3rd November 2012
Thurrock 17 -59 Ongar
Tries: Whateley-Harris (3), Adcock, Fenner, Parker, Springate, Franklin, Field
Cons: Hardy (7)
November has arrived and with it the moustache growing season. Ongar’s players were all displaying the first signs of growth and in Sam Minns case he will look a little suspect with his school children when he goes back to work.
Jeddy will grow a moustache and christen it the ginger avenger; Jason Field will cultivate one that makes him look suspect. Aaron Hardy will go for full Islamic beard and Michael Blake will draw one on with a biro.
The old saying goes ‘Revenge is a dish best served cold’. Revenge was on the cards for this match and it was a rather blustery and cold day. So perfect timing for getting one over on Thurrock who last year had a referee who was so in Thurrocks’s pocket that he was nesting in there.
The mood was high in the Ongar camp after two wins on the bounce. Aaron Hardy and Michael Blake were trying to fire up there team by sending abusive messages to each other. While Neil Springate covered himself in cling film and recorded a special pre match you tube clip. His aim was to gee up the team for the match but how everyone took his interpretive fire dancing is still unknown.
Ongar had a full squad and three substitutes to boot. They fielded a particularly strong team from the start. The trouble was Ongar did their usual stuttering start to a game and it took an absolute age to get into gear.
Coach John Minns was screaming on the side-lines as Ongar created chances, used the abundance of space and then knocked on or fumbled a pass. This as if it was going to be one of those days and Ongar could have scored at least 5 tries but each one was either fumbled, adjudged to have been a forward pass or a giant mole appeared out of the pitch and ravished the player as he was running.
The ball went to ground and a ruck was formed. Once the ball had been distributed, lost, won and then went out of play the dust settled to reveal Michael Blake nursing a poorly woorly little bruisy woosy on his heady weddy. Poor mike had to shuffle off and was replaced by Neil Springate while Blakey sat on the side lines being force fed whole marrows.
The referee for today’s game was straight out of a cartoon strip. He looked like a grizzly old coal miner who had not seen the light in years. His eyebrows would look epic on anyone’s top lip and he was so old that when he ran he shuffled in time and turned black and white.
To be fair to the referee his eyebrows were so immense that we started to worship them. He did however disallow a Ben Whateley-Harris try for a very debatable forward pass and got confused as to whose line out it was.
When he watched the game he did so at a jaunty angle. Some decisiosn were debatable. BUt what do we expect at this level with no TV cameras, video replays and TMO decisions. There is always going to be decisions that are blurred and obscure. Just like Dale Jackson’s sex life.
All credit to the ref for getting around the park, chatting to players and doing so amicably.
Thurrock’s pitch was rather wide and seemed to cry out to Ongar: “Take me now”. She was a dirty pitch and cried that out for the whole 80 minutes. Ongar’s players being complete man whores jumped on that chance and ravaged her with a try fest that the commissioners of Aaron Hardy’s new channel 5 Religious game show would be proud of.
The match was quite open to start with, and then Ongar started to get into gear. They got out of first and spluttered in to second gear when Roley Poley Ralton Fenner did a quick tap and go and scored to get Ongar’s first points on board. He celebrated by running over to Carl Regelous on the side-lines and licking his face like a randy puppy. Carl went bright red, not through embarrassment but because he is allergic to saliva and once after Tom Bristow dribbled on him he had to have an emergency circumcision.
The second try showed Ongar’s true power. Martin Parker who last scored for Ongar when Ian Springate was still sperm crashed over the line. His second ever try for Ongar and his smile lit up his face. Later on Martin donned his drag queen attire and performed for Burt Reynolds in a private club.
The pattern of the game was now revealed: Ongar make a run, create a chance, score or muck it up and then make a silly mistake. This pattern got Coach Minns dancing, shouting and whipping Jeddy on the touchline. Jeddy seemed to like it though and even cut his poor little finger and had to have it bandaged up afterwards.
Thurrock’s backs didn’t want to run at Ongar. Maybe it was because Matt Dodd, AKA Mad Matt or ‘the touching sex pest of all things fruity’ was running at them like a demented Samuel Minns in a wax jacket shop. Matt bounced so many of their players that he was becoming aroused and had a large grin on his face.
Ongar’s third try was scored by club Captain Ian Springate. He supported Dave Blake and collected pass swifty and then glided over the line. Like a ballerina in Dale’s cellar!
Aaron Hardy playing at number ten for the third time this season slotted over the extras. Aaron was so happy at being in the ten shirt that all week he has been going on about it. It is like a stuck record. ‘Number then this, number ten that. I am the next Jonny Wilco, I am so good, God is in my image, I once kissed a man and liked it’. That sort of thing!
Every time he opened his mouth he spurted out some nonsense about how marvellous his kicking abilities were.
To be honest we were bored of all this but due to government statute we have to give the criminally insane at least 4 attempts at fly half before we have to put them out to stud.
To be fair to Aaron he played rather well, he wasn’t as greedy as he has been in other games. He passed the ball rather than continuously try and become his alter ego ‘The rampaging beast of Ongar’. Although on Wednesday evenings his other alter ego is’ Miss Wong’s ping pong extravaganza’.
Aaron converted seven out of his 9 attempts at goal. Although his first attempt was rather comical. He slotted the ball over with ease. One touch judge raised his flag to signal that the kick was successful. The other touch judge who was strolling about and looking for a good bit of grass to chew signalled that it went wide. Mass confusion ensued and the grizzly old coal miner of a referee had to consult his abacus, garden gnome and penis before he awarded the points.
At this point there was stirring on the side lines. It wasn’t the fact that Thurrocks’s first team were playing channel island team Guernsey on the opposite pitch and the visitors were experiencing electricity, contraception and Jeddy for the first time. It wasn’t that at all. Oh no it was Anthony Inkersole. The former Ongar captain appeared on the side-lines to cheer on his former charges and while doing so the police investigating the Savile claims rounded up all local children for their protection!
Thurrock managed to pull back a try. However Tom Bristow managed to get an arm underneath the ball and blatantly hold it up. The referee on the other hand was looking out the corner of his eye and missed this entire event. He was too busy making sure Anthony Inkersole wasn’t dressed as the child catcher from chitty chitty bang bang. Therefore he awarded the try much to Chode Bristow’s bemusement.
With Thurrock hitting back Ongar stepped up a gear. Ralton Fenner looped a delicate pass out to Ben Whateley-Harris who rounded his marker and touched down for the 4th try of the half. Aaron ‘Abdullah Mohammed’ Hardy stepped up and slotted the kick over while letting out a booming call to prayer.
At the interval the game was still wide open. Ongar were making too many mistakes and not punishing Thurrock enough. They were being pinged for many offences that only the referee could see and they knew that the only way to win the game would be to score tries that in no way could be contested. They had to be so black and white that they would look like a scene from the artist, minus the Jack Russell.
Coach John Minns gave everyone a rollocking and told Ongar to up their game. Hit harder, tackle lower, stop dropping the ball and most importantly of all put your pants back on.
Ongar stood in a huddle at half time to hear his words of wisdom. As they did the Thurrock first team game also entered half time. Suddenly the air was filled with music. Jeddy started to tap his foot. Then Sminns started to shuffle, Andy Surrange started to breakdance and John Berry burst into song. ‘Stop this’ shouted Coach Minns. Every one snapped out of their musical interlude except Dave Blake who started serenading Simon Franklin and his man udders on the side-lines.
The whistle went and the second half was under way. Ongar hit the ground running. Mad Matt was ferocious in the tackle. So much so that his opposite number swapped so to avoid marking him. Matt would gobble up ground with the ball. Together with Dave Blake they were like Vikings rampaging through a small defenceless coastal village populated by Albinos. They pillaged all before them and left no prisoners.
Simon Franklin came off the bench for Ian Springate and immediately was on the score sheet. His new orange boots blurred into red vapour trail as he tore down the pitch and smashed over the line to score. Then he realised he was on the wrong line so got back up to score properly. The man who scored 25 tries in all competitions last season was off up and running and yet still would not get his udders out for the lads in the showers after the game.
Ben Whateley-Harris then scored what can only be described as a wonder try. It was majestic, beautiful, poetic, powerful and also sexual. It was almost as impressive as the fact that Tom Bristow has managed to find a girlfriend. He picked up the ball from Dave Blake just outside Ongar’s 22 and started to run. He blitzed round 2 players and then cut inside. 5 players were in front of him but somehow using his pace he zig zagged through them and then split through a double attempted tackle without having a hand laid on him. He ran the rest of the pitch and placed the ball down between the posts. It was a monumental try and the world’s press all gathered after the game for an interview. Michael Blake wanted an autograph and Aaron Hardy, Jack Burton and Pen Blake all vowed to get tattoos of his face on their inner thighs.
Sam Minns said of the try; ‘It was one of the most romantic things I have ever seen’. Martin Parker said; ‘It reminded me of a steam train, oooh I love trains’. While Aaron Hardy said that it was such a good try that he wanted to give Judaism a pop’!
On the side-lines the Ongar fan club started to cheer as he ran. But there was also a new member standing in the mud.
Enter Mrs. Chode.
Tom Bristow has finally rid himself of the beast of Brentwood and found a girl who does not need a crane to get her out of bed in the morning. Mr’s Chode is lovely, delightful and there does not seem to be any unresolved childhood trauma issues, unlike Chode himself.
Poor old Bristow did have to admit that he met her on uniform dating and that she still thinks he is the sailor from the village people.
With the score line increasing Ongar made a couple of changes. Jason Field came on and instantly scored his second try in as many games. He crossed the line to the joy of Jeddy who was on the side-line waxing a hedgehog while wearing a lacy thong.
Jeddy then got his moment of glory and slipped on his special ‘touch gloves’ and entered the fray. He made a great impact and was launching into tackles with gusto and a crazed look in his eyes that could have been mistaken for lust.
Jeddy was doing so well that when he glided across the pitch like Torvil and Dean his boots melted. He moved so fast that the sole of his boot literally combusted. Poor Jeddy had to come back off the pitch with his feet steaming and still smouldering.
During this time Thurrock managed to score twice. Both were poor tries and it was entirely Ongar’s fault that they were conceded. We drifted off and let some chubby creature from Tilbury docks cross the line.
This was a wakeup call and Ongar hit back with a try in his first game of the season by Matthew ‘I love flower arranging’ Adcock. Adcock was making first appearance of the season. His ‘official’ reason was that he has hurt his hand, but the real reason was that he has been touring the country in a travelling circus as a chimp who can light his own farts. He still has his monkey costume and wore it in a hotel room once for Jack Burton.
Big Jack had another good game. The big friendly giant was part of a very impressive scrum. Ongar time after time turned over the ball and decimated the oppositions scrum. Alan Elvin at flanker was particularly impressive and was a menace to their opposition. Thurrock would always go blind from the scrum and their 8 would always be the ball carrier. But before he could put his teeth in Alan was on him like men’s hands on Michael Blake’s moobs. Time after time he thwarted Thurrock’s advances and also at one point admitted that he is closet Teddy bear collector.
Thurrock were reduced to 14 men at this point and Ongar capitalised there man advantage. Ben Whateley-Harris rounded his opposite number to score his third of the game and give Abdullah Hardy another easy kick.
The game was truly won and Ongar were only one small point away from inflicting Thurrock’s heaviest defeat. Thurrock’s minds were now not on the game and in the bar and it became sloppy. Kicks went for touch so the game could end and when the old wizard referee blew his whistle Ongar could hold their heads high.
It wasn’t a total performance from Ongar. They did have moments of class, but also moments of arse. They made too many mistakes but ultimately came up on top.
Ralton Fenner was named as man of the match and even though he was covered in shower gel in the changing rooms still refused to shower. Ongar celebrated by showering next to a man with a broken leg on a spinal board. They all stood naked next to a female paramedic and physio. Alan and Matt loved this and cuddled up in an ice bath together. Jeddy put his feet in the ice bath and all the water evaporated.
Later that night after Jeddy who had forgotten Ralton and left him in Thurrock’s bar created a stir. His feet were still on fire and he felt like showing off his moves with a ‘Jeddy friend’ that he brought along. Jeddy danced the night away in O’Neil’s and was later seen snogging Aaron Hardy in Eclipse while Jason Field filmed from under table.
Next week is an away trip to the seaside. Please be advised that you all need to bring your swimming certificates with you. Otherwise you will be forced to play in armbands!