Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Gym pet hates

Being an avid gym user of many years I have seen a fair few things come and go inside the mirrored walls.

Some strange, some odd and many downright dangerous.

When you are a fitness nut like me and spend a lot of your spare time doing anything sporting or active you find yourself in gyms and you notice all that goes on around you.

The following is a list of my absolute gym pet hates. I feel I can comment on techniques etc because unlike many gym users I have all my personal training qualifications plus a load of other sporting coaching badges and levels and such and so forth.

Here are a list of my gym pet hates.

The gimp

The gym gimp is someone who wanders into the gym and has little or no idea what he or she is doing at all.

They watch other people which really is disconcerting when you see their pale and clammy face staring aimlessly at you.

They watch like a filthy voyeur and see what you are doing. Once you have moved off they try and copy what you did but getting everything wrong in the process.

The poser
Everyone knows one of these wankers.
They can be found usually in one of those stupid vests where you can see their nipples and wearing grey tracksuit bottoms to hide the fact that they never do any leg work and therefore their legs are so skinny and pathetic.

They stand in front of the mirror repeatedly doing bicep curls. Normally swinging their shoulders and not doing the curl correctly which infuriates me.

They hog machines and never do any cardio vascular work.
These are some of my worst gym wankers!

The screamer
The screamer strikes suddenly and without warning.
Even if you have your ear phones on and are pottering about your zone is fractured by a ridiculous scream from somewhere in the gym.
The person normally is over on the bench press and is letting out some sort of primeval cry for help.

All quietens down and you get back to your own business and turn your ipod volume up until it happens again and again and each time it gets increasingly louder.

The inappropriate attire person
This is mostly aimed at men. Especially the ones who think it is k to go topless in the gym, wear plimsoll or jeans. Or even worse wear sandals in the free weights area.
Normally any good gym will stamp down on this but unfortunately there is a breed of just got my level 2 gimps working in gyms who have no life experience, the body of a 12 year old and cannot look anyone in the eye. Therefore they have no authority to stamp down any rule and hide behind a desk playing angry birds.

If you are going to a gym please wear the appropriate clothing.

The useless personal trainer
So many people seem to have got some sort of personal training qualifications these days.
Some personal trainers look the part; they seem fit, healthy, dressed correctly and do not jst carry round a clip board. They get down and demonstrate or even better do all the exercises, reps, routines etc with you.
These are the good ones.
Then you have the clipboard wielding, I can't get sweaty knobs.
These ones seem to be everywhere. They are always really loud and annoying as always get so close to you.
Many of these are perverts who letch over female clients, especially when they do assisted stretching which I am sure you can do fine without doing some sort of groin rub.

Older personal trainers I think look odd. Normally they have failed relationships and a life full of disappointment. I can name quite a few of them who are just plain odd, have no friends and really put off gym customers.
There are a few around the Brentwood and Ongar area that I would love to name and shame.

The think I know it all
These tossers are the ones who come up to others and try and coach them. They give advice on technique, posture and spinal alignment etc and look like utter donkeys themselves. If you cannot do it yourself stop trying to coach others.
Now piss off and do some more cardio!

The running sweat river
I sweat a lot because I work hard. Although some people cannot help it I hate it when a human sweat machine has slobbered all over a machine and left it looking like it was hit by a tsunami.
Please wipe down the machines after use you ignorant toss wipe.
The whooper

The ridiculous pacer
The ridiculous pacer is someoneis gets ona  treatmill and will jog for maybe 3 to 4 minutes. Then they whack up the pseed to full tilt and sprint for maybe 7 seconds before jumping off and looking around to see if they have impressed anyone.
I would be more impressed if you lst yur footing and flew off into a mirror where you cut your self to ribbons.

The social club members
Since when did gyms become a place where people gathered around and chatted and did not attempt to use anything or do anything but hog all the space.
Sometimes they chatter away with one hand holding maybe say a cable fromt he crossover machine and when you ask to use it they reply that they are using it.
No you are not! You have nattered about bloody spot cream and how you want to lose your virginity for the last ten minutes. Let the adults play you knob!

I believe kids should be in the gym. It promotes motor skills and development. But keep out of the free weights if you have no idea what you are doing. Especially when there is a school group in and they have one teacher who is off in another room as a chaperon.
As soon as they teacher is done they try and lift the heaviest weight which inevitably drops to the floor narrowly missing a foot.
Then they try and turn up the speed on machines that other kids are on and are genuinely a bloody nuisance.

The injury waiting to happen

Normally the injury waiting to happen is the deluded I have no idea what I am doing or the poser.
The poser will only work on upper body and will swing his shoulders when doing a bicep curl.
The I have no idea what I am doing is like a ticking time bomb anything could happen.
These watchers who scan the room for someone doing something else and watch them then can be found choking under a barbell with legs flailing .
It's true. I have had to pull the bar from the smith machine off someones throat as they though 'I can lift that' and clearly couldn't.

Lack of personal hygiene man

This person makes me feel sick. They have been sweating it out in the gym either on a treadmill or huffing and puffing in the free weights area.
Then after they leave the gym and enter the changing rooms they ignore those most cleansing of things; namely  the showers.
They quickly towel off their sweat ad put a suit or jeans back on and go about their daily business.
Do these people have no sense of smell or comprehension of hygiene. 
It is utterly disgusting.

Mr. No legs

Last but by means not least this is my personal favorite gym pet hate.
The person who has skinny legs.
Not a genuinely skinny person, just a person who never trains them and looks top heavy and wears skinny jeans.
I cannot wear skinny jeans, one because my legs are too big but also because they make you look like an effeminate wimp.
I know it is the fashionable thing of the moment but you do look like a twat. Meggings, now these are the worse but I wont go there.

This obsession with upper body perplexes me. The legs are our foundation of strength along with our core. Why do people neglect them.
These same people also wander round sipping on protein shakes all the time and popping pills!

Sorry about this gym rant but I have just about had enough and want to scream and shout at people when I am in the gym.
Luckily my gym has just been renovated and I have new things to play with.

So before a doo is in anyway furthered. I am off to the gym (in correct attire of course).


  1. I could not agree more. Tossers the lot of them.
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