Writtle 0 -103 Ongar
Tries: Whateley-Harris (4), Franklin (4), Bristow (2), Blake
(2), Elvin (2), Smith, Regelous.
Cons: Hardy (2),
Fenner (8)
Silly injuries and limping off: Hardy
Ongar
bounced back from their defeat against the many faces of Ilford Wanderers and
the two week layoff due to snow with a stonking victory against Writtle.
They recorded their biggest victory since the 100 -0
thrashing of Ravens back in 2008. It was the clubs second highest score ever
after a 113 -0 victory against a team called Orwell when Ongar played in black
and white and Mark Jones had knees.
However Ongar could and should have broken that record but
the match ended ten minutes early.
After frozen pitch, snow drifts and Jeddy leading Aaron
Hardy off on a merry dance across the channel it was nice to get back on the
field of play and pull on the blue and gold shirt.
A fresh faced young Ongar team rocked up to Writtle eager
for blood. Only 4 players were over the majestic age of 30 in the match day
squad and we fielded a few teenagers to boot.
They were incredibly up for the game as even the perennially
late changer Michael Blake had managed to squeeze himself into his kit at 9am.
Ongar started very brightly, Jeddy was playing like a demon
after his discovery of Richard III’s body in a Leicester car park.
Writtle kicked off and after what seemed a matter of seconds
Simon Franklin did his usual. Not his usual as in doing his business in the
local knowledge wagon; his usual as he ran, no one caught him and he scored.
Two early tries allowed Aaron Hardy to slot over the extras
but then tragedy befell Aaron. Our usual saviour at ten, our hero, our leader
on the field and our protector of the faith was down injured and crying like a
child who had lost their favourite Dave Blake action figure.
Aaron ran with the ball and suddenly fell down like Neil Springate’s
trousers in public. He let out a terrifying scream that set all the rooks in
the nearby trees flying away.
Aaron lay in a pool of his own tears and was gingerly helped
off the pitch. By that I mean he was carried off and was not chased off by
Jeddy.
He lay howling on the side-lines with rage that he had let
his team down. While everyone on the pitch sighed with relief as now we had a
replacement ten who could pass and wasn’t associated with the peeping Tom
alliance group.
Carl Regelous who had arrived late was thrust into the
action and came off the bench to fill in at full back while everyone’s favourite
Joey Barton look-a-like and clinical test victim Jack Smith filled in at ten.
Carl made an immediate impact when Jack lofted the ball down
the pitch. Ben Whateley-Harris chased the ball and beat the entire Writtle team
bar the scrum half to the ball. Writtle’s scrum half picked the ball up off the
ground, stood up, turned round and was flattened like the Beast of Brentwood
falling on Tom Bristow.
The ball flew out of his hands and bobbled nicely for the
onrushing Carl who put the ball between the posts for a simple try.
Simon then started to run around with his man udders swaying
in the breeze and had added another try before you could say ‘Jeddy Jeddy Bang
Bang’.
Dave Blake then got in on the action and muscled his way
through some tackles to shrug off the opposition and score in the corner.
Jack Smith failed with his attempts at converting so Ralton
Fenner was promoted to chief raspberry picker and kicker for the match. Jack
said he had a touch of the Brentwood wobbles and his kicking feet had gone to jelly.
Tom Bristow then scored in the corner and smiled like a loon
after doing so. He was so happy that afterwards he sabotaged the super bowl and
made the silly American version of ‘rugby’ delay their game by a whole 34
minutes.
The first half became a try fest; to be honest it was
ridiculous, there were far too many scores to remember.
Jack Smith squeezed one in and celebrated by abstaining from
touching Michael Blake for the rest of the match.
Simon Franklin now had been identified as the danger man by
Writtle who had two men marking him. Therefore he received the ball and instead
of running he waited for the two defenders to commit themselves before off-loading
to Ben Whateley-Harris who ran through to score under the posts.
Then Ben Whateley-Harris intercepted a pass from the Writtle
ten to the centre and ran clear through to score almost moments later.
It was becoming a free for all in the try scoring stakes at
the point. Michael Blake had taken off his socks and was counting his toes to
try and keep up.
Blakey did however lead from the front and gave a great
example in the pack.
Unlike when he coached the minis the next day. He shouted
instructions on the side-lines while eating a pork pie. This part is actually
true!
As Writtle practiced their restarts, every time Big Jack Burton
practiced his high ball gathering and then charging. It took Writtle a great
effort to get him down and then once they had they had to deal with Sam Minns
rampaging towards them.
Sam Minns was playing today straight from his appearance on
Splash! The celebrity diving competition, he was so diving mad that he still
had his speedos on during the game.
His triple duck somersault belly flop scored highly with the
judges but he was eliminated by the public vote who kept Eddie ‘the eagle’
Edwards in instead.
Alan Elvin was his usual fat, lazy, slovenly, unfit self.
His chubby body lumbered round the pitch not wanting to be in the game at all. He scored a try early on by plodding over the
line, wheezing and whining like Michael Blake outside a closed sweet shop.
Then Alan suddenly popped up out of a maul with the ball.
Writtle looked at him and thought that the game had stopped. Michael Blake was
arguing with a Writtle player but the game was still flowing. Alan started to
skip along jokingly and then realised that the ball was still in play. So he
skipped over the line in a rather effeminate manner unchallenged and scored the
most camp Ongar try of all time. It must be something to do with his Michael
Blake all you can eat training methods.
Every so often Writtle would clear their lines and the ball
would go into touch for a lineout.
The line would be formed and Jeddy was lifted. Each time he
did so it was like the lighting of the Olympic flame. His beautiful body was
hoisted aloft to the noise of harps and cheers from his adoring female fans on
the side lines.
Jeddy caused so much hassle on the side lines with all the
cheering and the 38 pitch invasions by giddy teenage One Direction fans that he
had to be taken off to sign autographs.
Coming on in his place was none other than the destroyer of
Persians and everyone’s favourite poundshop Spartan Dave Lewis. He trotted on
greased up wearing a utility belt and a beard that he had stolen of Brian
Blessed.
I have no idea what the score was at half time but it was a
lot to nought.
Writtle had their moments and at one point Ongar were pinned
to their line. They used their strengths well. They were bulky, strong and
experienced. But Ongar weathered the squall and came back at them harder and
faster with the momentum of Big Jack
trying to get skinny jeans on.
The second half started slowly and it was as though both
teams were feeling each other up for weaknesses. Then Ongar realised that they
had 60 plus points on the board and Ben Whateley-Harris ran past half the
Writtle team to score and then be told to slow down by the referee.
Simon popped up with another try and Ben Whateley-Harris
scored his fourth before Simon matched that mark. Both were tries caused by
shear speed and good finishing.
Ben then went for his fifth but somehow fell over just
before the line, he did however pop the ball to Tom Bristow who scored his
second of the game and for that moment was the happiest man alive. Then he had
a beast of Brentwood flashback and became a depressive again.
Sam Minns was quite miffed that Ben popped the ball to Chode
rather than him!
Dave Blake scored another powerful try in the corner before
John Berry rolled back the years and set off like a wounded gazelle.
He covered a phenomenal amount of ground before being
brought down. He did however his fast break he set up someone who scored. At this point I have no idea what else
happened in the game.
People scored, Ongar dominated the scrums and Big Jack
gathered everything in the air. Ronnie Plumb had a great game and Neil
Springate also put in a shift in the pack playing a half each.
Jason Field started and was replaced late on by Club captain
Ian Springate who was resting himself after an unfortunate incident where he
caught himself in the car boot door.
The final whistle sounded and John Minns had a smile on his
face. Ongar had been, ruthless and clinical. But they had also used their
heads, played as a unit and played more importantly as a team.
No one had said a word out of turn and the atmosphere in the
changing room after was one of joy and chest thumping proud achievement.
Everyone played outstanding and was playing for their places
next week. No one backed down, every tackle was made and every tackle hurt a
member of the opposition.
We must salute the opposition as they played with guts and
grace in defeat. They were nice bunch and gave us a fair and honest game.
Ongar may not have broken a record with their score but they
broke Penny Blake’s heart as it was her birthday.
Remember lads, we need to get down to training this week as
the next game will be harder, faster and a whole different kettle of Jeddy
Fish.
As the sun set and we headed off to watch England beat the
Sweaty Socks Dave Lewis and Jason Field rode on Neil Springate’s back into the sunset
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