ian Springate started the onslaught after he ‘choppered’ his way over the line. The flood gates soon opened and even though Rochford scored two tries in the second half and had a good 5 minutes they were soon on the back foot again as the Ongar team took the plaudits.
Ongar put to bed their recent problems of miss tackles and lack of cohesion with a full throttle performance and some great interlinking team play. “A tour de force performance”, said coach John Mimms.
“It’s great to get the first league win under our belts and we look forward to Witham. I am so excited I am shaking”, said Captain Springate.
The try scoring order is a little hazy as they came flooding in and there is no correct record.
However the try scorers in the game were:
James Nott, Pete Hovell (2), Ian Springate, Aaron Hardy (3), Simon Franklin, Nick Cronjaeger, and another try that we cannot remember who scored it but will add it when we remember.
The match will be remembered for Nick Cronjaeger scored his first try in an Ongar shirt. Aaron Hardy scored a memorable hat trick and converted 8 out of the ten conversions he took to lead the points ladder this season.
But the game will be mostly remembered for Jack Smith injuring himself before kick off by being stung in a rather delicate area by a little wasp. Jon Wing’s had to step into the fly half role minutes before the game was due to kick off.
Bring on Witham next week.


Billericay 7-12 Ongar Vets/2nd XV
15/10/2011
Try: Franklin, Riley
Con: R. Jones

Ongar fielded a veteran’s combination team against Billericay and it soon became the Daniel Riley show.
Veterans captain Richard Jones fielded a few youngsters because of the lack of older generation available. Some reported for duty while others were stuck in their care homes or hadn’t received their hip replacements in time to play.
Billericay started off brightly but Ongar fought their way back into the game and never looked back after Simon Franklin had come off the bench to score with almost his first touch after good work from Liam Brandrith back from his stint in the Stag.
Captain Jones converted with ease and showed his brother just what working knees can do!
Billericay pulled back a converted try but that was all they had in their arsenal and had seemingly used up their reserves.
The match was not without controversy though. Second row Jeff Blake was sin binned for stamping on an opposition player thus leaving the O’s with a numerical disadvantage.
The score was level at this point and the stage was set for a hero to be born.
That hero soon rose his ginger head and saved the day for Ongar and by doing so writing himself into ORFC folklore.
Daniel Riley strutted onto the pitch, cocksure and gun-ho, raring to go. He had a look in his eye of power and gave off the aura of a superstar. The stage was set; and so began the Jedward show!
A high kick was lofted into the Ongar 22. Before the onward rushing Billericay backs Daniel Riley took the ball from the air and immediately set off blistering his way through the closest opposition.
The crowd gasped as he handed off 4 players effortlessly with one palm, sending them over like dominoes.
The full back charged him down before a deft little chip over his head bamboozled him as Dan Riley sped past. Incredibly he managed to catch his own kick beat the winger for pace and swan dive over the line to score the most sublime try the world has ever seen. If not the most sublime thing that has ever happened in the history of mankind.
If that wasn’t enough he celebrated by performing a double backflip followed by a triple salko and a beautiful moonwalk.
Sadly the conversion was missed and Jeddy was soon unconscious on the sidelines.
Captain Richard Jones said: “It was great to see the old boys put down their walking sticks for the day and run about”.
Chief medical advisor Keith Wood said: “I was almost moved to tears when Jeddy scored that try, it was pure art work. It reminded me of a Picasso or the works of Dali”.











Ongar 62- 0 Writtle.
Try: Whateley-Harris(3), Franklin(2), Smith(2), Hovell, Adcock, Riley
Cons: Hardy (6/10)

Ongar ran in ten tries without reply against a Writtle team who were not as bad as the score line suggested and rather flattered the home team.
From the off Writtle’s forwards fronted up to the Ongar pack and were quite formidable in the scrum with their power and drive. They showed that they were not just here for a run about and soon had the Ongar scrum reeling.
Ongar didn’t play to their strengths and many fumbles, knock ons and bad scrums later they finally got themselves on the score sheet.
Writtle were however were soon tiring and the Ongar backs used this to good advantage. Birthday boy Ben Whateley-Harris ran in the first early on; opening the floodgates to an onslaught of powerful and fast running tries.
For periods of the game Writtle had Ongar pinned in their 22 but were unable no matter what they threw at Ongar to penetrate their solid defence. Whether it was luck, stern defence or shear brilliance; somehow Ongar kept a clean sheet no matter what Writtle bombarded Ongar with.
Jack Smith, Simon Franklin and Pete Hovell ran in good first half tries with Aaron Hardy converting 3 of his 4 first half attempts.
The second half started off very much the same. Ongar were scrappy and were pinned down by Writtle until a breakaway try changed the game with Ongar never looking back after.
Matt Adcock ran in early in the second half which opened the floodgates.

Soon Jack Smith scored his second, Simon Franklin broke the defensive line to get his 6th of the season and Ben Whateley-Harris completed his first hat trick for 2 years in an Ongar shirt.
With Ongar firmly in the lead there was still time for a little bit of Jeddy brilliance. Daniel Riley came off the bench fresh from his stint in a Buddhist retreat and with his first touch scored his first league try for ORFC. Simon Franklin broke the line before popping out wide to an onrushing Jedward who silkily crossed the line before putting the ball down to the delight of the crowd. The capacity crowd of 28,000 all rose to their feet in jubilation. The scenes were something reminiscent of when England won the world cup and probably what the streets of Auckland look like now.
The players all ran to congratulate their newly crowned hero and bask in his brilliance.
Aaron Hardy converted to take 6 from 10 and put Ongar’s points tally at 62.
There were many positives to take from the game. Ongar showed good running backs work in open play; many players backed themselves and played with wanton abandon when running at the opposition and the confidence levels took a good boosting.
Next week Chelmsford away will be an altogether story; let’s hope Ongar can minimalize their mistakes and carry on with the good attacking play where they left off.




Chelmsford 22-21 Ongar.
Try: D. Blake (2), Whateley-Harris
Con: Browning (3)

Ongar travelled to Chelmsford on a sunny and crisp Saturday. The weather was fine, the air sharp and the sun was high; It certainly didn’t feel like late October.
This match will be remembered for two reasons; the referee and some of his bizarre, ridiculous and made up decisions and Sam Minns losing his temper and using some rude words to the utter astonishment of the team.
Ongar were out early, warming up in the sun. It is a strange occurrence and used to be a thing of utter mystery to see an Ongar team out before the opposition, but lately with the new team spirit and will to win we have been out in force.
Mark Jones decided to hold the tackle bags and soon was on his bottom in the dirt; he gingerly limped off to lick his wounds and the rumour mill has it that he has a bruised posterior so when he sits at his computer wedding planning he has to use a rubber ring!
The game started with Ongar coming out the blocks brightly. For a long while the first half was played in Chelmsford’s 22. Alas Chelmsford managed to score a breakaway try and convert it to end the half with a catchable 7 point lead.
The second half was action packed and full of incidents two of which involved Keith Wood moaning at the referee and confronting a Chelmsford player.
Dave Blake scored a powerful try breaking two tackles to put the ball down under the posts to allow an easy conversion for Jon Browning to slot home. But Chelmsford fought their way back and managed to score two more trys after some shoddy tackling; luckily for us both conversions sailed wide.

Ongar never let their heads drop and fought back into the game. Dave Blake scored again after another trademark run with Jon Browning converting.
The game was tight and Ongar should have scored again. Two attempts were pinged by the referee for offside and playing the ball before the mark respectively. If decisions had been different Ongar would have lead convincingly. Jack Smith being involved in all the moves and to his credit played on injured after another incident with a wasp sting. This time the wasp stung his leg during the game.
Ongar threw themselves body and soul at Chelmsford. Simon Franklin, matt adcock and Alan Elvin all having runs that were halted just before the line.
The pack angered by some of the referees decisions powered through the Chelmsford scrum and many times roared like lions. With Chelmsford on the ropes for long periods of the half things were looking up for the O’s. Martin Buckley put in some amazing tackles and never seemed to tyre while Dale Jackson was his usual marauding vociferous self at second row.
Chelmsford being the home team were quite ‘liberal’ with their substitutes and soon they seemed to have a plethora of props on the side-lines who came on. Not that I am suggesting they used 3rd team players or managed to muster up any other people from the other matches; I would never suggest anything like that. I merely think that Chelmsford have a Pandora’s box and they can open it to produce another player whenever they like. I wonder how much one of those boxes cost? This action resulted in Sam Minns saying “what another one”, when yet another prop appeared on the pitch.That is my substitution bitch out of the way; so back to the game.

Ongar were throwing more and more at Chelmsford but couldn’t break them down. The South African referee didn’t help either. Some of his decisions were on the bizarre side. He soon became great friends with Michael Blake. Blakey rather than inviting him for tea and scones round his used a lovely selection of sailors English when describing the referees actions and decisions. john berry even politely pointed out to the referee that this or that had actually happened and was penalised and thus we retreated back ten.

With the referee watching a game that was going on in his head Ongar fought their way back into the match. A sublime little kick from Scrum Half Jon Browning floated over the Chelmsford wingers head. Ben Whateley-Harris chased it up and the bounce landed just over the wingers head and headed straight back into the Ongar player’s arms. He handed off the winger before accelerating past the full back who tried in vain to dive at his feet before putting the ball down in between the posts. Then almost had a confrontation with the oncoming Chelmsford defence! Jon Browning converted with easy and a modicum of effort.

With this score Ongar were back in the game. They pushed and pushed looking for a weakness. Unfortunately Chelmsford scored late on and sealed a win for the home side.

The final whistle sounded and as Andy Surrage said “Ongar has nothing to be ashamed
of today, each one of you played well and I am proud of you all”.

Ongar may have lost, but they lost to a bigger club with more players and can say they played well and can be proud. They never gave up, no one’s head dropped and Captain Ian Springate said “We gave it our all and came away more experienced as a team and with a stronger appetite for the next game”.

The only downside of the game was that Daniel Riley was away working for Médecins Sans Frontières in the Sudan as a translator and heart surgeon. If he had been available for selection then he may well have just been able to summon up enough power from his repertoire of amazing tricks to produced another match winning performance. Alas he was saving the life of a child by performing open heart surgery using only a staple and some shoe laces. That’s just how he rolls.

Top scorer Aaron Hardy was also away this week. He volunteers at a cat sanctuary and little Mr. Mittens his favourite cat was ill so he had to nurse him through the night. Sadly Mr. Mittens past away in the early hours of the morning and Aaron was too inconsolable to play. Our thoughts are with you Aaron, may Mr. Mittens rest in peace.

In Mr. Mittens honour this game was dedicated to him, for the world has lost a great destroyer of furniture.






Ilford XV 51 – 31 Ongar XV
5/11/11
Try: Adcock, Springate, Berry, Ilford loanee, Whateley-Harris
Cons: Berry(3)

The weather was dull and overcast with a shrill wind in the air when Ongar journeyed across to Ilford. From the off the day was riddled with bad news. We started with a complete squad before kick-off; but players dropped off with injuries and work commitments via text before we had even left Love Lane.

We arrived at Ilford’s ground which had beautiful views of the central line. Someone was having a bonfire in the nearby allotments and the smoke was enveloping the adjacent pitches but luckily not the rugby pitch. The footballers on the opposite field were running around coughing and spluttering in the smoke. It resembled a scene from a post-apocalyptic film. All we needed was for Jeddy to emerge from the smoke holding a small child in his muscular arms which he had just saved from a hoard of roaming zombies; oh he is so masculine!
The wind direction and smoke billowing across the football pitch just goes to show that God is a rugby fan!
Ilford were very good to us and throughout the game loaned us three players. Their names were Paul, George and Jason. As I do not have their surnames we have given them historical ones and a lovely backstory each.
Paul I of Russia was the Emperor of the Russia Empire between 1796 and 1801. He also was the 72nd Prince and Grand Master of the Order of Malta. He played rather well and it was such a shame that in 1801 he was assassinated by a group of dismissed and drunk officers who stormed his bedroom and after he refused to sign an abdication document they trampled him to death after swinging a sword at him.
George also had a good game for the Os. Surprising seeing that he was a rather camp pink Hippopotamus who used to be on Children’s television. Before the game he said that he hated his co- star Zippy because he was too brash and loud and that Bungle and Geoffrey used to abuse him live on air. Since the shows cancellation George has dedicated his life to performing street dance in the Ilford exchange shopping centre.
The last player Ilford lent us Was Jason. Jason Biggs will be familiar to cinematic audiences for his role playing Jim Levenstein in the American Pie series of teen comedy films. His famous scenes will be remembered for gluing his hand to his trotter and also his father in the films played by Eugene Levy. Since the American Pie films have dried up his film roles have come few and far between. Therefore he ended up in Ilford this overcast Saturday.
There first and second teams were not playing today so they had a plethora of players on their side-lines available. I would have a rant and say that they changed their team like Chelmsford and Southend before them, but in truth it was only a friendly and it gave us a better game than if we were to have just played the team we were fixture against.
Although it is hard to maintain a lead when limitless substitutes are used from the side-lines.
The Os got off to a good start. The scrum powered through Ilford with ease and John Berry at scrum half gave Richard Jones at ten quite a few ‘acrobatic’ balls for him to deal with.
Richard Jones played well at ten. His long flowing blonde locks and beard making him look like a windswept Aslan from Narnia. Every time he touched the ball you could hear his growl.
The entire Ongar team were made up from characters from C.S.Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia. Jeddy resembles Mr. Tumnus with his Faun like running and immovable arms. Matt Adcock resembles the mouse Reepicheep because he is just so strapping, hefty and monster and lastly Tom Bristow is so far in the closet that he actually lives in Narnia.
An early break enabled Matthew ‘Biggerman’ Adcock to show the world just how colossal and mammoth he is when he crossed the line.
Ben Whateley-Harris popped the ball out of a tackle to the onrushing Captain Ian Springate who managed to hold off the challenge and outstretch an arm to put the ball over the line. Try number 2 of the game.
The third try came straight out of the text book, the scrum powered forward and with the ball at the number eight’s feet, John Berry picked it up and pounced across the line like a tiger on heat.
There was just time for one of the Ilford players to score for us before half time too. I don’t know which one it was. Was it George, Jason or Paul? I have no idea, anyway one of them touched down to give John Berry an easy conversion.
There were also some Ilford tries in that half, but I do not remember how many or really care. At half time Ongar were leading and playing well for a hotchpotch team with players all out of position.

The second half was a different story. Ilford made a few subs and when I say a few I mean almost the entire team, but I am not going to rant about that as we had Jeddy and miracles are possible when he plays.
Ilford ran in a few tries and the game soon was turned on its head. There was however just enough time for Dave Lewis to shout ‘Sparrrrrtttaaaa’ a few times and Ben Whateley-Harris playing at inside centre to pick up a popped pass from Sam Minns and run half of the pitch evading tackles to put down between the posts. Then to be taken out a good two seconds after the ball had been grounded and he had stood up.
Liam Brandwith made a try saving tackle to garner a loud cheer from the Ongar faithful, but then decided to slide tackle the same player later in the game.
That was Ongar’s last points of the game. John Berry converted 3 of the 5 kicks at the posts.
There was not too much else to type about with this game. Michael Blake was pinged for lazy running; ironic really when that is him at full flow and there were a few people away: Aaron Hardy is still devastated by the loss of Mr. Mittens, Jack Smith was away undertaking anti-allergy tests at a wasp laboratory and Jon Browning is in Spain torturing Donkeys and painting himself with Paella and orange sangria. Lastly Neil Springate was away because he was at Chester Zoo bothering the Llamas.
A special mention must be made to Tom Bristow who has shrugged off an injury caused by having a rather large object fall on him repeatedly. Pelvic crushing injuries can be very bad; luckily Tom is back on his feet after a couple of weeks convalescing.

Finally it is good to see a load of players joining in with Movember. A great cause that raises money and awareness to men’s health issues such as prostate cancer. Michael Blake started to grow his moustache 7 years ago,; while Sam Minns is looking more like his Dad with his facial effort.



Ongar 6 – 24 Southend
12/11/11
Pens: Hardy(2)

The two teams fell silent and linked arms in remembrance and respect for all those who have fallen in the many conflicts the world has seen.
Maybe it was this sobering experience that affected the game; but for whatever reason Ongar were never really in with a shout of winning it.
Ongar had built on a few good performances recently, alas this week’s encounter would put them back a step and dent their league chances.
Southend started brightly and although they lacked cohesion and catching ability in the backs Ongar did not use this to good advantage. Every time the O’s put a high ball over for the speedy players to chase they only just managed to clear the ball out before the onrushing O’s players had made them pay.
As we look back Ongar didn’t use their backs an awful lot, we should have shipped the ball out wide and used the plethora of pace we had. Sadly the game became bogged down in the forwards and was laden with mistakes and scrappy play.

For a long period the score was level with nothing on the board and the match didn’t flow. The game seemed to lollop from ruck to scrum to mall to lineout to about 6 scrums all in a row. There never seemed to be any ebb and flow.

The rest of the game isn’t really worth writing about. Southend got 24 points and we managed a measly 6 from two Aaron Hardy penalties.
Southend were not happy about the way I described their use of numerous substitutes in the last encounter with Ongar. One player pointed it out to Michael Blake that they did not use that many. Even though they used loads and loads; I will avoid further confrontation and pay homage to one of their tries. It was almost Jeddy-awesome.
One of the Southend players stood with his hair flowing in the breeze, his eyes focussed on the job at hand. The ball was kicked over and he caught it one handed without looking while also smoking a pipe. He then set off at a blistering speed in his spandex before smashing his mighty hammer through the Ongar back line before shouting “Asgard” at the top of his voice. Oh, sorry I got confused with the film Thor; easily done I suppose.
Well in the end I can only describe it as a Nordic god of a try but still not on the Jeddyesque magnitude of awesomeness and bewilderment. I hope Southend are happy with their portrayal in this week’s report?
Ongar were missing a couple of players this week. Dave Blake sat on the side-lines because he has broken a finger milking a goat and Dave Lewis was locked in a cupboard by his wife and was not allowed out to play.
More excuses flowed in to why people were not available. Pete Hovell was off eating concrete slabs and the Captain Ian Springate had forsaken his beloved team mates to go to Skegness for a weekend of dressing up as the Indian from the Village people. I kid you not this is actually true.
Ongar therefore played with a re jigged backline and had to do even more rejigging when James Nott had to go off to Hospital as his Mr. Potatoe head stick on ear popped off yet again in a match, even though he is wearing a Danny Ciprianiesque scrum cap.

A special mention must be made regarding Aaron Hardy. At training he shouted “who has got my socks, own up who has got them”, he then proceeded to search vigorously for them everywhere before suddenly stopping. He was wearing them all along!


Thurrock 23 – 12 Ongar
19/11/2011
Try: Franklin, Springate
Con: Browning

Ongar ended their encounter against Thurrock feeling cheated, sickened and angered. Leading at half time and with the game flowing in the right direction, the O’s soon had the game turned on its head by some very dubious and downright wrong decisions.
Therefore because of the anger after the game all quotes in this report with have words substituted in place of the actual fruitier ones used by the person(s) in question.
Having not played in this game it is harder to write about it as you are using second hand information. But with so many heated descriptions and very animated recreations I feel like I was there somehow.
All that can be said on a positive note is that Simon Franklin and Ian Springate scored a try apiece with Jon Browning converting the latter.
The first try came from a Jon Browning box kick which Simon Franklin picked up and popped it to Captain Springate for him to cross the line. It all seemed to be going well for the O’s.
The second try came from a scrum, where scrum half Browning passed to ten Jack Smith who when looped with Browning before Simon Franklin used his blistering speed to cross the line. Browning duly converting.
With the game looking like it may go Ongar’s way the referee decided that this would not be the case. Before the game apparently 3 referees had dropped out. So Thurrock managed to get a ref from some obscure locker in their clubhouse. Out waddled some guy who was a Thurrock player; of course being a Thurrock player and refereeing a league game that made him unbiased to a almost holy level.
I would like to quote Michael Blake at this point; but alas the language used would make a priest die of shock.
Instead I will list a few of the dubious and downright ridiculously biased and game stopping decisions that the so called referee made:
• Jon Browning got penalised for not rolling away from a tackle when he was standing on his feet.
• Matt Adcock apparently knocked on after Simon Franklin had run the length of the pitch and passed to him. The ball went clearly backwards. But for a referee waddling some 30 to 40 yards behind and panting to keep up with play it was simply easier to get the ball back to where he was for a scrum.
• Anything Pete Hovell did the referee hated him for it and he got penalised. Whether it be; breathing, touching, dancing or looking into the horizon and breaking into songs from the musical Oklahoma.

I could go on and on but the poor chap if he ever read this (that’s of he can read) will have a heart attack). Alan Elvin came off the pitch with a black eye, Neil Springate lasted 5 minutes before announcing that he is having a baby and Dale Jackson twisted his knee quite badly.

Aaron Hardy turned up late to the game as he was attending Mr. Mitten’s funeral and Dave Blake came on, broken fingers strapped up and got a knock on the bonce where he lost all memory of the match.

Club coach John Minns was incensed at some of the decisions that the referee had made. He was most annoyed and looked even more angry as when he did after he discovered a naked Jeddy in his car boot!

To sum up the day I will quote from the sidelines. Penny Blake said (with substituted words for the naughty ones) ‘ I have never seen such a biased ‘coconut’ of a referee in all my ‘fornicating’ life, what a complete ‘baboon’; he blatantly cheated and probably does not have a ‘private function’.


Old Brentwood 15 – 45 Ongar
Try: Whateley-Harris, Riley, Smith, Surridge, Adcock, Franklin, Army Matt
Cons: Browning (4), Smith

It was supposed to be a veteran’s game. Vets captain Richard Jones sent emails, texts and carrier pigeons out to the far flung reaches of Essex to gather players. Unfortunately most were not allowed out from their care homes so we were very veteran light.
Therefore the game became a mixture of first team players and a handful of veterans.
It was good to see returning faces from years gone by turn up. Ashley Stern was allowed out of his nursing home and had a stint at full back. Barry Knight sporting a huge sex offender moustache even dusted his knees off for their annual outing.
The game started brightly and the Ongar scrum showed their power and technique by creating a few breakaways. Early on scrum half Nick Cronjaeger managed to run with his massive head down the park before passing to blindside Flanker for the day Ben Whateley-Harris to open the scoring. Jon Browning duly converted with a modicum of effort.
Simon Franklin used his blistering speed to good effect. He would somehow manage to blitz his way through a storm of bodies. After scoring though he did what has become known as a ‘village incident’. Where he suddenly thinks he is made of glass and breaks himself. On this occasion it wasn’t one of his knees but it was his head. He ran head first into one of the Old Brentwood players and a head on head collision soon followed.
The other player had blood gushing from his eye brow, but he was ok. Simon on the other hand saw the sight of blood and fearing that there could be vampires about he went off the pitch and bandaged his head up like he had been through a lobotomy. Later on his Mumsy sent him to hospital to have his head glued back on!
Good work from John Berry created chances for Jack Smith. Jack was having a good game and scored with a almost beautiful swan dives under the posts.
Old Brentwood’s gave good strong, solid and respectful opposition. Apart from one incident where one of their players kicked out at Jack in front of everyone and then denied it, the game was played without incident. Even Matt Adcock didn’t have a temper tantrum in the game.
The game was played in high winds and a biting cold. Suddenly the clouds parted and a bright ray of sunshine enveloped the pitch. The winds died down and you could hear the music of harps and the voices of a all-male choir. The scene was set for the Jedward show!
Daniel Riley launched himself into a tackle and left the Old Brentwood’s player on the floor converted to gingerism. He then suddenly took off with the ball at a majestic speed, his golden locks twinkling in the sunshine. He crossed the line and just as he placed the ball down for the try you could hear God applauding and someone realised a white dove over the pitch. Tears filled our eyes and our hearts grew warm with love and admiration.
Later on when Coach John Minns turned up he praised Jeddy for his manliness and uber good looks.
Ongar also gave a debut to Army Matt. He can only be described as a clone of Pete Hovell. He made some epic tackles and score a great try to boot. He said he will play for us whenever he can Army permitting and we wish him all the best of luck for his safe return when he goes back to Afghanistan early next year.
There was just enough time in the game for Matt Adcock to breakout from full back and score a lovely little try and Andy Surridge to wriggle over the line to add to the tally.
Old Brentwood’s gave a much harder performance in the second half, but Ongar lost some of their potency as the game went to uncontested scrums for a large part of the second half due to injuries in the Old Brentwood front row.
Old Brentwood’s even brought on a former Ongar player, Anthony Tinytears waddled onto the pitch wearing a child’s t shirt that had been sprayed onto him. This was the cue for Dave Blake to enter the fray.
The game was won, drinks were downed, songs were sang and Richard Jones lost his car keys. All in all apart from Richard it was a good day and a game that welcomed back older players into the melee that is Ongar rugby.
In the evening a load of players went to a comedy night at Jack’s community club and were picked on. Ben Whateley-Harris got abuse for his nose and moustache along with Sam Minns, Tom Bristow was just pointed at and laughed (he must have known about the beast) and Jon Browning was called posh. We also discovered that according to the comedian Michael Blake is just using Lucie Vaz, the naughty boy!


Rochford 12- 57 Ongar
3rd December 2011
Trys: Franklin (4), Elvin (2), Smith, Hardy, Mad Matt
Cons: Hardy (6)

Ongar journey over to Rochford on a blustery Saturday morning. A December chill was in the air and many cars suspension were ruined on the potholed track down to Rochford’s ground.
Ongar started the game stuck in reverse. They spluttered into life on the pitch and needed the constant barrage of abuse from John Minns on the side-lines to get them going. They fell behind early on when Rochford used their large forwards to muscle over the line.
Maybe it was the thought of Xmas approaching or we were all blind with Jeddy love an admiration but something needed to get Ongar into gear.
Suddenly a switch flicked and Ongar started to play their usual powerful forwards and dynamic backs game. As if the clouds were lifted and the sun came out, Ongar roared into the match and never looked back.
Son ferocious tackles were being launched at the opposition and the face of the game changed completely.
Simon Franklin, who was sporting his ‘anti ouch my head’ attire burst from the back line and could not be stopped as he crossed the line for his first try of the game. Aaron Hardy converted with ease and revealed a t -shirt under his playing kit promoting his new found love of religion.
That try kicked Rochford in the goolies and gave Ongar the advantage they needed to run wildly at their backline. Soon everyone was having a go. But alas for a few dubious refereeing decisions the final score could have been higher. Ben Whateley-Harris had a try disallowed early on but that didn’t stop the O’s as Simon Franklin ran in his second of the game and then decided to hide on the wing because his lungs were out of puff.
The forwards were putting in a great show, much to our 5 supporters on the side-lines delight. Alan Elvin decided that today was the day when he would break his try scoring duck for the Os. He wily, mazy and slippery runs managed to break the line and he plopped down for his first try in his Ongar career. Later on he would regret scoring as he got a bit vomity in the bar from his drinking forfeit.
Alan’s face was a picture of pure Jeddy joy as his little face lit up with pride and some would say arousal. This inspired him throughout the game as well as putting in his usual bit hits he managed to cross the line for his second of the match and second of his career spanning 23 years and 4 Months.
Aaron Hardy played well and even though he voiced some bizarre opinions about how nurses are overpaid he ran in a try showing a turn of speed reminiscent of Stephen Hawking in full flight and slotted home 6 out of his 9 conversion attempts.
The front row of Michael Blake, Andy Surrage and Samuel Horatio Fob watch Minns put in a stonking performance, they didn’t budge an inch in the scrum and heaved like their lives depended on it. The back and second row of John Berry, Dave Lewis, Aaron Hardy, Alan Elvin and Thomas ‘Chubblover’ Bristow all played well and were very naughty stealing a lot of lineout ball.
Rochford hit back with another try but after they missed the conversion their points tally stayed where it was and didn’t budge.
Although in the second half there was a period of 5 minutes where Rochford had the Os pinned to their line. But dogged determination and big hits combined with stoical defending prevented Rochford from breaching the high walls of the Ongar keep.
Simon Franklin who was still mincing about and trying to get his breath back suddenly burst into life and crossed the line to score a hat trick, then he added another to take his tally to 4 and do the worst attempt at a swan dive since Jeddy fell over getting into bed with Bristow on tour.
The game was all but won and still Ongar showed a determination for more. The first ten minutes of defensive mayhem and stuttering starts was long gone and now Ongar forwards and backs were running with gay abandon at the Rochford backline.
Jack Smith collected from Jon Browning to dive over the line before Mad Army Matt Dun took a ball of the back of a ruck at speed and could not be caught. Giving Aaron Hardy an easy conversion to miss.
Nick Cronjeager played well at scrum half; he controlled the game and created some good chances even with the disability of being permanently off balance because of the size of his head. Although he cannot be praised anymore because he brought a ‘man-bag’ with him to the game and by doing so he showed utter contempt for the game of rugby and everyone who considers themselves an Englishman.
With the game well and truly won Tom Bristow wanted to get in on the scoring action. He collected a ball from Ben Whateley-Harris and crossed the line. He touched down and looked up, he ever present smile spread even wider across his face to make him look a little like Mr. toad. He was just about to stand up and do a celebratory dance when the referee ruled that it was a forward pass. His face dropped, his world came crashing down around him. His life’s work lay in the mud in tatters and ruins. His shoulders sagged and his chin dropped. He started whimpering and needed a cuddle from Michael Blake. Tom came so close, but so far, the story of his life. The next day the plumber/receptionist on a bike will have to start all over again. Later he could be seen breastfeeding off Blakey in the bar!
The final whistle went and Ongar could be proud of themselves. But they must learn to start harder, faster and more alive. Sometimes this season we have started with our heads elsewhere. Whether we are dazzled by Jeddy’s sexual magnificence or the fact that we all have Freudian envy over the Captain, but we need to come out of the blocks like a sprinter; not like a pensioner in the post office queue.
Afterwards in the bar the old boys of Rochford commented on our singing. Saying that it was great to hear singing in a rugby club, something which seems to be dying out recently.
Lastly Alan Elvin was named man of the match, but it will be remembered as a day when John Minns lauded the praise on his hero and saviour Daniel Riley.



Ongar 40 – 3 Witham
Trys: Franklin, Hovell, Cronjaeger, Whateley-Harris
Cons: Hardy (3)
Pens: Hardy (3)


Ongar ended 2011 with a resounding scintillating, incandescent and Sparrtanesque performance The result put a smile on everyone faces and sent a euphoria though the club that lasted well into the early boozy hours.
The buzz that followed the game was one of the best felt at the club and will go down as one of the best Ongar team performances in recent history.

Witham started brightly but it soon became apparent that their entire game plan was based on kicking. They seemed a true one trick pony team and were soon sent to the glue factory by a ruthless and clinical Ongar.

Witham started kicking early and cheeky hit a drop goal in the opening minutes to go 3 points up. This would be the only points of the match and they would not come close to the try line. Although they did try a drop goal from their own half which showed that they were not comfortable running the ball forward.
Aaron Hardy slotted 3 consecutive penalties over to give Ongar the lead and from that point they never looked back. Certain Witham players did not like contact one bit. Pete Hovell flattened their number ten which left him whinging and whining to the referee on the deck.
Ongar’s pack were immense there are far too many superlatives to describe how powerful, mammoth and ridiculously menacing they were. Scrum after scrum they annihilated Witham’s pack turning over ball after ball. The roar they exhaled while in full flow was reminiscent of Jeddy in the Serengeti.
The score at half time was 16-3 to Ongar as Simon Franklin fresh from the village managed to break the line with a powerful and speedy run. He crossed the line near the corner and decided that he wanted to place the ball between the posts. Somehow to evaded half of their back line to do so. He said he did this because he had no confidence in Aaron Hardy’s kicking abilities since he has opened his soul to religion. Aaron slotted home the conversion with a modicum of effort as the ball was facing East so it was an easier kick for him.
The second half started brightly and Ongar never gave away an inch. Tackles were hard, runs were strong and powerful and on many occasion it took as much as three Witham players to force and Ongar player off the pitch for a lineout.
The pack controlled the line outs and the scrums and was terrifying in attack. Pate Hovell was his usual marauding self, lunging on every loose ball and snarling through teeth that he had sharpened especially for the game that morning.
Dave Lewis screamed Sparta in every tackle and bullied the opposition at times; while Tom Bristow smiled his smile and occasionally giggled when someone rubbed his belly.
John Berry controlled the ball with silky skills in the scrum at number 8; giving Nick Cronjeager great protection for the scrum half to give wayward passes as his massive crown wobbled about like a nodding dog.
The front row of Michael Blake, Andy Surrage and Sammy Fobwatch Minns didn’t give away an inch of grass.
With this power in the pack they were creating chances for Jack Smith to distribute via Jon Browning. Pete Hovell burst from deep to collect a popped pass and tear across the pitch and down the side-line. He evaded two tackles and merely shrugged off the wingers tackle to slide over the line for try number 2 of the game. He stood up looked towards Jeddy on the side-lines and saluted his divine saviour.
A small break in play caused by an injury to a Witham player gave Aaron Hardy just time to have a quick religious homage before he slotted over the conversion from a very tricky angle

With the score 23-3 Ongar were on the hunt for more points. They were getting greedy like Michael Blake at an all you can eat buffet. They were on the prowl for more points, prowling the streets like Jack Smith before he was electronically tagged.
Ongar’s backs were running at Witham with joyous smiles on their faces. Jon Browning turned around after one breakdown and said ‘I am really enjoying this’ as a huge child catchers smile crept over his face.
Captain Ian Springate had to hobble off during the second half. A reoccurrence of his groin strain prevented him from playing on and he was replaced by Matt Adcock on the wing. Biggerman made an immediate impact. He produced some mazy runs and some fine plucks from out of the air. Hopefully this performance will give him the kick up the bum he needs to get to training rather than hanging around in bus stops painting homeless people with creosote.
Captain Springate hobbled off the pitch and as soon as the game finished he ran off back up to Leeds where he has a secret lady hidden away in a hospital after he accidently caused her a serious injury. The poor girl should make a complete recovery but has been advised never to watch the film ‘Tremors’ as she may have flashbacks of the incident.
The all-conquering scrum demolished Witham’s pack again and this time John berry controlling the ball scored a pushover try and leapt for joy afterwards.
Nick Cronjaeger played well at scrum half. He shouted instructions at the forwards and even though the crest of his head had a snow cap he managed to break the line and score a little gem of a try to put Ongar 33-3 up before Aaron Hardy slotted over another divine conversion.
The game was well and truly won. Ongar however did not have one eye on the crisp pint in the bar. They wanted more and put Witham to the sword. Ben Whateley-Harris ran in a late try in the corner after somehow shrugging off 3 players to put the ball down. Ongar scored 40 points and Witham apart from their cheeky drop goal had not come close.
There was just enough time for more incidents. Some of Witham’s players had been dropping like flies. There was a few whinges along the way; but after another member of their front row went down injured it became uncontested scrums.
Mad Matt Dodd playing at full back was vociferous and as mental as ever. He lunged into a tackle and in true Sam Warburton fashion sent a player crashing to the floor. The referees card came out but as he is not Welsh it was only a yellow and with the clock ticking down the end of his game.
Finally there was a beautiful and majestic cameo from Daniel Riley. He came on late for Jack Smith who had been attacked by that pesky wasp again. Jeddy didn’t put a foot wrong on the wing and got a ten out of ten star rating and a top score on the Euro N-cap scale. Unfortunately Jeddy could not stay for too long after the game because his emergency pager went off and he is needed in North Korea to teach the new leader Kim Jong – Un to breakdance.
A special mention must be made about the return of the Chinese Holy walking shrine. Dale jackson after a long injury lay off came off the bench to a rapturous applause from the 32,567 capacity crowd. Welcome back Dale and congratulations on impregnating your Fiancé. Well done, good job.



7th January 2012
Passmores 26 – 19 Ongar
Try: Franklin (2), Adcock
Cons: Hardy (2)

2012 is underway and Ongar rugby club may have lost their first game of the New Year but came away with a moral victory against a dirty, malicious and thuggish Passmores team.
Ongar were under the cosh from the off, but against the run of play they scored two break away tries. First came from Matthew ‘Biggerman’ Adcock who used his immense bulk and shear manliness to break a tackle and run 30 yards to score after Jack Smith at 10 had lofted a ball high into the brisk Harlow air.
Simon Franklin did his usual trick of suddenly coming from nowhere to pounce like a dirty pirate and score yet another try to add to his impressive tally.
Aaron Hardy converted Simon’s try but unfortunately because he had not done his morning prayers and ablutions missed Adcock’s try conversion attempt. It was at this point the referee pointed out to Aaron that he is not allowed to wear a six inch wooden cross around his neck while he plays; he reluctantly took it off and carried on.
Ongar against the run of play now found themselves in the lead but unfortunately didn’t capitalise on it as Passmores slowly clawed their way back into the game. They literally clawed their way back in to the game as the dirty buggers even had a go at eye gouging using their Cruella DeVille talons to try and ripped out Ben Whateley-Harris’ eyes in front of coach John Minns and the entire away crowd. Not in front of the away crowd I hear you cry!
The game was strewn with small errors on both sides part. Scrum after scrum and lineout after line out followed and Ongar’s pack looked solid and held their own for the majority of the match. Tackle rocketed in and Jack Smith was extra aggressive or randy in the tackle.
Jack was sporting his new Joey Barton haircut and it must have given him extra oomph in the tackle as he did not seem to tire. He launched himself into tackle after tackle and even sent one of their players off winded. The noise he made was fantastic and reminiscent of a drama queen breaking a nail while performing in Mardi Gras.
Today was Samuel ‘Fobwatch’ Minns’ 37th birthday. He put in an impressive performance for his age and rolled back the years just like a young gazelle. He said he received a special portrait of Jeddy for his birthday and it was now proudly over his mantelpiece.
The game became scrappier and dirtier. Passmores were now in the lead and I cannot remember their trys because they were rubbish and not worth mentioning.
Half time came and Ongar needed to buck their ideas up. Coach John Minns gave a frank and harsh team talk. Ongar needed to start performing. Dave Lewis added some inspiration pick me up words before bellowing ‘Sparta’ and scaring Neil Springate. Poor Neil almost went into labour. Then after the motivational speeches from Dave and John Dale added some random grunts and a growl which in Harlow speak meant ‘let’s be ‘avin you’!!
The second half started brightly with Dave Blake creating some fine chances and good mazy runs. The pack was as strong as ever and seemed on a mission. But alas it was not to be as Passmores scored their 4th try of the game and theoretically put the match to bed.
Ongar never gave up though. Encouraged by their travelling supporters they pluckily threw themselves into try avoiding tackles and went back at Passmores.
Suddenly Passmores took the ball into a ruck which Ongar stole. Before the opposition could put their teeth back in and try and formulate the sentence ‘lost ball’ Simon Franklin of the village took off. They lunged at him grunting and growling. But none could get near him. Simon Franklin was flying.
He steamed down the pitch like a powerful locomotive and somehow covered 70 yards before placing the ball down for a sublime try. The people of Willingale all stood up and celebrated this wonderful moment in their history. Sisters and brothers embraced (normal in Willingale) and tractor drivers tooted their horns. The land rover club of Great Britain took off their flat caps and waved them in the air in celebration.
Simon Franklin had scored a stupendous try, a try of such countrylife butter awesomeness that all the animals in the village clapped their hooves and trotters in unison and all the Canada geese came back early from their migration to sit on Simon’s lap and applaud him with their beaks.
Simon’s tally now stands at a remarkable tally of 13 games played and 15 tries scored. The Willingale village society said later in a press release that they will erect a statue of him in the form of a wicker man and burn it on the summer solstice if the crops fail. Simon was immediately offered a job presenting countryfile but alas cannot work a mobile phone so could only reply by carrier pigeon.
Ongar celebrated his try by having a team shower. Unfortunately Simon declined to join them. Simon never showers and there are many suggestions as to why. They range from the acceptable to the ludicrous but the most accepted one is that Simon has udders and does not want to show his country mutation to the team.
Simon’s try gave Ongar a lifeline, but no matter how hard they fought they could not get back into this game. The score line in the end flattered Passmores and Ongar could hold their heads high with the moral victory.
Ongar could list the things that they didn’t do after the game: They didn’t eye gouge, throw punches at Big Jack Burton off the ball, didn’t have a team of angry gingers didn’t get a man sent off for stamping all over Dave Lewis and didn’t have some angry men who were never hugged by their mothers. Ongar did not also try and blatantly and incredibly lately trip Simon ‘Villager of the year 2011’ Franklin after his try.
Passmores on the other hand could list all of those things and a sack full more in what will be remembered as a dirty game. So dirty in fact that even Tom Bristow would have turned it down; and that’s saying something. Ongar can however admit to redecorating one of Passmores school toilets a la Michael Blake style!
Special mentions must be made to Alan Elvin who once again played a stormer and was like a little wind up monkey at openside flanker. Also Dave Lewis must get a mention for not killing the man who was stamping all over him. All it would have taken was one swift ninja Lewis trotter of destiny moment and the offender would have never stamped on anyone again. All credit for holding your temper; and yours fists back.
An extra special mention must be made about Nick Cronjaeger who finally has got a bag suitable for rugby and not a leatherette man bag. Although his good work was undone when he unveiled his new whiter than white boots.
Once the final whistle had sounded Ongar’s team spirit was still strong. In defeat they still stood united and John Minns praised the lads saying that ‘Jeddy would have made all the difference.
Where was the Ginger wonder of destiny I hear you cry? Well Daniel Jeddy Riley could not play in this game because he was in Cambodia. In Cambodia I hear you cry! Yes in Cambodia; Jeddy was needed by the war crimes tribunal in the much anticipated case of crimes against humanity against some of the surviving members of the Khmer Rouge.
Apparently Jeddy was parachuted in to act as supreme judge after the court demanded some one of ‘stature and manliness’ lead the deliberations.
Therefore Jeddy will be away for some time while the evil murderers who terrorised that beautiful country in the seventies stand trial and hopefully will never take another breath of fresh air as free men again.
2012 may have seen Ongar start on a losing note but we are hungry for victory and are going to hunt down the next team who come across us. We will hunt them down like Michael Blake hunts mince pies over the festive period. This is an Olympic year that demands Olympic performances from the O’s; we all know that we can deliver.
Captain Ian Springate will be demanding more of his faithful charges. As he leads them over the top and in to the bombardment he demands: loyalty, respect, love, aggression and most importantly of all lust.
Unfortunately for a second week running Jon Browning will not be available because he has forsaken ORFC in order to try and forge a career in musical theatre. He was recently seen hanging about the stage door of Wicked dressed as a flying monkey. Just wait till he finds out that Andrew Lloyd Webber is starting a nationwide search for a Jesus as he is bringing back Jesus Christ Superstar to the West End.


Writtle 12 – 31 Ongar
Try: Franklin (3), Nott, Bristow
Con: Hardy (3)
14/1/12
Ongar travelled the short distance down the A414 to play Writtle for the second time this season. Their last encounter ended in a thrilling 62-0 victory for the Os. The mood was high and everyone was up for the game.
Unfortunately Jeddy could not play because of his facial noma. A terrible wasting disease which is caught from malnutrition as a child. Apparently his parents only allowed him to eat the mice which he caught, the lack of vital nutrients ended up having a lasting effect on the poor boy. Only recently has this terrible infliction reared its ugly head. Therefore he cheered from the side lines and offered massages and rub downs to any passers-by; including a rather startled dog walker.
Ongar started brightly and man of the moment and Willingale’s number one export put the away team into the lead.
Dave Blake collected a pass from Jack Smith who crashed through a couple of the opposition sending them flying like Jeddies in the wind before popping the ball out to Jon Browning. Jon was tackled but placed the ball for scrum half and karaoke champion Nick Cronjaeger who via Jack Smith fed Simon Franklin who used his fabled Willingale pace to burn the Writtle defence to score.
Simon was ecstatic and had a small travelling fan club with him today. Some of the Willingale villagers had left their homesteads for the first time in their lives; leaving their livestock to fend for themselves and the chickens to run riot. The mobile library or ‘knowledge wagon’ as Simon calls it had been roped into brining these people to the game. Many didn’t know what was going on or where they were. Some started to have bizarre fits as there were no goats within 100 yards of themselves and two of the villagers were wearing suits made of straw and clutching pitchforks.
Aaron Hardy converted Simon’s try with relative ease and was sporting a rather shiny new diamond earring to boot.
Writtle’s pitch resembled a bit of a jungle with its knee high grass. During the game a khaki glad explorer suddenly appeared cutting his way through the undergrowth with his machete. A huge trail of porters carrying all sorts of hunting trophies followed him. He put his field glasses to his eyes and his face suddenly became ashen. He had spotted Jeddy on the side-line with his facial wasting disease. Suddenly the porters fled and the explorer retreated into Victorian obscurity.
The second try of the game also fell to Ongar. The Os created a great move where all the backs were involved. Jack popped it to Jon Browning who with the try line in sight was body checked by the referee who was stumbling about in the wrong place. With the momentum lost a dropped pass resulted in a scrum down. Writtle won the scrum and hoofed the ball down field. Matthew ‘Biggerman’ Adcock plucked the ball from the air and set off on a trademark mazy run towards the right wing. He rounded two players and passed deftly to James Nott who ran in between the posts to wild celebrations from a tractor pulling a trailer with the Wurzals on the back; which had turned up to cheer Simon on.
Aaron Hardy duly converted to add to his points tally for the season which after the game stood at a whopping 120 points. In Jeddy money that is equivalent to a night on the whiskey with Ongar’s number one fan and boy band member Carl Regelous.
The half ended with the score 14-0 to Ongar. The away team were seemingly in the ascendency.
The second half went to uncontested scrums early on. This seems to be a recurring problem which Ongar are faced with. This has happened for the umpteenth time this season. As soon as the words uncontested had left the referees lips Michael Blake was rolled off the pitch and was put out to pasture. He was replaced by Thomas Bristow; the only man in the world who can find a bouncy castle alluring.
Ongar happily welcomed some players back after a small absence. Liam Brandwith had managed to stay off the booze long enough to play. He rocked up dressed in his flat cap and timberlands. Apparently he has a new girlfriend and is making an effort and not wearing last night’s vomit or mud from the Stag pub garden where he has passed out.
Mat Matt Dodd also returned from recent manoeuvres away with the army. He has been practising for a beach landing when we invade France and install Jeddy as the head of state. He started on the bench and while watching from the side casually announced to his horrified Dad that he has been given his orders and returns to Afghanistan in March. This time he said he won’t be playing rounders in a mine field, or dressing up locals in teddy bear costumes. But he will take a model of Jeddy with him to spread the word.

Simon Franklin continued his amazing scoring run collecting a missed pass from Jack Smith. He side stepped the Writtle outside centre and ran under the posts. He is seemingly unstoppable and even though is allergic to team showers is showing no signs of slowing down.
His second try of the game was met by jubilant celebrations from the Willingale faithful who broke out into a spontaneous Morris dance.
Aaron Hardy lined up a simple conversion but somehow missed by a meter. He looked to the heaves and shouted ‘Why have you forsaken me’, he ripped off his skull cap in disgust and said he will join the Hari Krisha’s.

The Ongar forwards were putting in a good show as ever; with strong performances from Dale Jackson. Father to be Dale after the game said that no matter what sex his unborn child is; he wants to name it Bernice after his former tour roommate Royston.
Sam Minns at hooker displayed his usual grit and determination. He was celebrating being named ‘fob watch wearer of the year 2011’ and even though he was wearing his ceremonial tweed jacket which was presented to him by the Imperial leader of the British and Empire fob watch club (Southern branch) the snug fit of the Harris tweed didn’t hamper his solid performance.

Writtle hit back after Ongar were penalised for killing the ball; they capitalised on some sloppy tackles as one of their backs ran in their first points of the game which was duly converted. Alan Elvin and Dave Lewis were penalised for killing the ball; resulting in Dave being sin binned by the referee for his actions. He marched off the pitch growling and vowing revenge.
Alan on the other hand stayed on the pitch and seemed to inherit Dave Lewis’ primeval anger and put in some strong spine crushing and gut wrenching tackles.
Ongar soon struck back and scored their 4th try of the game with Simon Franklin completing his hat-trick.
Great work and pressure by the forwards created the chance by stealing the ball from Writtle’s lineout. Ongar broke away down the touchline and Jon Browning carried the ball using a bit of the magic he stole from when he met Paul Daniels at the boat show on Thursday.
The ball was played out to an onrushing Simon Franklin who crashed over with at least 3 people hanging off him to touch down. That hat-trick takes Simon’s tally for the season in all competitions to 18 tries in 14 appearances. A remarkable tally from someone who never uses a mobile phone and is scared of computers and the London Underground.
Aaron Hardy converted with a modicum of effort.

Writtle took advantage of the extra man and the curse of the Ongar sloppy tackle saw their winger cross the line. Luckily for Ongar they missed their conversion attempt and that was all the points that they managed to get.
Jon Berry was playing brilliant at number 8. His ball carrying and tackling was spot on and his hunger never seemed to diminish. Soon he will be celebrating his 54th birthday and doesn’t seem to be tiring, he is reluctant to step aside and let Aaron take over his hallowed number 8 shirt.

Continuing his good form John Berry broke through a tackle and set off carrying the ball down field. His second such run of the game. He was brought to the floor and the loose ball was cleverly scooped up by Tom Bristow who lolloped over the line and placed the ball under the posts. His ever present grim became wider and he started to dribble with joy.
Tom Bristow had scored a try! Ongar’s players looked shocked, Writttle were in a bemused state of semi recognition, even the Willingale travelling fans were stunned into silence.
Tom was so happy with his try that he has offered to buy everyone drinks at the next game at home to Chelmsford on the 28th January.
The only person who seemed to realise that the Chode had scored was Jack ‘Piccalilli’ Pickett who emerged from his igloo, pulled his snow hood away from his eyes and started to do an Inuit love song on the side-lines. He then realised that he had left the kettle on and had to retreat into his igloo before his ice sculpture of Jeddy melted.
Tom Bristow recently announced to the world that he had passed his driving test. Everyone congratulated him and sent him messages of support. Unfortunately I can reveal it was all a rather naughty facebook practical joke. Tom has not passed his driving test and will therefore continue to be the plumber/secretary on a bike. On a positive note that means there will be one less dangerous driver on the road mounting curbs to avoid floating crisp packets in the wind and going backwards through speed cameras to try and confuse them.
Tom also missed the Passmores game last week because he was in a chubby lover’s rehabilitation clinic.
Aaron missed the conversion from a slight angle as his Krisha tambourine got in the way and his flowing orange robe wrapped around his legs and covered his eyes as he lined up for the kick.
The final score ended with Ongar scoring 31 points, exactly half of what they scored last time against Writtle. But the performance on this cold Saturday was much more rewarding than what the score line suggested.
After the game Big Jack Burton said “being so new to the team and one of the younger players it is always nice to have a role model to look up to; even though his facial disease prevented him from playing Jeddy is a true inspiration to me. I look up to him like the people of Burma look up to Aung Sung Su Kyi”.
Captain Ian Springate after last week’s loss to Passmores was upbeat and in jubilant mood. Unfortunately he is too loved up to give rugby related quotes and just made cooing and gurgling noises and sank into a trance thinking of his Brighton lover.
The Leader of the Willingale Simon fan club had had a fantastic day out and passed on the villagers congratulations to the team. Farmer Rupert Touchy-Fingerbone said: “I am not sure what rugby really is but I enjoyed it immensely. I have never seen that many bodies colliding since we had the Willingale speed dating event. The trouble was that they were all related so we had to bring in the livestock to ‘spice’ up the evening. Simon did well and tonight when we slaughter a goat in his honour we will pray to our pagan Gods for more Ongar victories”.




Ongar 39 – 0 Chelmsford

The stage was set for a revenge made in heaven. Last time these two teams had met, the game was blighted by poor refereeing decisions and the never-ending prop story.
Previously Chelmsford had re-created a Disney film called ‘101 Props’ as they seems to have an inexhaustible supply running on the pitch from another game wearing shirts with ‘Chelmsford 2nds’ embroided on them.
So the scene was set for a grudge match, a re-match where Ongar currently sitting in second place in the league wanted to avenge their loss against the bottom club.
Every player was chomping at the bit, texts, Facebook messages and tweets were ablaze with messages of ‘let’s smash them’. The mood in the Ongar camp was high and determined; they were ready for a scrap and ready for anything.
Then the day before the match Captain Ian Springate’s phone went beep. He put down his copy of the Viz and lifted his phone. He glanced around making sure that no one else could see him skiving off his work. A strange feeling came over him; he knew the text was bad news. The screen lit up as he unlocked his plumbers battered and bruised phone. His screen background of Mark Jones bore into his retinas.
Opening the message revealed the news to be bad; he was half hoping that the message may just be another one from Dave Blake talking about his love of goats. Unfortunately this message was from an unknown number and simply said ‘cannot get a team out tomorrow; our players were eaten by badgers. Love Chelmsford RFC’.
The text message cast a cloud of gloom over his normally smiling face; he frowned and re-read the message to make sure he had interpreted it correctly. A quick Google searched led to the finding that Chelmsford had indeed lost 12 of their players to a group of rampaging Honey Badgers who were on the razz in Dukes on its last night before closing forever. Chelmsford players were also out celebrating that night and when one accidently spilt one of the badger’s drinks all hell broke loose. To cut a long story short, the badgers are now on the run and Essex police is enlisting the help of Chief super incontinent Jeddy into the investigation.
Captain Barnet sat down; his face was glum as he composed a text message to all the players. His fingers hit the key pad and the letters or magic symbols as Simon calls them flashed up on the screen. With the message composed he pressed send and within a couple of minutes he was inundated with replies consisting of the words ‘why’ and ‘typical’.
Captain Barnet made his way home. He was feeling down and slightly melancholy, he really wanted to play tomorrow. He must have been in a funny mood as he pulled over into a layby and opened the side door of his van up. The sudden light made the two bound and gagged girls in the van blink and then seeing him approach started to whimper.
But Barnet wasn’t in the mood for these play things so he took out a Stanley knife and cut them loose. As the blade approached the girls they started to squirm against their bindings and hyperventilate. They thought they were seeing their last images before meeting their maker; suddenly as the blade came closer and closer they were in disbelief as their bindings were cut and the eight ball on a leather strap was taken out of their mouths. They sat there shivering and shaking and looking doe eyed up at Barnet. ‘Fly my pretties’ he said. With that they bolted out of the back of the van and into a field running as fast as their legs would carry them.

Captain Barnet made his way home. The drive was long and his mind was adrift with rugby related matters. He so badly wanted to play in that game, but those awful cads at Chelmsford had dashed his dreams.
He arrived home and pushed the door open. His bearded father was cooking in the nude but this seemed to wash over him as his mind was elsewhere.
Barnet opened a cupboard and took out a bottle of whiskey and a tumbler. He chucked in a handful of ice into the glass and the satisfying chink of ice hitting glass made him pause and look out the window. He could see the mobile library pulling away from his lane and it made him think of rugby again.
Filling the glass to the rim he gulped down the whiskey. The warmth hit his stomach and made his eyes water. He wanted to be a man so filled his glass up again and this time in one large gulp downed the contents of the glass. The alcohol made him feel a little dizzy but he still had control of his body.
Walking the stairs to his room he poured himself another large whiskey and flopped onto the bed. Glass after glass of whiskey disappeared down his throat; his phone was off as he could not take any more of the texts or calls asking why the game had been cancelled.
He put some Radiohead on his stereo, locked his door from the inside and lay his head on his pillow; with his half empty 7th glass of whiskey resting on his stomach. The whiskey was taking its toll and his eye lids felt heavy, he fought to keep them open but soon he succumbed to their immense weight and he started to breath heavily as he drifted off into a deep alcohol induced slumber.

His muscles relaxed and his eyes started to move under his eye lids as he started to dream. Barnet drifted away, he drifted away to a land where the game wasn’t called off and to a land where he was a king.
Barnet lay on the crisp grass, the sun was shining and he was looking up at the birds in the sky. He rolled onto one elbow and propped himself up. He noticed that he was in full rugby kit and that everyone was warming up.
He jumped up and realised that the game was due to start in 5 minutes. He looked around and saw that the stands were full to brimming and he trotted over in his Ongar kit to where his team mates were standing. They all acknowledge his arrival by bowing and on the side-lines they sacrificed a Ginger child in his honour.
The game kicked off and within 5 minutes Captain Barnet had performed two suplexes a back flip and scored a try where he flew through the air and winked at a rather attractive lady in the crowd.
Ongar seemed to be playing immensely the pack only had to sneeze to send Chelmsford falling backwards on to the ground. Barnet then collected a high ball and took off; his muscular frame bounced off all those who dare to tackle him. His arms of steel gripping that ball like Michael Blake grips onto his security blanket.
The rest of the game seemed a blur. There was a moment when twenty elephants came onto the pitch being ridden by the committee all in pith helmets carrying muskets.
Half time arrived and instead of oranges out came a roast dinner. Barnet looked to his brother and said ‘would you like to carve’, with that Neil Springate lay down on the pitch and gave birth to a baby cow. ‘I said carve not calf’ barked Barnet.
The little calf remained on the pitch covered in afterbirth for the remainder of the game. But afterwards it grew into a Beautiful Jeddy and was set free into the wilds of Marks and Spencer.
The final whistle had gone and the score was 39-0 to Ongar, Barnet was lifted up onto the shoulders of John Minns who paraded him around. The red arrows flew over with plumes of red, white and blue smoke filling the air.
As it transpires Barnet had scored all the tries, all 8 of them, he only converted 3 of them as when he took the other conversions he kicked the ball at enemy aircraft that was approaching and caused them to crash in Willingale; where the ejecting pilots will be treated like Gods.
He also scored a beautiful drop goal off of his chopper which he swung like a mighty caveman swings a club.
TV crews interviewed him and he was live on every channel in every country all at once. Girls swarmed onto the pitch and gaggled around him as he flexed his muscles and took off his shirt to show his tattoo of a prawn.
One girl caught his eye, she was tall and leggy and incredibly beautiful. She seemed to stop time as she walked over towards him. Her hair caught the breeze and lifted up off her shoulders. Her lips pouted and her eyes sparkled. Barnet’s heart fluttered and missed a beat; he was in love. He advanced to meet her and stood only inches from her face. Time stood still and there was no noise.
They moved closer to each other and Barnet was short of breath, he could smell her and feel her breath on his face. He closed his eyes and lent in. Their lips were just about to meet…

Suddenly a wetness developed on Barnet’s crotch he opened his eyes and sat up. His eyes adjusted to the darkness and he realised that he was on his bed. Looking down he realised that the wetness was from the whiskey glass which he had spilt in his lap.
It was a dream he thought to himself, there wasn’t a match, and I am not a hero. Why did it have to be a dream?
He leant over and grabbed the bottle of whiskey, there was still just enough for one last large glass, so he poured himself one and gulped it down. He put his head back on the pillow and wished he could sleep, he so badly wanted to be back at that place where he was a king and that girl wanted to kiss him. Slowly and gradually he drifted off again.
The grip on his glass weakened in his sleep and the glass went tumbling off the bed and shattered with a cloud crash onto the floor.
Startled he sat up and looked around; he thought he could sense something in his room. Scanning the room he looked around but all seemed in order.
Soon he was back sound asleep without a care in the world.

The next morning two muddy and terrified girls walked into a police station to make a complaint. They told of the 2 weeks they had been bound in the back of a van and gave a description of the culprit.
As Barnet stirred and woke on the rugbyless Saturday he could hear sirens in the distance and thought nothing of it. Soon his life will change forever.

Tune in next time for ‘Barnet’s escape from Broadmoor’.


18th February 2012
Bancroft 7 – 57 Ongar
Tries: Franklin (3), D. Blake, Browning, Peters, Hovell, Adcock, Berry
Cons: Hardy (5), Hovell

This match was supposed to be a home game against Thurrock. Late on Thursday evening they rang up Captain Springate and pulled out of the game citing the fact that half their players were in Israel taking part in a Kibbutz. This horrid news sent Captain Chopper Longfellow into a state of depression. He mounted his trusty motorbike which he calls Morgan after his ex-husband and drove into the sun.
He disappeared for 4 whole days and the only reason his Mother and man with beard discovered where he was had come from a special letter from the Jeddy postal service. In this letter he stated the fact that he was considering joining the Church and needed to seek Aaron Hardy for advice on all matters religious.
So with Thurrock out of the picture Bancroft’s managed to put a team together and give us a good spirited friendly which was hastily arranged and played in the right attitude of the game.
Ongar started the game coming out of the tracks at pull speed. They were either annoyed that their league game had been cancelled or they were putting on a display for the missing in action Jedward.
Jeddy was sadly not with his Ongar disciples this week as he was in Hollywood doing voiceover work for the new muppets movie where he appears as the character Beaker.
Dave Blake crashed over the line after 5 minutes to give Ongar the upper hand and an early lead. Aaron ‘Jehovah’ Hardy stepped up and with divine beauty kicked the conversion over. Not a mean feat when he was only wearing sandals in the style of Jesus.
Dave’s try came from good work in the Ongar line out who shipped the ball out for him to run 7 meters and power over the line.
Matthew Adcock scored the next try. Ongar had been pinned back into their 22 before Pete Hovell hulked up and managed to run half the length of the pitch. He held onto the ball even though he had James Nott and Jon Browning in support before finally being brought down. Ongar rucked over and soon the ball went through quick hands to Matthew Adcock who used his shear bulk and immense manliness to score in the corner.
Simon Franklin the speed machine crossed the line next. He used his pace to blister past the Bancroft defence after the ball came out from an Ongar scrum. A typical Simon try and still he refuses to wash after games. Aaron Hardy converted and was now sporting a John the Baptist beard.
Simon then scored a second try; but no one can remember what happened as we were all looking at the sky because there was a micro light and we thought it could be Jeddy making an entrance. Sadly it wasn’t!
With Ongar in the ascendancy John Berry got into the scoring action. Bancroft’s scrum was rotated and when Ongar fed in it fell to Number 8 John Berry to collect and go for the line. Aaron Hardy stepped up and converted again, this time he had some horrid bleeding from his wrists and ankles and definite signs of the stigmata.
Half time the score was 31-0 to Ongar but this game was far from over.
The second half erupted with some explosive runs and tackles from Ongar; you could see the hunger in their eyes. They were greedy for points and resembled Michael Blake on a naked donut rampage.
Scrum half and stand in captain Jon Browning scored the first try of the second half after a scrum on Bancroft’s 22. John Berry picked up the ball and ran blind and popped it to the onrushing Jon Browning who went over to score under the posts. This gave Aaron Hardy an easy conversion that slotted over even with a giant stone tablet with ten lines written on it under his arm.
Bancroft by this point had succumbed to a few injuries and mentioned the fact that they would go to uncontested scrums. With this news we took off Michael Blake so he could refuel on cake. One of Bancroft’s props then had to go off injured and with that Michael Blake donned a Bancroft shirt and took to the pitch against his club. The crowed booed and hissed him but this seemed to do nothing but spur him on.
Michael tried everything to score against Ongar; he even tried to bribe Keith Wood to put laxatives into the Ongar drinking bottles.
Ongar welcomed back Alex Peters from a long term knee injury and he capped his first appearance for a while in the hallowed Ongar shirt by scoring a fine team try from a well worked backs move.
Aaron Hardy converted his 5th of the game. This would be his last action in the game as he had to go off because he had a sore thumb from catching it on a burning bush.
Bancroft managed to get on the score sheet and converted a try to the delight of their home crowd. This spurred Ongar on who went straight back at them with Simon ‘speedy Gonzalez’ Franklin completing his hat trick.
Simon picked up a loose ball from a wayward kick and proceeded to run at the Bancroft defence. He ran round at least 5 players to score an awesome try. He must have broken a sweat doing that but still the soap did not come out of his bag after the game.
With the game won and Ongar’s minds on beer and Michael Blake in a bikini there was just time for a Pete Hovell special. The new dad and advocate of water births used the pod system well and crashed through to score. He then converted it himself and afterwards in the bar treated himself to a celebratory babysham.

Even though the score line was high this was not a complete performance from Ongar and they can still raise their game. Prop Sam Minns said: ‘Oooh it’s lovely to get a jolly nice win; but next time I really want us to play like Wales’.
Carl Regelous the team masseuse said: ‘I don’t like it when we win without injuries as it doesn’t give me a chance to get my hands all over their sumptuous bodies’.

25th February 2012
Upminster 17 – 14 Ongar
Tries: Nott, Franklin
Cons: Hardy (2)

After last week’s friendly it was good to get back into league action. Ongar had last played a league game on the 14th January. Every league game had either been frozen or snowed off or the opposition had cried off with a day to spare. In this time however Ongar had collected two 39-0 victories over Chelmsford and Thurrock because of their cancellations.
Ongar travelled to the sunshine town of Upminster and were greeted by the smallest pitch they had ever seen. Surely this pitch was Japanese because it definitely was of the Bonzai variety.
The miniscule pitch was sloped and the poste had obviously been out the night before on the razzle as they were all over the place.
Ongar started brightly and had a squad of 17 for the day, although they did not use any subs.
Jeddy had returned and started on the bench, he said that he wanted to take a step back and move into management. He therefore followed John Minns round the pitch like a lost puppy and had a look of love, lust and sexual desire in his eyes.
John Minns was rather perturbed by this and has since bought a stun gun and a baseball bat. Although they were seen to leave the pitch at half time and returned rather sweaty with big smiles across their faces.
He later explained that he was testing Jeddy out as a human speed bump in the carpark and that the results were very satisfactory.
Ongar playing with the slope managed to score first. James Nott who has now moved to London to work in a clinic specialising in touching men scored a good backs move. Jack Smith wearing a man garter and devilish smile passed to Jon Browning who did one of the backs moves and somehow after something or other Notty scored. Someone passed to someone who collected off someone who did something and Jeddy bang bang there was a try.
With Ongar taking the lead the cat calls from the Upminster fans became more vociferous, this spurred on their team.
Upminster pulled back and converted a try. This can be completely blamed on Nick Cronjeager. He wasn’t at the game but even with him in America playing naked tiddlywinks with over 60s swingers is enough to cause Ongar problems on the pitch. Peanut has been away for a few weeks now and still his festering pants remain in the club house stinking the place out. Although there is a rumour floating about that the reason he has fled to America is to get away from Mark Jones’ touching.
Ongar welcomed back Captain Choper meat hammer of Long fellow. Or to give his full name Ian Chopper slabwhack bloated appendage Montgomery Penny Blake Springate.
He has recovered from his recent alcoholic bender and was planning on proposing to Dave Lewis after the game. Sadly Dave was away bird watching. Dave has been twitching since 1976 and remains one of Britain’s top birders. He can stop at it anywhere.
Ongar piled on the pressure and almost camped in the Upminster half. For one moment it resembled the occupy London scenes at Trafalgar square just minus the smelly people.
Simon Franklin scored the try that seemed to be always coming after a monumental amount of pressure from the Ongar back. Aaron Hardy converted and this week was wearing a skull cap.
Sadly this was the last of the points Ongar would get in the game. Upminster were down at half time but not out.
The second half Ongar were greeted with a barrage from the Upminster team. They used their pitch to their advantage to keep them subdued and deservedly levelled the score.
Upminster took the lead after a long range penalty sailed over.
Ongar spent the rest of the game bombarding the Upminster team, but alas nothing worked to their advantage. They even turned down a late penalty to try and get the win. Sadly this did not come and when the final whistle went the Ongar players felt completely demoralised and gutted. They had tried and pushed as hard as they could but come up just short.
It is a hard pill to swallow losing like this when you know you should and could have won; but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
Flanker Dale Jackson after the game said: ‘I am gutted and need a Jeddy hug’. Team token special Tom Bristow was asked for a quote but just smiled and Dave Blake was inconsolable and could be found curled up in the arms of Matt Dodd who wasn’t wearing any pants.


3rd March 2012
Southend 73 – 0 Ongar
The 3rd of March was the 63rd day of this leap year and many events over time have happened on this day. In 1966 colour television was announced in the UK. Mark Jones can recall many days spent watching black and white TV and having to go outside to use the toilet. Although he says that he can also remember Victoria’s funeral!
This date also saw in 1985 the end of the miner’s strike and in 2002 saw the cuckoo clock making chocolatiers of Switzerland join the EU. In 2009 the Sri Lankan cricket team were attacked in Pakistan and in 1878 Bulgaria is liberated from Turkey which we all know Jeddy did singlehandedly.
Elvis Pressley made his first TV appearance on this date in 1955 and the next year on this date Morocco gains independence from France.
Many events have happened on this most glorious of days; The British Antarctic territory is formed, Grenada gains independence from Britain, Jack Smith wakes up in Mark Jones’ house with some strange bruises, the last Russian Tsar abdicates and the premier of King Kong opens in New York.
On the 3rd of March 1991 Los Angeles police officers savagely beat Rodney King, this 3rd of march Ongar took a beating slightly like that and lost 73-0.
The reason for the loss was simple. There was no Jeddy. He was off on another adventure.
Fresh from his success with the muppets movie he was flush with cash and has paid for an expedition to take a grand piano to the top of Everest. His ambition is to play chopsticks in the thin air at massive altitude. This expedition is costing a great deal as all the Sherpa’s that he has hired have been kitted out in full bondage gear from the most expensive of Soho boutiques. He is incommunicado at the moment because his telephones were confiscated by the Chinese authorities as he crossed into Tibet; but deep down we know that he will succeed.
Jeddy, the man. The legend, the hero of the people. Prince among men and King of the Gingers. We salute you and your bravery!



17th March 2012
Writtle 57 – 12 Ongar
Try: Franklin, Browning
Con: Browning

This hastily arranged friendly gave Ongar a competitive run out against a strong Writtle first team. Ongar rang round and quickly managed to gather 16 players for the day. Although once again Jeddy was missing in action.
Rumours have it that Kofi Annan has asked Jeddy to be his personal assistant in his role as UN envoy in Syria. There is also another story that Jeddy is in Antarctica as the new Scott- Amundsen base commander.
Although the Sun on Sunday reported that Jeddy was in fact masterminding the Chelmsford council bid to make the town a city. As they won in the jubilee city draw they have taken him out and dined him up. He therefore has ballooned in size and is stuck in the Trotter towers in Hutton.

Whatever the true story Ongar missed him and his manliness against Writtle. Coach John Minns remarked that he would have made all the difference and sometimes a powerful prop like Jeddy can lift a team.
The first half was one to forget for Ongar. They thought this may be another Southend incident. By that I don’t mean fishmongers in drag molesting you on the pier.
They were bullied like England bullied the Irish and conceded far too many sloppy points.
Ongar had yet to register a point at half time.

Ongars second half performance saw some great individual displays and a much better all over team performance. So much so that they won the second half but could not rescue the match.
Team masseuse Carl Regelous came off the bench to make his long awaited debut. He has been finally given the go ahead to play after his gender realignment surgery. He used to be known as Cindy back in the 90s. The doctors have done a wonderful job and he keeps his old bras in a box just in case Nick Cronjaeger balloons in size and needs them.
He gave a gutsy performance as flanker and moved around the park like a young gazelle.
Martin Buckley started as flanker but moved to second row when Jack Pickett had to go off to hunt a walrus. Martin played very well and it is good to see him back in an Ongar shirt. Although his partner in crime Liam Brandwith is still unavailable to play. Liam is still behind bars for crimes against the Cock Tavern.
Ongar scored their first points in the game early in the second half. Simon Franklin did his usual to score an amazing 22nd try of the season from 17 games. The boy is a try machine and just seems to go from strength to strength.
Soon the villagers of Willinggale will take to the streets and march in homage to their new found hero and leader and protector of the village way of life.
Simon said after the game that he will soon publish a pamphlet on his village manifesto. Titled ‘Villagers and how to love cows’. His pamphlet will underline his ideas on udder hugging and pig antagonising; not to mention how to cultivate Jeddys in the rich Willinggale soil.

Unfortunately Jon Brownwing playing out of position at number 8 missed the conversion attempt as he was dreaming of Latin girls and Jack Smith doing the rumba.
Jon Browning took over the kicking duties this game because Aaron Hardy was away up north. Aaron has become a Gideon and is planting Bibles in hotel rooms around the country. Each one he autographs and seals with a kiss. So far his good work has taken him too many exotic places like Worksop and Altringham!
The Ongar forwards managed to get into their stride in this game in the second half and were more ferocious in the scrum. Sam Minns sporting an African accent for the day was his usual marauding self. Michael Blake was unavailable as he was off fighting crime dressed as Freddie Mercury so Neil Springate started and grunted around the park like Dave Lewis on heat.
Andy Surrage and Tom Bristow put in two good performances. Tom was a little upset as he came into this game a lot of money down from losing continually at Cheltenham.
Jack Smith played with gusto and brought along a new friend. I cannot remember his name. It may have been Louie or Kenny, or Len or Trevor. Let’s call him Trevor as it sounds nice.

Ongar finally managed to get on the score sheet again in the second half. Jon Browning scored and converted his own try. I asked him to describe it and this is what he said. ‘I ran past their entire team, chipped it up and caught my own kick, they I ran between the post and scored what can only be called an epic try’.
Team Muscle-bound hunk and all round sexual god Matthew Adcock had other ideas when describing the try. ‘I think it was rather boring to be honest; I could have done better. Look at my biceps boys’!
Sadly that was all the point Ongar managed to get and Writtle won with a comfortable margin in the end.
After the game Captain Chopper Longfellow of sirloin kebab of doom said, ‘I still cannot grow a moustache’.
Next week is a big game against Upminster in the cup semi-final. Let’s hope Ongar can put in a performance that will live long in the memory and make Keith Wood don his speedos on tour.



24/3/2012
Cup Semi Final
Upminster 15 – 14 Ongar
Tries: Blake, Franklin
Cons: Hardy (2)

The sun was shining and the weather was beautiful for this big cup occasion. Ongar were at the ground and warming up early. They had a full squad and were in the mood for blood. Upminster had twice defeated the Os this season; and the last time was a match were Ongar should have won and went for the winning try but it was to no avail. They came away from the game utterly dejected. Therefore this match they wanted to hold their heads up high and avenge their loss.
Sadly this was never going to be the case and the match was riddled with anti-Ongar sentiment. At moments it felt like Ongar were the tiny protestor trying to save their country cottage from the demolition and creation of a bypass. The diggers slowly approaching and only you were there to protect it with a placard.

Nothing went Ongar’s way on the day. Fly half Zane who can kick like a mule had to go off early as his back was playing up. A re-jigging in the backs therefore was necessary.
Upminster scored a pushover try which was very much to the annoyance of Michael Blake.
Then Upminster scored again and both of their tries were converted. I can’t be bothered to describe their tries as they were not that all impressive and we should have done better to be honest.
The re-jigging of the backs was not helped by a certain desertion. Nick Cronjaejer had refused to turn up for the game because his large head had been spotted by a television production company and he would be appearing on embarrassing bodies. Dr. Christian took one look at his large summit at the top of his head and declared that there was nothing for it but to put him to sleep.
In reality Nick was appearing in a football version of come dine with me. I did watch it and he is up against two women. One who is young and sexist and the other who is middle aged, sex starved and keeps guinea pigs. So in truth there should be no competition. But somehow he will muck it up and loose to one of the guinea pigs.
My favourite quote from him was: “where are you hiding your wombles”. The 50 plus year old woman with teeth like a graveyard giggled and the flirtation began.
Another of my personal favourites was: “I am allergic to lemons”. What I want to know is what happens if he eats a lemon, maybe his large head is a reaction to his lemon zest shampoo?
Peanut went to an AFC Wimbledon game and obviously was overcome by the free flowing football because he said that the woman with the George Formby teeth “tactically knew everything”. What a mug.
He also wore a jumper that made him look like he had moobs and strutted down the garden path. I cannot wait for next weeks instalment so I can write more abusive and completely true facts about the eight wonder of the world. Mr. Everest head himself.

On a serious note I hope he wins and I hope he can get a photo of Jeddy on TV somehow. But he was a contributing factor to us losing!
Talking of Jeddy he was away once again. He is genuinely missing in action and we all believe that he is training the army to drive fuel tankers. But there was a rumour floating about that Jeddy is in hiding as he was a member of disgraced French politician and economist Dominique Strauss-Khan’s sex ring.
Back to the game….
With Ongar under the cosh they upped a gear and got back into the game. Dave Blake complete with laryngitis managed to power through a few hopeless tackles and put the ball down. You had to put the ball down immediately after crossing the try line because if you took another step you were off the pitch and rolling down a small hillock.
The pitch was of the most odd proportions ever. It was like a stumpy chode to be honest.
Aaron Hardy stepped up and kicked the conversion with ease. His recent Bible tour of Newcastle had obviously done him good.
The stage was set for an Ongar fight back in the second half. Belief was strong and spirits were high. Pete Hovell turned up for the second half straight from work and Sam Minns had to hobble off because of injury. But he came back on later as a front row replacement. My god he is so money supermarket!
The second half was strewn with chances and incidents. Ben Whateley-Harris on his first game since December had a couple of darting runs only for the referee to blow up for some infringement that never happened. The referee became quite whistle happy and was blowing up against Ongar for anything that he could think of.
Although Upminster didn’t seem to get the whistle at all. Even though they were flopping over the ball and making no effort to release or roll away. On one occasion the ref shouted release and John Berry had released a good 5 seconds before. Then he got pinged for it to the astonishment of the Ongar faithful. Coach John Minns
And Mike Blake’s dad was very vociferous on the matter.


Then came the incident of the match. Carl Regelous who was playing well out of position at full back was tackled. Well I say tackled; he was hoisted into the air and picked up above the horizontal. His feet were above the head of both the tackler and the onrushing Ongar defender. Then he was pushed to the floor and all could hear the hollow thud of ribcage rattling against internal organs as he went down.
His hips were above his waist and it was a tackle much worse than Sam Warburton in the world cup against Vincent Clerc. The crowd roared and shouted, the players surrounded the perpetrator. Surely he must be sent off as Carl lay winded and writhing in agony in the dirt.
It was a clear straight red. But would the referee see it that way.
You have guessed it, he saw something completely different. Jess Hartig our resident photographer and underpants critic captured the moment on camera. The photograph says it all. Red card!
The referee however saw a little pony trotting in a meadow of wild flowers and a small child playing with a kite.
Because the referee said and I quote: “I am not giving a yellow because there was no intent”. How the hell can there have been no intent. If there was no intent he would not have attempted to tackle Carl and would have skipped out of the way. Of course he had intent; he was intending to tackle him. He intended to smash him to the ground and most certainly he intended to hurt him. Ridiculous refereeing decision and just another example of how everything went Upminsters way.
The referee didn’t even have a word with the player. It was plain stupid and showed a complete lack of control over the game.
Players were off their feet at every ruck. Once again the referee didn’t see that, unless it was of curse by an Ongar player and then the whistle went faster than Tom Bristow running to the clinic.
Players tackling then going back in for the ball. Once again this was missed by the man with the whistle. He classed hands in the ruck when it wasn't even formed! No player form the other team was on side at any one time. When we questioned this the referee said that the player was onside because it was the second pass. Somehow the fat inside centre had run a good 20-30 meters in 1 second flat. That makes him faster than Usain Bolt. But according to the referee he was onside.
He obviously could run that fast as he demonstrated his electric speed to the referee throughout the game by almost having a heart attack and lolloping around.
Still the most serious issue was the tackle on Carl. He could have cracked his neck and is still feeling it this week. Surely the referee was negligent and should have sin binned the offending player.
Ongar were riled by this and finally after some good work from the Ongar pack Simon Franklin was set free. He ran like he was running for the mobile library, sorry knowledge wagon and did a very camp version of the Ash splash to score. Aaron Hardy slotted over his second conversion of the game to make the match within Ongar’s grasp.
The last five minutes of the game were a complete joke. Upminster were given 5 penalties in the dying moments. Some for reasons we have yet to fathom out. Thy kept kicking attempts at goal and missing them. So the referee would give them another attempt until they finally did score. With a one point lead time suddenly ran out and Ongar had lost and felt dejected.
Everyone had put in 100%. Well almost everyone Peanut was off chatting up that horrible woman’s teeth.
Jack Smith has kicked his socks off. Andy Surrage had juggled positions. John Berry was walking wounded having turned his ankle.
Dave Blake could hardly speak, Carl Regelous had had to go off injured and Michael Blake was utterly dejected.
Everyone had put in their all. On another day with another referee we would have come out on top.
We can be proud of that game and this season. The atmosphere at the club is a pleasure to be in. Everyone loves to play and train and drink and have fun. Ongar’s first season in the merits has been a complete success because as a club we are stronger, bigger, better and happier.

Not one bad word has been spoken all season by any player to another. The club can only get stronger as we move forward and the comments after the game by players and supporters and randoms standing naked on the side-lines all echoed that fact.
Sadly we won’t be at Southend to play Southend in the final. Let’s hope they dick on Upminster and ruin their day.
Lastly Ongar said two good byes and good lucks this week. Mad Matt Dodd has flown off for his second spell in Afghanistan. We all wish him lcuk and hope that he stays out of trouble and returns safely to wear an Ongar shirt soon.
Jon Browning has also departed these fair shores for a life in Spain as a chorizo botherer. He will be based in Madrid and his job role includes going into delis and molesting salami and chorizo. Something he did in this country.
Good luck to him and his wandering hands. Mark Jones was see trying into an old pair of pants which we believe did belong to Jon.

Finally, what does happen if Peanut eats a lemon?

14/4/12
Ongar 49-0 Witham
Tries: Adcock (3), Hardy (2), Whateley-Harris, Louie, Franklin
Cons: Hardy (2), Smith
Pens: Hardy

Ongar ended their season on a resounding high with a full throttle performance against a shell shocked Witham.
The score line however didn’t fully reflect the game and for periods of the match Ongar were pinned back but held out resolutely against all that Witham could throw against them.
Ongar fielded a young team and only two players who started the match were over 30. This is a first in modern times for Ongar who this year have seen a massive influx of young players and bum fluff faces.
Ongar scored first with a penalty from the boot of Aaron Hardy. Although Ongar ran in 8 tries that game Aaron managed to only slot two home. He blamed his miskicking on the fact that he has forsaken all normal religions for scientology. This and the fact that his twin brother in the form of the massive cyst on his back pulls him to the side and every time he kicks at the posts he is permanently off balance.
The game started to come to life after Ongar had kicked that penalty and soon it was free flowing and tries started to come. Louise playing at centre managed to dart his way past all evading tackles to score a Manu Tuilagi of a try which Aaron duly missed the conversion.

Witham were pinned back onto their line as Ongar played crash ball after crash ball. Tom Bristow tried to muscle over but his chode just wasn’t strong enough. Sop Ben Whateley-Harris had to show him how it was done and muscled and burrowed his way over the line and throw a mound of Witham defensive bodies. Chode was most perturbed and sulked for the rest of the game. He only perked up when it was revealed that he was the new tour virgin master.

Aaron Hardy scored a try somehow in the game but to be honest I forgot what happened. According to Sminns Aaron ran like a gazelle and sprang over the try line like a horny Michael Barrymore into a swimming pool. So that’s how it happened then!

Witham had turned up with a lack of front row so the game was played uncontested from the off. This limited Ongars power in the scrum and took away one of their most potent weapons. However the Ongar forwards competed in the lien out well and stole many balls. Neil Springate for the first time lasted a game, the extra saved effort of scrimmaging seemed to make his Duracell bunny last longer.
Sam Minns was vociferous in defence and attack and would marauder forward with the ball hollering obscenities like a drunken sailor. With the absence of his father and team coach he became very boisterous and even after the game dressed like a tree with green jeans, jumper and brown shoes. A lovely combo which I am sure will be fined on tour.

Jack Smith played well at ten and managed to convert a massive conversion when he took over the kicking duties. Aaron Hardy had missed far too many kicks and was seen talking to his evil lump on his back which is slowly polluting his mind and taking over his body.
John at nine played a great game and showed fantastic ball carrying skills going forward. He controlled the backs and distributed the balls well. He was unlucky not to get on the score sheet himself. After the game he and Louise showed Jack just how a mucky pint should be down. They downed it without spillage or mincing!

Matthew Adcock played a blinder, not bad for a man who is just so immense and cannot even get through doors. He ran in an impressive hat trick. Witham were over committed and his massive bulk used the overlap to pounce like Peanut in Ann Summers.
Talking of Peanut the lemon botherer; once again he was missing in action because he was appearing on television. When I say appearing he is basically being made to say what the producers want and stare at a scary cat women’s graveyard teeth.
Biggerman’s three tries are worth mentioning in great detail. But this would inflate his already massive ego and he would become unbearable. He missed the last game as he was almost getting arrested in Victoria station! Silly biggerman put something in his mouth in public which he should not have done. He did this in front of the police and escaped by running away and hiding in a bin where he found Jeddy. Jeddy once again was missing in action.
Last week he was mediating in Syria and this week he was raising £250,000 so he could have dinner with David Cameron.
Captain Ian Springate said: ‘Once again we were missing that killer instinct; if only Jeddy was here. Oh he is so manly and perfectly formed in every area’.
Simon Franklin managed to get in on the scoring as well. It is not an Ongar victory is Simon from the village does not score. This week he brought with him his parents. They were given special permission by the chief villager otherwise known as the wickerman to leave to village to cheer their son on. They stood on the sideline watching in awe as Simon scored another trademark fast paced udder milking try. This was his last time to shower with the lads after the game. He turned this opportunity down stating that Ben scares him!
Simon once sat on edge all through Sherlock Holmes on a team cinema trip because he though Ben would get him; Ben didn’t get him and Simon couldn’t enjoy the film because he was so jumpy.

Michael Blake went off in the second half to be replaced by John Berry. When JB came on the average age of the team shot up by ten years and Dave Lewis gave a sigh of relief that he wasn’t the oldest on the pitch anymore.
When Dave Lewis was asked if he was coming on tour he gave the same excuse that he has given for the past 6 years now; ‘I am not allowed and if I stray too far from home my thumb print on my heat throbs; in a way I am like Harry Potter when Voldermort is close’.
Ongar had some scrappy moments in the second half and almost allowed Witham to get back into the game. But they stood firm and did not allow Witham through. Alan Elvin used his new found prison guard powers to create some mazy runs and Dale Jackson used his Chinese awesomeness to create havoc.
There was a break in play as one of the Witham players went down. Michael Blake then had a paddy on the sidelines. He was called on to bring on the water and as he didn’t want to move he started to stamp his feet and huff and puff. Dave Lewis and Sam Minns then uttered naughty words which made Blakey stamp even more and make some noises reminiscent to Jeddy on heat.
The game was well and truly wrapped up when Matthew Adcock scored his hat trick. The final whistle went and beers were consumed by all.
Captain Chopper Longfellow said after the game;’ I am so proud of my boys, this season has been a joy, I want to buy you all drinks on tour’.
Ongar have bonded over this year and created a team that everyone wants to play for. The Captain along with his chopper have worked hard to build a team based on team spirit and camaraderie. In a way Ongar are now like the French foreign legion with their espirit de corps. They may not have run away with their league and lost in the cup semi final but they have played with heart and soul and fun and banter.
On a final note Upminster were very annoyed with our last match report. Oh dear at least they lost in the final even when they played ringers!!!!! ......................................... ......................................... ......................................... ......................................... Tour match Sunday 22nd April 2011 Brockworth XV 44 – 22 Ongar touring side Tries: Hardy (2), Blake (apparently), Smith Cons: Hardy (1) The early morning sun came up and lit up the station hotel in Gloucester. Coughs, splutters and groans greeted the morning. Ongar players somehow managed to shuffle out of bed and make it down to breakfast. All still inebriated from the nights before and some still off their faces and sporting unidentified drinking injuries. The coughs and moaning grew louder so there was nothing left for it; the beers were cracked open. The tour match pre game warm up consisted of many hand to mouth movements as the sweet, sweet beer was consumed. Brockworth gave us a warm welcome. Although some of their spectators we could not understand because of their Gloucestershire drawl. Their pitch over looked Cooper’s Hill the sight of the world famous cheese rolling; Martin Buckley was doing some rolling of his own. He had to roll Liam Brandwith out of bed and put him to sleep in the opposition changing rooms. The game started at a frantic pace for a touring side still drunk and getting drunker. The water bottles were frequently called on and had the strange taste of beer inside them. Suddenly out of the blue Ongar scored a try. The cheerleaders shouting through traffic cones went wild and danced around like there was no tomorrow. To be honest I cannot remember in what order the points were scored; all I can remember is that Ongar went ahead and then succumbed to alcoholic disarray where all sorts of nonsense happened. After Ongar took the leads Brockworth though back and never looked over their shoulder again. The score line was slightly flattering but all the same Ongar gave it their drunken all and played with a smile on their faces. At one point Nick Cronjaeger playing at scrum half kicked the ball straight to one of their players who ran down the wing to score. He hung his head In shame, or was it just drooping because of the weight of it. Michael Blake stepped up to take the kick off. He dropped the ball delicately as he swung his leg. Missed it and the ball bobbled back over the line and past where he stood. Jack Pickett then stood up and hoofed a near perfect ball up field but was too busy waving at Tom Bristow and dancing on the side-lines to see the counter attack. Pickett at one point stopped playing, put his hands on his hips and turned to the sidelines and shouted ‘beer’. On came Tom the Chode like a good little water boy. The game wasn’t even in a dead ball situation, Pickett just wanted his beer. Brockworth came back at Ongar after they had scored their second and only converted try. One of the above people on the score sheet and I cannot remember how it happened but it was Jeddy awesome. As Brockworth attacked a call came from the sidelines. ‘Dead ants’, every Ongar player dropped on the floor and Brockworth looked on in amazement as they crossed the line. One of their tries shouldn’t have been allowed as the winger ran out of the pitch into the field and back on again. The ref was as drunk as us though and it stood. By this time the cheerleaders were really vociferous and had begun to chant songs at their adoptive new lover. The Brockworth number 14 was hailed with cries of ‘I want your babies’ and ‘go go go you big strong boy’. All game they pestered this poor lad who for one moment thought he had found two long lost brothers. Jack Smith performed an amazing trip tackle on one of their players who thought it was a trip. He rounded and squared up. The entire crowd and all players in unison let out a big ‘Oooooooh’ and he realised his mistake and carried on playing. As the game grew longer Ongar began to tire. Carl Regelous ran his little legs off even though he was wearing leggings at the time. Aaron Hardy was subjected to a torrent of abuse from the home crowd. Every time he touched the ball they shouted ‘Yetti’ at him. This continued all game. If only Aaron had shown them his lump on his back and they would have shouted Quasimodo instead. Sam Minns grunted a lot in that game. As it was another game where his father was not watching he allowed himself to utter some naughty words and then later on show all the boys how he runs naked. Also while John Minns was away Daniel Riley showed everyone his manliness and awesome abilities by playing a stormer. He said after the game that he doesn’t like to show John his abilities because he doesn’t want to make him jealous. John also puts him under a lot of pressure and an ice like glare. Half time came and Ongar limped off. Michael Blake vomited in the bushes and staggered up the slope with streaming eyes dibbling and muttering something about needing beer. The second half started and one of Browkworth’s players sped free with the ball. He was chased down by Jack Pickett and Kevin Whittaker who arrived ten minutes after he had already left. The game ended and someone said that Michael Blake scored. Everyone asked to see if anyone had seen it. No one said that they had so it is still a mystery of who crossed the line. Blakey is claiming it but he is also claiming Jeddy’s trotter for himself and has made claims on all the players yet un-conceived daughters when they turn 18. After the game Brockworth treated us to a good meal and a game of skittles. In turn we treated them to mass nudity and the uselessness of Jeddy downing a mucky pint. A great tour rounded off with a great fun, drunken and very silly game. It is a shame Liam missed it while asleep in the toilet! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Unders verses Overs Match report UNDERS 52 – 45 OVERS Unders tries: Franklin (2), Smith (2), Crisp (2), Springate (2), Adcock (2) Cons: Smith (1) Overs tries: R. Jones (2),Lewis (2), M. Jones , Berry, Knight, A little girl! Cons: Lewis (2),Knight, R. Jones, Berry, A little girl! Normally the under’s verses overs would be a sunny day when all the old gits would dust off their walking sticks and try and teach those young pups a thing or two. Over the years we have lost so many overs to ill health and injuries and probably jail. Therefore this year’s match would be a more subdued affair. Only a couple of years ago we had two full teams and played a full 80 minutes with substitutes along for the ride. Maybe it was the awful weather this year but it ended up at as 8 a side game. Many first team players didn’t turn up and the usual oldies were either working, away or couldn’t bend their knees any more. As the players rolled up for the day there was a distinct lack of overs. Therefore the age range which had already been dropped from 30 to 30 had to be dropped to an all-time low of 23. The overs team therefore consisted of: John Berry, Dave Lewis, Beastie, Barry Knight, Richard Jones, Mark Jones, Andy Surrage, Aaron Hardy, Michael Blake, a guy called Gerry and at the end of the game a little girl who game on from the side-lines. The Under’s team were: Simon ‘Villager of the year’ Franklin, Jack ‘Clinic check’ Smith, Jonny Crisp, Matthew Adcock, Ian Springate and his meat hammer of love, Jack Pickett, Daniel ‘Jeddy’ Riley, Sam Minns. The rain hammered down and the crowd of about 6 people and a dog stood on the side-lines shivering in willies and watching on. The usual thing happened in an Under’s overs game. The Over’s tries to use their experience and bulk to put gun the overs. But playing on a full size pitch in what was almost a sevens game the Under’s had the advantage and ran rings around them. They scored many tries in the corners by out pacing their older opponent’s. This is a reason why there was only one dropped goal conversion. At half time the Under’s were resolutely winning 27-0. But you could see they were tired and cold and were battered from the overs. The second half started brightly but you could see the fire in the Under’s eyes had gone out. They allowed the overs back into the game. Although the overs were out gunned in the number of tries they scored. 7 to the Under’s 10, they were much more consistent in their kicking and wrapped up ten points from the boot alone. The second half was where it all happened. The first half was all about rugby; the second half was all about mistakes, comedy and mickey taking. Jack Smith tried to goose stepped the entire team before being minced. Mark Jones needed special stick gloves as he kept dropping the ball all the time. Let’s hope when he is a granddad that eh wont keep dropping the baby. Richard Jones roared like Aslan as he rampaged hair blowing in the wind like a Timotei advert gone wrong. Then it happened. Dave Lewis, the man who shouts ‘Sparta’ and ‘Diesel power’ during games was the victim of what we can only describe as an assault. He was his usual marauding self until he lost possession. Jeddy had the ball and Dave chased him down like a Lion chases an antelope. They twisted and turned and Dave was abut to pounce. Then ‘POW’, a Jeddy hand off right in the kisser. Dave went flying into the dirt. After the game in the bar he was sporting a couple of scratches and a large handprint on his face from the power of those ginger fingers. Oh Jeddy what a hero. Poor old Dave was so embarrassed that he said he will retire and go and live up a mountain somewhere. The overs managed to get a few tries and claw their way back into the game but they could not cope with the pace of the youngsters. Once there was a breakaway in the game they trotting along behind in a vain attempt to catch them. It was always with only 8 a side going to be a foot race to decide this game. The match ended and everyone was soaked to the skin. Not a complete washout but it wasn’t the turnout of days of old. Lets hope next year brings sun and motivates those who didn’t turn up to come down.

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